5 Ways To Get Your Athlete Daughter To Be More Aggressive In Her Sport So She Can Compete Confidently Without Holding Back

And welcome back to the raising unstoppable girl athletes podcast. My name is coach Bri and elite competitor coach for female athletes. And I am excited that you are here, whether you are a sports mom, that's just getting going on this whole sports mom journey. Or you have a lot of seasons under your belt, or really anywhere in between this podcast is for you to help you know, how to help your daughter play with confidence and compete to her potential. And also for you to kind of help you enjoy the sports journey a little bit more. Now today's episode is all about how to get your daughter to be more aggressive in her sport so that she can compete without holding back. So if you have a daughter who, you know, that she has that inner drive in her, you know, that she could be more aggressive, but for some reason she's holding back. We're going to dive into that today. I love this topic because honestly I was that athlete for awhile. I was the athlete where my coaches were always saying, be more aggressive, be more aggressive, don't hold back, and I was holding back. Eventually I learned how to not do this. I'm going to draw on that a little bit and also talk about what's going on with your daughter mentally and how you can help her in these situations. Now, before we dive in, I want to give a shout out to a mom in our community who posted something that was really moving for me inside our private group for moms going through our program. So her name is Courtney and she posted this the other day. And I just want to give her a shout out. So Courtney said we are on week eight of the elite competitor program. Growing up, playing sports and living with my grandma, she rarely attended any of my competitions. I didn't have a good example of a mom, but promised myself I would be present for every moment I possibly could. At some point, I've realized that I have become helicopter-ish and I've put a ton of pressure on my oldest to be her best self. Doing that has created a people pleaser who always is worrying about other people, coaches, teachers, family being upset or disappointed with her. We have found such a new place with this program. The narrative has completely changed. She has always been very standoffish and self-sufficient last night, she came home and snuggled with me on the couch and we looked for dresses for Sadie Hawkins. Guys, she hasn't done this in years. It's not just sports coach, Bri. It's life-changing. Thank you for helping me know what to say and how to open the safe space for her and helping her improve her overall confidence in volleyball and in life. So I just wanted to share that that really, it's moving for me because what Courtney is describing here, she's actually being a cycle breaker. We talk about how, you know, Courtney, as she says, didn't have a great example of a mom who was in that supportive environment and she vowed to not do that, and yet, it's really hard when we put that pressure on our kids. What Courtney do is doing here is she is learning, through the program, how to be that space for her daughter, how to help cultivate confidence in her daughter, not just in her sport, but in life. So Courtney, I just want to say you're doing amazing. Keep up the good work and keep updating us on how things are going. We're super, super proud of you. All right. Before we get into this episode, one other thing, it really helps us if you rate and review and share this podcast with your friends. So if you can just take a moment to give us a rate, give us a review. If you enjoy this podcast, share it with another sports mom or sports dad, that really does help us out. And it helps you out as well, because we can bring on awesome guests that best serve you. Alright. Let's get into this episode for today. Five ways to get your daughter to be more aggressive in her sport so she can compete without holding back. Doesn't that sound amazing? Okay, we're going to get into number one. The first thing that we need to do is realize and understand why she is holding back. There's always a reason. There always is a reason, and we might not exactly know what that reason is, but I'm going to give you some ideas and maybe some will resonate with you. So, some of the reasons why she might be holding back in the first place is because of her physical characteristics, which are her perceived limitations. So potentially she has some physical characteristics that she perceives as limiting for her in her sport. So some examples: I'm too short. I'm too short to play that position. I'm too tall to play that position. I'm too slow. I'm too young. I'm too big. I am not big enough. I don't have enough experience. And the list goes on and on and on. So she has this idea of what an ideal person or ideal athlete looks like or acts like in a position. And of course, some of that is true, right? In some sports we see that some athletes in some positions are taller, and some are shorter, or have these, these characteristics that aid them in that position. But what happens is athletes tend to internalize those things very quickly. And they tend to notice right away, if I am not that, or I don't look like that person, or I don't fit this mold or this category, then all of a sudden I