How To Help Your Daughter When She's Being Negative. 3 Strategies To Build Her Confidence So She Stops Beating Herself Up

Welcome back to the raising unstoppable girl athletes podcast. I'm your host coach Bri and elite competitor coach for female athletes. And I am so glad that you're here. Mom's if you are a seasoned sports bomb that your daughter has been playing sports for a long time, or maybe you're just getting started with this whole process or anywhere in between. Wherever you're at in this journey, this podcast is for you to help your athlete daughter build her confidence and play to her potential. No matter what's going on. In her sport. And when I say no matter what's going on, we're talking today, especially about those low times, the valleys, you know, that navigating her sports journey journey with her. Can be a struggle at times. And there are times where she is down and out or where she is feeling frustrated with her performance, she's feeling super negative, or maybe she's getting, getting caught up in that spiral. And so we're going to talk about that today. How do you help support your athlete when she is maybe beating herself up? She's having a hard time. She's not seeing any of the silver lining in anything that she's doing. How do you help her kit out of that? How do you pull her out of that? So, That is what we're talking about today. Before we get into it, though. I have a big favor to ask of you. In order to get into the ears of as many sports moms as possible to help as many athletes as possible. It really helps us. If you rate and review this podcast, a rating and reviewing. If you enjoy, it helps rank us a little bit higher so that we can be seen by more people and that we can also bring on more guests to help support you. So. Do that for us, if you have a second, we would so appreciate it. I also wanna quickly shout out a mom from our community who posted something pretty awesome so her and her daughter started the Elite Competitor Program which is our signature mental training program for female athletes. They started it about three weeks ago, I believe, and she posted this in the group, she said, my daughter decided to try a new soccer camp. It's a very high level soccer camp combined with speed training. She was totally out of her element and didn't know many people. Now the magic happened in the car ride home Okay, we all know how tricky that that time can be. She said, I asked her the following questions and let her do the talking. So in our program, we give moms some scripts to help with that car ride home. So she asked her some of those questions. She said, what was your favorite part? What do you think that you did well? What did you learn? What did you feel you could have done differently? And the conversation just opened up and she was very honest and self-reflective without being negative first time she has ever done that. It was awesome to see actually how easy it was. Also, I had a teaching moment with my husband who started getting critical. I relayed the information about praising the process, not the outcome. Thank you for giving me the language to use for this conversation. So I just wanna shout out just the progress that this mom is making in, in this area, because those conversations are tough. That post-game time is tough, especially when you know your daughter's being critical of herself or maybe you're being critical of her or your partner's being critical of her. Like, how do we navigate that? So, really awesome job, you know, sticking to some of these scripts and using and hanging onto that language and it's pretty awesome to see how your daughter responded. All right, moms, let's get into it. We are talking about how to help your daughter when she is in those moments where she's being really negative, right? Kinda like what this mom was talking about, like we could go negative. and when she's evaluating her performance, it's very easy for her to just hang on to those like one or two things that she did wrong. When you're like, oh my gosh, look at all these other things that you did so well, why are you just focusing on what you did wrong? Right. Nod your head if you're like, yeah, that sounds like my daughter. Or every time you give her a compliment, she turns it into something negative, like, oh yeah, but did you see me do this? Or maybe she comes back with that, you have to tell me that you're my mom response. It's just this idea that she has in her mind that nothing is ever good enough. You know, she's always focusing on those things that went wrong. So, you know, this isn't actually a surprise if your daughter is like this. Likely she is. A hardworking, high achieving athlete, or she's striving to be one, right? She's hard on herself. Maybe she's got a little bit of type A or perfectionistic tendencies in in her. And we do see this a lot with female athletes. And to be honest I ask moms in our community, what do you struggle with most when it comes to helping your athlete, daughter, and negative mindset? Is a top response. It's one of those things that it, it kind of irks us as moms in some ways, right? To hear our daughters be so critical of themselves and be so hard on themselves. And that could be for a number of reason, other meet reasons. One of them being like, it's just hard to