The 3 Biggest Mistakes Sports Moms Make After A Bad Game - How to Help Without Causing Her To Shut Down

Welcome back to another episode of the raising unstoppable girl athletes podcast. I'm your host, Bree and elite competitor coach for female athletes. And I am so glad that you're here. Whether you are a seasoned sports mom with so many seasons under your belt, or you're just starting out on this whole sports mom journey. Or anywhere in between this podcast is for you to help your daughter believe in herself, as much as you do come back from those mistakes and play like the confident athlete that you know, she is. I really excited about today's episode because of how tangible it is. You have post game opportunities. Every single time your athlete competes. And what I hear from moms all the time is that post competition is actually one of the toughest times for them as a mom, especially when your athlete doesn't play well or has a bad game, or is being really hard on themselves. Moms are always saying that they don't know what to say or what they do say seems to be the wrong thing or makes things worse. So this episode is for you to help you know exactly what you can be doing in that post game time, because it is really important. It's actually one of the most memorable. Memorable parts of an athlete's career. And oftentimes that's not for a good reason. So let's make sure that we're avoiding the mistakes that I'll be talking about in today's episode. And then I'll also tell you what you can be doing instead to ensure that those post game. Conversations or it was post-competition converse. Conversations are a lot more productive. All right now, before we get into the episode, I quickly want to shout out a mom from our community. So Alexan, I'm talking about you. Her daughter plays lacrosse, and they're both going through the elite competitor program right now. Our exam posted this in the group. The other day we were talking about. You know, what changes are you seeing in yourself and what changes are you seeing in your daughter? So she started with herself and she said, I noticed I am actually just listening a lot more. And then she said this about her daughter. She said my daughter had a practice where they did three V two. She's a defender. For a really long time without any subs. She said by the end of the game, some people got by me, but I still jammed up their hands. So they couldn't take good shots. That's what her daughter said. Alexan said. That reflection of focusing on the small victories equals like high five emoji. Okay. And so before I would say his daughter used to just be really caught up in the negative. Right. She would do a lot of really great things. Like for example, I still jammed up their hands, so they couldn't take a chance, but she wouldn't be focusing on that. She'd be focusing on all the people that got by her and then she'd be beating herself up. All right. So this is a really great shift that her daughter is making in her sport because when her daughter does that she actually can improve. Right? When we see that when athletes are beating themselves up, they're only focusing on the negative things that they're doing, rather than having a productive view of those things. They actually don't progress as fast in their sport and they feel less confident. And the fact that Alexander is also listening a lot more, has been a really productive change in their relationship as well. So, nice job. Alexan. I'm proud of you. Keep going. Okay. Let's get to today's episode. We are talking about the biggest mistakes that parents make post game. And it actually caused their daughters to shut down instead of open up. Right. So we have these intentions as moms, after games, we want to, we want to figure out how are they feeling? How did it go out there? And we don't, we want to talk about it. At least I do. And most of the time. Athletes have other things in mind and whatever we do try and do tends to kind of backfire sometimes. So let's get into these mistakes and. What we can be doing instead. So mistake number one post game is talking about the game immediately. I know that this is really hard. Because especially if you are that mom that maybe is like a former coach or you've played the game before and you want to come in and you want to talk about all of the strategy and what she could be doing a little bit better, or all these opportunities that you see to improve. And you just are coming in hot. We got to slow our roll a little bit. And here's why. She will shut down if she doesn't wanna talk about the game and you are just pressing and pressing and pressing and pressing. She won't, she won't actually open up, it'll be this tense, this tense conversation. Okay. She will try and avoid it. I mean, you've already, you've seen this, you've experienced this, right. So she will shut down. She doesn't wanna talk about it and then it makes things worse. And then you've also. Kind of you've, you've closed off. About opportunity to talk about it later because of how much we're just coming in and wanting to rehash everything. And here's the other thing we know that athletes were going through the elite competitive program, which is our signature mental training program for female athletes. They comment every week in the portal. So they're going through their work. And they're responding to questions that I'm asking them in the portal. And one of the questions that we had a couple of weeks ago was what does support look like? You post game? Like, what do you want from your parents post game? And in the program, we open up a lot of communication between athlete apparent around this. And