can not be whatever it is in that position. And so they quickly decide these things and beside that their physical characteristics or their experience, doesn't set them up for whatever sport or activity they're competing in. And then they have that belief that they carry around with themselves. And we know that what athletes believe about themselves dictates a lot of how they show up. And in fact that lives in the part of their brain called their subconscious. I'm sure you're aware of the conscious versus the subconscious mind. So, if she has a subconscious belief about herself, that she is too"whatever" to play her sport; she is too slow, she's too tall, she's too short to"whatever," she will never outperform that belief. We know that the subconscious mind controls about 90% of what your daughter does in her sport and in her life. So she has that deep belief about herself, no matter how many times you tell her,"it doesn't matter how tall you are. You're fine." That's logical. That's using her conscious brain. She's going to go with the subconscious. And so she could have some of these things that are playing below the surface. All right. So maybe that's your daughter. Another thing is that some athletes just have a personality that is just a little bit more reserved, a little more shy, a little more introverted, and maybe they prefer other people to take the lead. They don't mind playing more of a supportive role. And also, some athletes feel that others will think they're mean, or they're rude if they are being more aggressive. So we tend to see this a lot with female athletes. We see, you know, I don't want to step up or step on anyone's toes for fear that they might not like me. And that's a topic for a whole nother episode around helping our athletes realize that, Hey, being yourself and not dimming your light is what you need to do out there, no matter what people might say or think. You're always going to have people saying and thinking things about you, you can't control that. So be you. Right? And we teach athletes that any elite competitor program, really to help them understand that by not being themselves, they're actually doing a disservice to themselves and to their team. Right? So some athletes personalities just don't lean towards the more aggressive type. And you know your daughter well enough to know, this is your daughter, right? Is she more introverted? Is she more reserved? You know, that's just her personality type, and there is actually nothing wrong with this, and it's important that athletes know this. However, sometimes their sport really will require them to bring another level of intensity, and oftentimes what athletes think, if you know, they're not the more aggressive type that's going to make bold moves and do that, that's not their personality, so it just feels very unnatural to do that on the court. And so I'm going to teach you a technique at the end of this episode that I use with athletes to help them with that, to kind of help them reconcile that idea of, it's okay for me to be introverted and shy, but also be more aggressive on the court or the field or in my sport. Okay? Now, so those are two main reasons why she might be holding back her physical characteristics or her perceived limitations. Her personality, which is fine. She might just be a little more introverted. Okay. That's a lot of athletes, honestly. And then we also have the fear. Okay, so this is probably more common. Well, it just depends on your athlete, but we see this a lot; fear of something. Fear of making a mistake. Fear of disappointing her teammates. Fear of disappointing coaches. Fear of disappointing you. Fear of being in the spotlight and outshining other people. And so these fears that athletes have, can be conscious and subconscious. Your athlete might not actually know that she has this fear of letting people down, or she might be very aware that she is hesitating because she does not want to miss that shot for fear of what might happen, or what her teammates, or coaches, or you might think. Here's what we know. The number one job of our brains, especially of an athlete's brain, is to keep us safe. Now, this means physically safe. Our brains are responsible for keeping us breathing, for making sure all the systems are running, but also psychologically safe. Meaning, do I fit in? Do people still accept me? And so when your daughter makes a mistake out on the court, or she does something that is not what she is supposed to do out there. Meaning, she messes up, right? It happens. Every single athlete does it. But when she does this, her brain is going into the state and telling her, Ooh, you're potentially not safe anymore. What are people thinking? And now all of a sudden that is what's taking over, and she's kicked into what we call the fight or flight state; sympathetic nervous system. We go actually into detail on this on our free training for sports mom. So if you want to check that out, it's at trainhergame.com. We go into exactly what happens in the athlete brain when she makes mistakes and get, gets kicked out of flow state. So if you want to do a deep dive into kind of the neuroscience behind that and how you can help, go check out that training at trainhergame.com That fear though, is driving things for your daughter. So she does have this underlying fear, or even if