see her in that spiral and that negativity, it impacts like the whole mood of the day. You know, if she's like this. It kind of seeps into the rest of the family life. And then also maybe we're seeing ourselves in her, right? There's a lot of times where it's like, dang, I was so hard on myself and that was not productive for me, and now I'm seeing my daughter do the same thing. That can kind of spark something in us. So we know those things. We also know that most athletes, like average athletes, Haven't really spent a lot of time in this area of developing their mindset. They believe that they have to be hard on themselves in order to play well, or they're letting their guard down. It's like they have this limiting belief. It really is a limiting belief because it's not allowing them to actually reach their potential that, Hey, I have to beat myself up. I have to continually, you know, Degrade myself and, and what I was doing in some way, because if I don't, then maybe I'm letting my guard down and I'm going to become too cocky, and then I'm just, you know, then it's all gonna fall apart. So they feel like they have to kind of keep that, that on them. They also don't want other people to think that they're too good. There's this whole, you know, Thing, especially that we see in female athletes where it's like, they don't want, they wanna be good, but they don't wanna be too good because they don't want other people to, to not like them. And so it's really, it's, it's actually a lot safer just to focus on their flaws and their mistakes so that people like them. Right. And, which is really too bad, but that's just something that we face as female athletes. And they also, like average athletes, don't know the difference between thought and fact. So they have these thoughts that come into their head in their mind. Maybe these are even intrusive thoughts. They're not even true at all, but they don't know the difference between something that is just entering into their mind and something that potentially is fact. They believe everything. They think. When we know that you actually don't have to believe everything that you think, and we think 50,000 things a day, which is why we need to be really intentional. With what we're choosing to think. And that's why athletes need to be very intentional with the thoughts that they let into their mind and the thoughts that they're going to clinging onto. Because we know that thoughts become reality. Thoughts equal or lead to emotions. Emotions lead to action or inaction. And that action or inaction gives our athletes their the results that they get. And so it really does start with that thought and those beliefs that they have about themselves and. we know this about athletes. I'm gonna dive a little bit deeper into some of that. The brain science, I'm not gonna get like too sciencey on you, but there's something important in that area that we need to recognize as moms as well, so that we kind of know what's going on in their heads as this is happening and they're being really negative on themselves. Okay? But as her mom, I know that you want. to see her believe in herself, right? You probably believe in her, more than anybody, and it, it's just really hard to see her not have that belief in herself as well. You want her to notice the positives too, not just the negative, right? You want her to recognize all of these other things that she did well. You want her to know that she is good enough no matter what any coach or teammate says about her, no matter what she thinks about herself, you want her to know that she is good. You want her to have positive self-talk, you want her to be proud of herself. And sometimes that is such a struggle to get her to do those things right. How do we do that? And so that's what we're gonna dive into. And typically what we see moms do, I'm in this boat too, in response to this, is that we just try to give more advice and more encouragement. So if this sounds like you, if, if your daughter is like, she's being negative, she's in the spiral, she's beating herself up, maybe you're saying things like, Hey, just focus on the. Right. You're saying things like, you did so many great things out there today too, right? Look at those things, or you're just as good as everybody else, right? You do belong on this team. They do like, you stop saying that, and now all of these things are true, right? Your daughter does belong on the team. She is good enough. She did do great things. She you know, needs to focus on the positives in some way. Unfortunately, these things likely don't work and they haven't been. Because telling isn't teaching, and so just telling her to focus on the positives, just telling her, Hey, you do belong on, belong on the team. That's not actually teaching her how to shift negative thinking. That's actually not teaching her how to break past those limiting beliefs that she doesn't belong on the team. It's not teaching her anything. So just telling her to do those things likely hasn't worked up until. And so what can work, right? So your athlete daughter needs you to be her mom. She doesn't need you to go into all of these other roles of trying to coach her in some way. She needs you to be that support. We'll get, we'll get into that. And then she also needs to learn the