I'll tell you right now, as I'm reading through all of these things that athletes are saying, it's like athlete after athlete is saying. I need space. I will want it. I will want to talk about the game. Somebody don't want to. I just don't wanna talk about it right after. I don't want my parent to tell me other things that I did wrong. Hi, just want to have some time. To not think about the game after it happened. Like I, this isn't just like a, one-off like a few athletes. It was like one time I was reading through and there were like six athletes in a row that said the same thing about this. And so parents let's listen, let's listen to what they need. Hey, they don't want to, most of the time talk about right after now. Here's the key. Ask your daughter. Ask her. It's very simple. What does support look like? After a competition. What do you need from me after a competition? That's the simplest thing that you can do to actually get a gauge of what she wants. All right now, this isn't to say that we can't ever talk about the game ever, ever. Okay. And sometimes it's like, well, what are we supposed to talk about? Right. It's just like a silent car ride home. No. Alright. I mean, if you want it to be and your daughter wants it to be great. Okay. You can do that. But talk about other things. I mean, there's a million other things that we can talk about right. Then the game and the thing is. When you allow her to lead, you know, we give athlete, we give actually moms in our program, a framework called L O V E love. And the first, the first thing that we tell moms is let her lead. Let her be the driver of that situation. All right. Ask her, Hey, what, you know, what do you, what do you want right now? Do you wanna talk about the game? If she says no, let's respect that. All right. And then the O is open the space. Open the space for you to, to connect. I recommend the athletes and moms and parents have a common pre or post game routine that they do, whether that is as simple as just going to get food after the competition or they're in the car going home, like just something that's routine. And it doesn't change no matter how she did. Right. It's not like let's go get ice cream. If you win. It was like not gonna get ice cream if you didn't want him, like, none of that. Okay. No. Silent treatment if she didn't play well, like, no. Okay. Same routine so that she knows, regardless of what she did out there, regardless of her performance, she's going to get a consistent reaction from you. Right because underlying all of this ultra performance is her self-worth and her confidence. And that is going to be really directly influenced by how you react to her performance. So we say open the space for you to connect. All right, let her lead open the open the space, ask her if she wants to chat, you know, Hey, what does support look like for you right now? And see that as a first step and see how that makes a difference in how your daughter. You know, interacts with you, right. Rather than you just coming in right away and be like, Hey, I saw all these things and you know what happened here? But, you know, again, I'm guilty as charged here because I, you know, played towards a coach. And so I feel like I know everything right. I know that sometimes we do, we just want to help. And we're like, oh my gosh, if only she could do this a little differently. It. With being such a difference. She doesn't want to hear it. Okay. Unless she asks. Okay. Let's not come in hot with all of those things, right? So that's the state number one is talking about the game immediately after. So ask her for what she needs from you. You know, use those first two acronyms of that love framework. Let her lead open the space, have a common. And a consistent post game routine that you do with your athlete so that she used. You know, feeling connected, connection over everything. You know, we tell moms in the program to when you, when she understands that you understand. And she sees you connecting. She's going to be much more open to actually talking later. Okay. So at mistake, number two is trying to fix things. So mistake number one is coming in hot, trying to talk mistake. Number two is trying to fix things. So sushi is now ready to talk, right? You have maybe ask some questions, you open the space, all of that. And she's ready to talk about things and she's telling you. Maybe it was a tough game and she's saying things like, oh, I feel like I blew the game for my team. I feel like I'm the worst one. You know, Maybe it's these, these negative things. And as moms we come and we want to come in and we want to try and fix it. We don't like to see our daughter's disappointed. And we just want to make it better and that that's just who we are as moms and as parents. But she doesn't need you to fix things in that moment. She doesn't. She needs you. To be in the struggle with her. And so the third part of that framework, the V and the love framework is validate her feelings. Okay. Validate her feelings is validating the experience that she's having. Because we know that confidence comes from trusting ourselves. So we are reinforcing. This message that when athletes are saying things like, oh, I feel like I didn't play well. Oh, I feel like I let the team down. We are validating her experience. That's different than validating what actually happened. So that would sound like, oh, Yeah, you missed your serve on game point, and now you feel like you love a team down. That would be, that would be really hard to understand how you, why you would feel that way. You know, tell me more about that. And we are just trying to, you know, sit with