she's conscious of it, this will cause her to hesitate, and it will cause her to pull back. It's safer to pull back and not make mistakes than it is to put herself out there, take risks, make mistakes, fail, and then fear other people not liking her. So that is another reason. One other reason before we move on to point number two, is she potentially just doesn't even know what is expected of her in her role. So sometimes we see athletes hesitating and holding back because they just don't know, what does this role entail? What is my job here? What am I supposed to do? And so that can be an easy fix. It can be a, Hey, let's get some clarity of what your job is in this position. What is your coach expect of you to do in that position? So that's kind of a low-hanging fruit one. If she's just like out there, not really sure what she is supposed to do, that can also cause her to hesitate. Okay. So those are kind of the four main buckets of why she could be hesitating. So kind of think to yourself, what is it for your daughter? Is it that she has a perceived limitation or belief about herself that she is not good in that area, or not good at defense or she's too tall or short? Is it her personality? Is it a fear of something? Or is it confusion? Like she doesn't know what she's supposed to do, or is it a combo of them? Could be. All right. Number two. This one I'm going to have you be reflective of yourself right now. When you see your daughter up there hesitating a little bit, not being as aggressive as maybe other athletes, or, as you know she could be, I want you to ask yourself: is this a problem for me? Or is this a problem for her? And the only way that you're really going to know if this is a problem for her, if it's a problem for you, is to ask her. Is she enjoying her sport? Is she having fun? Is she achieving whatever goals she wants for herself in her sport? And maybe her goal is to have fun, play with her teammates, enjoy the game, be out there. And so it's really important that we're constantly checking in with ourselves because something that they don't tell you very often, is that when our athletes are competing, our daughters are competing out there, it can be tough for us as parents to watch. Where we see them out there we are like, oh my gosh, she made a mistake. And now all of a sudden, it feels like all eyes are on me, the parent. Oh man. And we are so invested in it with them. And sometimes we attach our self-worth, and how we feel about ourselves, and how we think others perceive us to our daughter's success, or lack of. And we just really have to be aware of this happening. And so I want you to ask yourself is how she is performing out there, in terms of how aggressive she is, is that actually a problem? Or is it just a problem for me? And I want to see her be more aggressive. Because I know she can, you know, do whatever. And so I just want you to just ask yourself that, and maybe it is maybe it's like, no, I just know that she would have more fun if she was more aggressive. I know she'd get more opportunities if she was more aggressive, and that's what she said she wants. And so the only real way that you're going to know this is if you ask her, and then if you're really honest with yourself. Maybe you don't even need to ask her. Maybe you're like, yeah, actually, she's doing her thing out there. She's having fun. She's connected with her teammates. She's achieving what she wants. She's on the right path. This is more of a me thing. And I need to let go of this expectation that she somehow needs to be different than what she is out there. And so that's just something for you to ponder number two. Okay? Number one is, understand the reason why she's holding back. Number two, ask yourself, is this actually a problem, or is this just a problem for me? All right. Number three. So say it is something that she's telling me, like, she feels like she's hesitating. She recognizes that she's playing better in practice than she is in games.. Maybe there is some fear, some pressure, maybe she doesn't even know exactly why it's happening, but it is, and she wants it to be different. Maybe you've had that conversation and you've used the I notice" phrase: Hey, I noticed that when you don't hesitate and take more risks, you have fun, and you're making shots that you wouldn't normally make. And I've noticed lately that you're not, you know, you're not being as aggressive as you have been in practice. Do you notice that too? Maybe you've had that conversation and she is like, yeah, I do notice that. And she, maybe she's opening up a little bit. Here's something that you can do. That's kind of a long game thing. Okay. A long game thing is be just very aware and intentional of where you're placing your recognition and your praise. Because sometimes what happens is we know that athletes achieve outcomes in their sport, right? That's the most visible thing that we see; how they're performing, what their stats are, how many goals they're scoring, how many points they're accumulating, all of these like outward things. And it's the easiest thing to praise and to recognize. And what happens at the subconscious level when we praise and recognize only those things, outcome things, our athletes are attaching, again at the subconscious level, they're not potentially aware that they're doing