skill of shifting these thoughts herself. you actually can't do that for her. You can shape the environment for her. You can provide her the opportunities to do that, but you actually can't be in her brain and recognize, ooh, that's a, you know, negative thought. That is not productive. How can we shift that? You're not there for that process, but you can equip her with the skills so that she can do that herself. Right. So you can't do that part for her, but there are a few things that you can do. Okay? I'm gonna go over three things that you can do in these moments. So first thing is to stay in your role. Now, if you've, you've unlikely, likely you've heard this before, okay? So there are four roles, right? There's the athlete, the coach, the parent, and the rest. In your daughter's athletic experience and your role is the parent, right? So as the parent, you're not the coach. So you're not there to give her tips and reminders. You're not the ref, you're not calling the game, you're not the athlete. This is her experience. Now, it's not yours. You are the parent and your job is to shape the environment and provide the opportunities. So there are two main things that fall under your role and when you stay in your role, you actually are providing her with the opportunity to develop, to develop her confidence. In such a massive way, it's when we start to shift into other roles that our athletes start to break down in their confidence, okay? It's when they start to question themselves. And so we, as much as possible, wanna stay in this role where we are providing the opportunities for her and we are shaping the environment. And so what is, what do those two things mean? So we shape the environment by what we say and by what we do. And this is what we say to our daughters, right? What we actually say in those. And which I'll get to in, into the step two, what we actually say to her in those times. We also shape the environment by what we do and how we model confidence for her. So you are actually the closest and the most influential example of confidence in her life. She picks up a lot from you. She actually picks up more from what you do than what you tell her, right? So you can't, you can't quite, you know, it's really hard to. Say, Hey, just be confident when you are not exhibiting confidence in your life in some ways. So how are you talking about yourself? What is your self-talk like? Right? Because we know that our self-talk is so important to the results that we get in our lives, right? So where we gotta look at ourselves as well, what model are we setting? How are we responding to adversity? What are we saying out loud about ourselves when we come up against something that's hard and challeng. because we want our daughters to navigate adversity with positivity. You know? Then we also have to show her how to do that, right? Because just telling her to do it isn't enough. We've gotta give her the skills to do that. We've gotta show her what it looks like and then provide the opportunities. So shape the environment by what you say, by what you do, provide the opportunities for her to develop these skills. Because these skills typically are not taught. They're not taught by her coach, your coach, her. Your coach is not likely trained in the area of mental. when I became a coach like 12 years ago, absolutely was I was not given like, Hey, here's how you teach the mental side of the game, which is the most important part of the game, right? So no, like likely your coach is not teaching that to your daughter. So stop relying on your daughter's coach for this information, okay? You have to provide her the opportunity to develop the skill of shifting her negative self-talk, of recognizing when she's having intrus. Of having a really positive post-game re routine to reflect on what those in those negative experiences are. And so give her the opportunities to do that, right? Have her you know, have her participate in mental training that, that we provide. We know we're, we give a, an athlete tip on this podcast, right? Go to our training for sports moms that train her game.com, where you can learn more in depth on how you can provide her with opportunities. So the opportunities are out there, right? And that's what, that's what we do as well. So that we can equip you, so that you can equip your daughter, right? So that is number one. Stay in your. Okay. That is the biggest thing. One of the biggest things that you can do in these moments when she is really struggling is to think, okay, my job is to be the supportive space for her. My job is to be the supportive space for her, right? I'm gonna hold that. I'm not gonna go into the coaching. I'm not gonna try and give her reminders, right? I am going to be that space so that she keeps coming back to me. Because if you then all of a sudden she comes to you and you say, oh, stop. You don't need to stop thinking like that. Stop saying that. That's not true. Pretty soon she's gonna stop coming to you, right? Because we don't wanna go to that person who's like, well, she doesn't, she doesn't really care what I'm saying. She doesn't believe what I'm saying, so I'm just gonna shut this down. I'm not gonna be that way around her, but really, you know, she's still struggling with those thoughts, but now she can't