her, help her process. That struggle. That is very different than saying like, yeah, you really did let the team down. Okay. That was not what we're going for. We are validating her experience. We are not validating these negative beliefs she's having about herself. Okay. And there's a big difference there. So by you saying. And recognizing that would be hard. That is not agreeing with her, that she left the team down. No, that's validating hurts. Perience that she is having. All right. And which reinforces her confidence because now it's like, yeah, I am having this feeling. And my mom, isn't trying to convince me to feel something different. Because oftentimes we come in and we say, well, other people made mistakes. We'll think about all the good things that you did. Right. And we are just trying to, to try and get her to stop being so disappointed and stop feeling so upset. But what message we're sending her there is that you can only be happy. Sports or only about being happy. I can't stand as a mom. I'm having feeling real uncomfortable, but you're disappointed. And I want to fix this. All right. And that's something sending your daughter the message that she can only be happy and she can only be content around you. Okay. And so again, I know that some of that is going deep, right. But this does. This does have a very strong foundation in, in research. Okay. So we know, and I'll, I'll pull on Dr. Becky Kennedy's work in this area around confidence and validating. Our child's experience. Over trying to get them to convince, to convince them, to change their mind about it. Right. And so the F that. What you can do in that moment, it's just be with her in that struggle. Sit with her. Hey, walk along that path with her and be like, yeah, this does suck. You know, I could see how you would feel that way. Tell me more about it. Okay. Just get her to. You know, the more that you do that, the actual actually the faster that she's going to process through that. Which is ironic, right. So the, when we try and convince her to feel something different, She resists and you know, is she actually just stuffs things down also, and then it comes out later in a bigger way. If we just sit with her and we validate that experience with her. She actually processes it and gets through it faster. Okay. So don't make that mistake and just trying to fix like, Validate her experience, right? That's mistake number two. Mistake number three. Is only talking about the outcomes. So when you're talking with your daughter post games, maybe you are at this point now. You know, you, you let her lead, you you've opened the space for her attack. Maybe she, you know, you're asking her, are you ready to talk about the game? You know, I'd love to, I'd love to hear what, what was going on out there for you. Positive negative. We also give mom some, you know, some go-to phrases that are like, Hey, you know what. Was there. What were your, what were your goals? What was really challenging? What were your opportunities to be a good teammate? You know, and then also coming in with what you notice related to the process like, Hey, I saw you taking coaching really well at their. You know, I saw you. Really encourage your teammate when it was tough. And she might not respond to some of that stuff. She might not be like, oh yeah, thanks. Not for noticing, but she is. She's taking that in. Okay. So mistake, number three, only talking about outcomes. So what I'm talking about here is if we are only focusing on the things in her sport, but she does performance wise. So like her stats. But the number of goals scored the wins, the losses. This is the easiest thing to focus on. And it's probably the worst thing to focus on for her longterm confidence. And what we want to make sure that we're doing is not just focusing on all those things that we're only talking about it. We also want to acknowledge, we also want to recognize the process and the things that are in her control. So that she can, you know, be reflective of her experience. And then when she goes into her next competition event, her next practice, she's focusing on the things that are in her control. We also don't want to send this message that her outcomes are related to how we see her as a person. Right. That's very easy. It's very easy as athletes too. Attach our performance to who we are and our identity. And, you know, I, Ms. We see this a lot in athletes who struggle with perfectionism. If I, you know, Play really well and get awesome outcomes then I can, I'm allowed to feel good about myself. If I don't play very well, or I don't, didn't hit the stats that I got last time, then. I'm going to feel bad about myself. And we don't want that, that roller coaster. We don't want our athletes confidence connected to these outcomes. We want our athletes confidence connected. To themselves. And evaluating the performance in a really productive way. And so the last part of that framework, L O V E is the, he has encouraged inward. And so the way that we encourage moms to do this is to praise and recognize what you're seeing in your daughter out there in terms of her work ethic, her attitude. Her. Ability to take coaching, be a good teammate, all those things that are in her control. Right. That is what's going to help develop her confidence. Significantly. All right. Instead of all of these outcome things. Okay. What led to the outcome? Good or bad? Right. And you can ask questions about that. Like I said earlier, you know, What was challenging out there for you? What were your goals going into this? Okay. What are a couple of things that you thought went really well? You know, and have