this; they're attaching how they feel about themselves to these things as well. Oh, gosh, it's the only thing that ever gets recognized, you know? My parents are always recognizing these outcomes, these accolades that I'm getting, these stats. So they're connecting my acceptance, my love, even though you know that you love your child regardless of what they do out there, but they are attaching some of these really deep, emotional needs to the outcomes that they're getting in their sport. Which we know it is not healthy. Right? We want to make sure that our athletes know that we love them regardless of how they perform. Right? We love them regardless of how many points they score, how many baskets they get; that's not what it's about. Right? We want them to enjoy the process, to work really hard, to be a great teammate. All of those things. So we want to be aware, not just to ignore the outcomes, but also be aware of where we're placing our recognition. And so when you do see your daughter working hard, putting in the effort, you see those glimmers of where she is more aggressive in a certain place. I want you to catch her doing those things, and I want you to bring it to her attention. And no matter how she responds, it doesn't really matter. Okay? It is more about recognizing the process and the effort, the things that are in her control that she is doing out there that are getting her those positive outcomes. Okay? So it could sound like, Hey, I noticed that you were working so hard. You know, you missed that shot, but you didn't get down. You got right back on defense, that was awesome. Would have been easy just to give up there. Hey, I noticed that when your teammates were down, you were the one that was giving them high-fives. That's awesome. That's not easy to do. I noticed that you're putting in the work, even when you don't feel like it. And even just who she is as a person. What do you love about her? What is that theme? What are those things that she brings to your life, to her life? Who is she? And where can we highlight those things about her? Those things that aren't related to what she does in her sport, but more who she is. In the elite competitive program we call this her positive innate qualities, and we make it a commitment, and an intentional practice to highlight these positive inequalities in who she is. And again, that's more of a long game, but this is really how you develop deep confidence in your athlete so that she can be free to perform however she wants to perform and take more risks, knowing that those risks don't jeopardize her relationship with you, and how you perceive her. And so that is a long game on be aware and be very intentional of where you're placing your praise and your recognition. Okay, we're on number four. So we've gone through number one, know what's holding her back. Okay. So I went over kind of four main things that could be holding her back. Number two, ask yourself, is this a problem? Or is this just a problem for me? Is this just something that's bothering me because I am aggressive, or I am competitive, or maybe I wasn't when I was younger. So I want to see her be competitive and aggressive. Ask yourself. We just got to check in with herselves often about that. Number three, be aware of where you're placing your recognition and your praise. Pull up those positive inequalities. Number four. This is important. Give her the skills to navigate failure. To navigate mistakes. To handle pressure. This is key. Because you are not in her brain. You know, obviously. And you are not out there on the court with her when she is making mistakes. You are not out there before a game with her when she's dealing with that overwhelming amount of pressure. You're not. And so the best thing you can do is give her skills to be able to navigate those very normal experiences of being an athlete. And so, does she have a routine to come back from mistakes so that she feels confident knowing she can make mistakes because she has a proven routine, you know, a failure recovery method to come back from mistakes? Does she know how to change her relationship with pressure so that it's not pressure and nerves and anxiety are going to bring me down, but pressure, nerves, and anxiety are actually here and present to help me perform? Does she have that skill of being able to recognize when she's thinking a negative thought to catch it and change it to be more productive? These are all mental training skills that your daughter needs that are not just picked up along the way. And they're typically not taught by your daughter's coach either because most coaches are not trained in how to teach the mental side of the game. I wasn't at least. Okay? I had to go find my own certification, use my own time, my own money to learn this part of the game. And these are skills that are just like physical skills. They can be taught. They can be practiced. It can be learned. And these are skills that your daughter needs if she wants to play her potential, and part of playing to her potential is learning to not hesitate because of this fear of failure. Because of this fear of making mistakes. Because of a belief about herself that she's letting people down or she's not good enough. And without the skills to be able to change these things, she will continue to live in this pattern. Remember 