express them. And so stay in your role in those moments. That leads to number two. Okay. Number two, really important when she's in, in these moments is to validate her. And that comes from having an understanding of what's happening in these times when she's being really, really hard on herself, herself. And when I say validate her experience, right? We talk about this a lot inside the lead competitor program that is not validating the things that she is saying. that are really negative. So if she's saying I'm the worst on the team, validating doesn't sound like, yeah, you are the worst one on the team. Okay. Oh, thanks mom. Okay, that's probably not gonna fly. But validating the feeling of that experience is helpful, right? It will help her process that. So saying something instead like, Ooh, yeah, you, you didn't play how you wanted to play, and it's making you feel like you're not a contributor on the team. That would be a really tough feeling. Tell me more about. Hmm. What happened to lead you to feel like that? Right. So that's how you can validate the feeling and the experience without being, you know, without agreeing. Like, yeah, you are the worst one, because that's not helpful. Right. But ex validating what she is going through will help her process that. Okay. Understand where she's coming from. Validate that experience as hard as it is, right? Validating means that you are, you're trying to see. her experience through her lens. You know, we can't do that fully because it's her lens and we have our lens. But you know, seeing that like, Ooh, wow, that would be really hard for her. Okay. And help her process it. And also to understand her experience means that you also have to kind of know a little bit about what's going on inside this athlete brain. Right? It actually, you know, not just athletes, but all of us have what's called a negativity bias, right? I'm sure you've heard this. So research shows that people tend to focus more. The negative as they try to make sense of their experiences. So we know that a negativity bias exists and the reason exists is because the brain's, number one job is to keep us safe. And when you're talking about your athlete daughter's experience, and when we say safe, it means physical safety, but also psychological safety and physiological safety. Like all of these all of these things that our brain does to us and for us is to keep us safe. And so you're knowing that, like going into that conversation and knowing like, my daughter, my, my daughter's brain's, just trying to keep her safe right now. Right. As she's making sense of this experience. She has a negativity bias cuz her brain is trying to keep her protected from, from something. Right? And usually that's like, she wants to, she needs to feel like she's still accepted in her, on her team or in her group. She, you know, athletes are kind of, I mean, I can't think of anything in my life right now where I go out and I publicly. Hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of time in front of hundreds of people, and that's what our athletes do when they go out there. That is not a safe feeling overall and. The brain likes to bring up all of these like negative things to help remind like, Hey, we don't want that to happen again, right? Remember this, and it's trying to protect your daughter for the next time that it could happen. All right? And so we know that this is actually coming from a really beneficial place when we talk about brain science, but. It's also not productive to stay in that overly negative state, right? We know that. So we wanna try and get our daughters up to this neutral place, but again, we can't. We can't always do that for them. Our job for them is to be the space to validate their experience so she can process, but then she needs to be able to recognize when it's happening and have the tools to pull her up to that neutral or that positive. So we don't even actually tell athletes like, Hey, we need you to be positive. right? You just missed the, the game-winning shot you know, think about the bright side. That's, that's not, that's not productive, okay? We actually want her just to get to a neutral place, and that is like, yes, that happened. Don't like that, that happened. Okay, but let's take out the emotion. Let's take out all of these things that we can typically, that can typically bog us down and lead to judgment. You know, let's look at it from, you know, why, why did that? right? Was it because I rushed, I rushed my routine. So because I need more reps. Maybe, maybe I was getting really nervous right before, and that started to cloud what I was doing out there, right? There could be a number of reasons. When we, when we look at it from a neutral place, like, I missed a shot. Okay? Without attaching any of these things, like I'm the worst player in the team. I lost the whole game for everybody, you know? No one's gonna like me anymore. Those are all like judgment. right? But when we get athletes to realize like, Hey, let's just get to a neutral. What are the facts? I missed a shot. Okay, missed a shot. What could we do differently next time to help make that shot? You know, and then we're moving in a productive way. And that's one of the tools that athletes need when they reflect on their experience. And that's