her just kind of think about those things. And I'll tell you right now, her confidence in her mental game, how she is processing these things, how she's feeling about herself to. You know, depending on how she did out there. That is something that you actually can't do for her. You can provide the opportunities for her to develop this part of her game, which you should, but you can't do that for her. You know, you can do all of these things. You can use the love framework. You can make sure that you are. You know, approaching your daughter in a really productive way, post game, giving her space, but then also challenging her and holding her accountable to some of these. You know, these things that we're talking about as far as what her goals were, what was challenging out there, what she's going to do differently next time you can do all of that. And that is everything that you can do. That's in your control. But at the end of the day, she also needs to have the tools to develop. Her confidence. Her mental skills, her ability to productively evaluate. Her wins and her losses, because if she doesn't. She is. You know, naturally going to be inclined to associate. You know, her wins with I am good. And her losses with I am bad. If she doesn't have a way to productively. Evaluate these situations. Okay. So to kind of recap here that this post came, it's a really, really important opportunity for you and your athlete daughter to develop confidence. Like I said, at the beginning, This is one of the most memorable times in an athlete's career and not for a good reason. A lot of times, you know, I've heard very, you know, terrible stories. I, again, I hope if you're listening to this podcast, this isn't you, but you know, I'll go there anyways. You know, of giving the silent treatment after losses. You know, Of withholding food or reward. If there is a loss report performance. Okay. I'm just coming in and, and listing off all the things that you did wrong. All right. Those themes are going to IX. You know, they're going to be very detrimental to your daughter's confidence on terms. So this post game opportunity. Is super important. Right. Your daughter is looking to you to be her parent and be her support. Be that safe space. You want her to continue to come to you when she's disappointed? You don't want her to be in this place where it's like, well, you know, my mom or my dad, like, I can't be disappointed around them, so I don't even want to talk to them post game. Hey, because I'm disappointed. I don't know how to process that because they just want me to be happy all the time and they're trying to fix it. And they're just going to tell me everything I did wrong. All right. Trust me like this, giving your daughter opportunity to leave and lead and asking her what she needs and what support looks like. Is empowering to her. It's showing that you are committed to the process. You're committed to connecting with her. You're understanding her point of view. And that is going to allow her to be much more open to processing and talking about the game. Okay. Wins or losses. Windsor disappoint as important as losses. Remember wins when it's like the outcome. You know, kind of a side story. I remember. And as a high schooler, I've had one of the best games of my career. I had like 20 kills or something like that. We're talking volleyball. And at the end, I didn't feel excited or happy. I felt this enormous sense of like dread and pressure.'cause. I was like, how am I supposed to do that again? How am I supposed to do that again? Right. And so I was a typical example of, you know, I'm getting all this praise for. You know, all of these, the, these outcomes that I'm getting, all these kills that I was, I was getting right. And I was attaching my self worth and what I felt about myself to those things. She's really easy thing to do. And we're like, yeah, we want to celebrate that. We're talking. We want to ignore it. But also what is the process? That's in my car that was in my control. That got me that, and also knowing that I am worthy, your daughter has worthy. Regardless of her performance, her sport is what she does. It's not who she is. So we want to be constantly coming back to that as well. All right, moms. I know we covered a lot in this, so hopefully this was a helpful. Kind of guide, I guess, to avoiding those top three mistakes, what you can be doing inside. If you want to go deeper with us, go check out our free training for sports moms. It's at train her game.com. We go a little bit deeper with some of these you know, underlying reasons why your athlete or might not be. Confident in her sports, especially post games. She's really struggling with only focusing on the negative. And you're struggling with what to know what to say to her. Go ahead and check out that training@trainhergame.com to go a little bit deeper. All right before we go, I have a favorite ask of you. Will you please rate and review this podcast. If, if this has been helpful at all for you this episode or any of our other episodes? It really helps us out if you rate and review the podcast that helps get us into as many years of female athletes in moms as possible. And it also helps us to bring on. Really great, great guests that are going to help serve you and your athlete daughter better. So give us a rate and review share a way as well. Just like send the link, text it to another sports mom that, you know, would find this really helpful that that really helps us out. Okay. Mom's I am Bree. And this is your go-to podcast for raising your unstoppable pro athlete. Thanks again for being here. I will see you in the next episode.