90% of what she does is controlled by her subconscious. So she's not working on her subconscious through visualization. Through being aware of what her thought patterns are before they become beliefs. Right? If she's not doing that, then these things will continue to run her experience in her sport. Give her the skills to overcome those things. Continue to listen to this podcast. You know, we have athlete tips on the podcast too. The elite competitor program is in existence because of this. This is why we've created the program. Our free training for sports moms at trainhergame.com also helps you know these skills so that you can teach them, and help your daughter with this part of the game. All right, so that's number four. Number five. I'm actually gonna leave you with a little technique. Okay? This is actually a technique that I use with athletes. It's called the alter ego technique. This episode is jam packed, so hope you took notes or something. Or you can go back and listen to it again. So the alter ego technique, this is going to sound silly at first, but I tell you right now, my college athletes are doing this right now as well. What it is basically, I mean, it's just what it sounds; your daughter is going to have an alter ego when she goes out on the court. So what I was thinking at the beginning is sometimes it's really hard for athletes, especially the ones that are introverted are just naturally more shy, to reconcile that who they are with being this other person on the court. Okay? Be aggressive, like go take risks. Even in like their normal life they wouldn't do that. Okay? And so alter ego kind of gives them the freedom to be someone different when they're competing. It's almost like they're putting on like a mask or a costume. Something different when they go out there. And so what I have athletes do is write down the qualities of the athlete that they want to be out there who is aggressive, who is taking a risks. What does the athlete do? You know, do they shoot the ball instead of pass it away? Do they go for the hard skill? You know, do they you know, when they make a mistake, they get back up and get right back into it? Mistakes actually fuel them to do harder things. And I have them brainstormed for like a minute, two minutes, on what would this athlete look like to be fearless? And give specific examples, you know, of what this looks like in their context of their sport. As they kind of, you know, get that out, I'm like, oh man, this is what it would look like. This is what it feels like. This is how they would treat their teammates. And then would I have them do, this is kind of the part that might seem silly, is I have them assign an animal to those characteristics. So I have them read through. And they're like, oh wow, this this athlete is fast. They're fierce. They're strong. They're resilient. And I have them assigned an animal that represents those characteristics. I've had everything from like a cheetah to a lion; usually they're like big, aggressive, jungle animals, but I've also had an athlete choose a penguin once because she was like, they're calm and they slide down ice. I don't know. She had like this whole reasoning behind it, but whatever works for your athletes. Okay. The whole idea is that she is now going to kind of channel that animal when she goes out and competes. And I also have athletes, you know get a picture of that animal and put it somewhere or look at it before they compete. Put it on their journal that they use in the elite competitor program. Put it on the front of their journals so that they're seeing like, this is the athlete that I want to be out there. This is what I'm going to channel. So when I step out into the court, when I step on the beam, I step on the mat, the field, I am becoming this cheetah. And that gives them the freedom to actually be that. Again, it sounds silly, but it really does work. So that is a little tip that I'm going to leave you with. You can even have your athlete listened to that part of this podcast if you'd like. Depending on what your relationship is with her, you can kind of go through that with her. We're doing this with athletes inside the elite competitor program as well. And it's it's really fun. Alright, moms, I hope this was helpful to kind of recap: five ways to get your athlete daughter, to be more aggressive in her sport. Number one, look under the surface. Why is she holding back in the first place? What do you think is causing that? Because once we know that, then we can help with a solution there. Number two, ask yourself, is this a problem? Is this even a problem, or is it just a problem for me? Ask yourself that often. Be aware of where you're placing your praise, your recognition. Find intentional ways where we can pull out her positive and equalities. Give her the skills to change her relationship with pressure. Give her the skills to be able to overcome mistakes. You've heard the skills to manage her expectations and change those unproductive beliefs she has about herself. That's really important. And then number five, I left you with the alter ego technique that you can try with your daughter. Alright, moms. I am coach Bri. I am here for you and to support you and your daughter's athletic journey, and I will see you in the next episode of the raising unstoppable girl athletes podcast.