something that we do inside the elite competitor program for moms and for athletes, is they have a specific post-game routine. So for athletes, it's evaluating their performance very specifically. So we have them go through a list of, of questions very simple to complete within 12 to 24 hours of their competition. And then for moms, we give them a framework on how. approach and provide space for their athletes post competition so that they can process effectively and not just get bogged down by all this. Okay? So that is number two. Number one is stay in your role. All right? Stay in your role as the parent. You're not trying to coach caregiver tips, reminder of all the good things you know, just stay in your role as a parent. Shape the environment for her by what you say and do. Provide the opportunities for her to develop this part of her game. Number two, validate her. Right. As hard as it is, validate what she's going through. Help to see from her perspective, understand where she's coming from, that this is a normal part of what her brain is doing, right. That can help kind of provide some empathy in this area. Number three is, I've already said this a few times, but provide her the tools that she needs to help herself. So remember expecting her to not do what her brain is naturally primed to do. This negativity bias is something that all humans experience. So just expecting her to not do that when you tell her to not be negative, expecting her to not attach some feelings of self-worth to her performance when. Likely that is what she's doing because it's just a natural thing that athletes do. Their performance is very tangible and what they do or don't do out on the court or the field in competition, they, without, without some redirection, can really attach that to how they feel about themselves. And so expecting her to not to do all of those things is setting her up for failure, right? Because that's what naturally her athlete brain and her brain in, in general, wants to do, right? Because her brain is trying to keep her safe. remember you. We've gotta give her the tools, so your job, stay in your, your role, support her, validate her experience, right? Be very aware of what you're telling her, where you're placing your praise and your recognition. We go into that on the podcast too, and her job is actually to recognize when she is in this spiral, to evaluate her performance in a very constructive way that is not attaching judgment. To what she did. It is her job to shift her thinking when she recognizes that, Ooh, this is not productive. It's her job to not attach her self-worth to her performance. You play a big role in that as well. All right. But she needs tools to be able to do this, right? She needs this. These things aren't just like, Innate in us, right? Our actual innate tendency is to be really negative and to be really hard on ourselves and you know, these things that you see in your daughter, but it is possible for her to have a productive way to process. And see where she can improve. It's actually possible not to be on this rollercoaster of emotion, but instead have confidence that she can count on and emotions that don't hijack the dinner table or what you're trying to do with your family after a competition, right? It actually is possible for both of you to not have a miserable car ride home after a competition, right? It is possible for both of you to actually look forward to that postgame because you have a really solid. Routine to help support you. Just like the mom that I was shouting at at the beginning of this episode right now, that you feel equipped knowing what you can say, how you can best support her, she has a routine that she's also going through. It's just a lot more productive. But what we know here is that a positive outcome cannot come from a negative mind, right? A positive outcome cannot come from a negative mind. We do our parts as moms, right? You do your part, follow these three things, right? Control you, you can control, stay in your role, validate her experience, but then also the number three of this is give her the tools to be able to help herself. In this area. So if you wanna learn more about that, go check out our free training for sports moms. It's at train her game.com. We actually go deeper into all of this. We go over our unstoppable athlete method that we use to teach athletes how to strengthen their mental game. We give you really tangible tips on what you can be doing, what you can be saying to help build her mental game and her confidence as well. All right, mom, I hope this was helpful. I feel you. I, I know exactly. what you're going through in those moments where it's really easy for your daughter to be negative. But I hope that some of this is helpful to see not only what you can be doing in those moments, but also to recognize what's going on in her athlete brain during these times, and just knowing that it can be a lot more productive moving forward, knowing that, Hey, this is normal, right? This is normal, and my job is to support her through this process. Because that's gonna help her process it a lot more effectively. All right, moms, I am Coach Bria. Thank you again for joining me today. I will see you in the next episode of the Raising Unstoppable Girl Athletes Podcast.