Playing Time Issues? Do This First To Help Your Athlete Deal

Welcome back to the raising of stackable girl athletes podcast. My name is coach Bri. And only competitor coach for female athletes. And I'm excited that you're here Now, if you're a sports mom that is just getting started on this journey, or maybe you've got lots of seasons under your belt or somewhere in between this podcast is for you to help strengthen your athlete daughter's mental game, get her to believe in herself as much as you do and to enjoy this whole sports journey while it lasts. Let's get into today's episode. We are talking about playing time, and this is a very tangible episode because I've been hearing a lot in our community of moms around this whole issue of playing time. If your daughter is not getting the playing time she wants, how to go about it. How to have a conversation with a coach, if that needs to happen, we're going to get into all of those details. Now, before we redo, I want to give a shout out to a mom in our community. So her name is Julian and just the other day, she posted this in our community. She said,"The new found confidence is amazing." So Julian's daughter is going through the elite competitor program. She said,"I have been teaching my husband what I'm learning because he can be really hard on her. Today. She went out and her regional football team and crushed it had an all around awesome game that resulted in seven goals. Coach came to tell her how awesome her game was. Oh. And the goals were great to the team one 14 months, and then continued after that with some advanced soccer training." So. Nice at job, not only for these. You know, amazing things that are happening out on the field for your daughter, but what's really special about this is that julianne and her husband are also going through the program together. So they are both learning the parent's side of how to support their daughter through her sports journey. So they're learning all around how to say things before competitions that are going to be helpful, what to do afterwards. And the best part about this is that her and her partner are on the same page. There's enormous power in this. So she said, you know, my husband can be really hard on her. We hear this all the time. So when partners go through the program together and they're on that same page. It really does make a big difference in their daughter's performance. So pretty cool. Keep it up. All right. Let's get into today's episode, all around playing time issues, and what to do about that. Playing time can be tricky, especially depending on your daughter's age and her ability levels. So what competition level she is competing or playing out. And there are some things there out of your daughter's control when it comes to playing time. There's some things are out of your control when it comes to playing time. However, there are some key things that are both in your control and in her control when it comes to this issue. So we're gonna talk specifically if you're finding that your daughter is not getting the playing time that she wants to be getting, or you are feeling like, you know what, what's going on with this? Why isn't she playing in games? What can I do here? Let's get into it. First thing that you need to do is go to your daughter's coach and totally just yell at them and tell them how wrong they are. I'm I'm joking. I hope that you can catch the sarcasm there. Don't do that. What I see often is that parents just, you know, we, we jumped to conclusions and we think, okay, this is not right. And I'm going to go do something about it. And then it ends up making the situation worse. So don't do that. Do you really want to know what number one is? Okay. Number one is let's keep the big picture in mind when we're dealing with playing time issues. Why is your daughter playing sports in the first place? Likely it's because you want her, or she wants to develop good work habits. Right? She wants to learn how to be a good teammate gain confidence, navigate disappointments in hard times. Those are the core reasons why she is playing her sport or because she enjoys it. Right. That's gotta be in there too. And so these situations that your daughter is going through, where she is disappointed, she's not getting what she wants. There are things at play that are out of her control. These are great opportunities to develop her confidence and teach her how to navigate disappointments and hard times. And too often. I see parents allowing their child to fall into. Victim mindset around this it's someone else's fault. Coach has favorites. That girl is not as good as you. Why is she playing? And you're not, you're not playing you always do this, right. And she always says that. Right. And we are actually perpetuating this mindset that it's somebody else's fault and I'm the victim here. And there's nothing I can do about it. And what happens when your daughter falls into this mindset is that then she feels powerless. She loses her confidence because she's not getting what she wants and she feels like there's nothing she can do about it. And focusing on all of those things that are out of our control or potentially even stories that we are. I wouldn't say making up theirs, there are situations that are, you know, we have politics that player. You know, coaches have favorites. Those things happen. But when we focus on them as the reasons why I can't enjoy my sport or get better or be a good teammate still. Those things are not going to move the needle. And they're going to cause your daughter to just kind of fall into this mindset of it's somebody else's fault. You know, I'm powerless here. And so I want you first to shift your mindset to this as an opportunity to help my daughter focus on what is in her control, how she can improve. And what her work ethic is and her attitude that she brings daily, because there still are things that are in her control, even if she's not getting the playing time that she wants. So that is number one. Is it let's at first. Make sure that we're keeping the big picture in mind here. And the big picture isn't playing time. Right. It actually isn't yes. We'll get into the importance of playing time and how to make sure that you're choosing a team, if you can, that prioritizes what goals you have for your daughter, what goals she has for herself. But we got to make sure that we first just check in with ourselves. Is it really about the playing time? Is she still checking those boxes of she can develop work habits? She can improve at something. She can set goals for herself and work towards them. She can navigate challenging situations. Those are the big picture reasons why our daughters are in athletics. And if she is making progress in those areas, then playing time, maybe isn't as big of an issue as we think it is. Now. I know for a lot of us, you're like, wait, but it is a huge issue. So we'll get into that as well. But I also want to say this. We need to check ourselves. When it comes to this issue too. Does she actually want more playing time or do you want her to have more playing time? Is this her issue? Or is it your issue? I'm going to be really honest with you right now, because it's very hard, brings up a lot in some of us when we see our daughters out there and they're not on the court, on the field. And it can bring up some shameful feelings in us. It can bring up some shameful and some, some hard memories from our past as well. And sometimes if we're not aware and luckily I get to work with the most emotionally intelligent women in our communities. But sometimes if we're not aware of this, we can be projecting these issues onto our daughters. And we can create an issue for her that's actually not an issue for her. Maybe she already does know her role on the team. Maybe her coach has already communicated this with her. Maybe she already knows what she's working on. She knows exactly. How much 20 times she's getting, maybe those things have already been in place. But you're having an issue with it. So just want to always make sure we come back to that. Is this your daughter's issue? Is she struggling with her lack of playing time? Or is this your issue? Okay, so that is number one. Let's keep the big picture in mind. Let's check in with ourselves first. Let's make sure our daughters and our ourselves like, make sure we are not following into a victim mindset as well. And just blaming other people and getting really deep down into this like negative it's everyone else's fault mindset. Number two. Now, this is kind of a tangible thing. Know how playing time is distributed on your daughter's team. Now, this is likely an expectation that should be laid out by your daughter's coach. And if you have the opportunity before you join a team, I know that not everyone has this luxury of like, okay, I'm going to choose team for my daughter or we get to, we have multiple opportunities in front of us. That's not always the case. And even if it's not, it's still important that you know, and that you ask these questions. Okay. How is playing time distributed on your daughter's team? Now I know I am speaking to a very wide variety of moms of athletes. Meaning that we have some ten-year-olds who are playing sports all the way up to college. We have beginner rec sports all the way up to competitive, you know, playing for national championships. And so the playing time is going to be distributed very differently and it's going to look a lot different on each of those teams. And so you also have to know, what environment do I want for my daughter? Kind of knowing what her skills are and what you, what you hope for her. We would probably want to make sure that she is on a team that's going to support that. So if you want your daughter to gain a lot of playing time and a lot of opportunities to be out there, but you know that her skills still need a lot of developing, then maybe she should be on a developmental team where she is going to get more playing time versus a very high level competitive team where potentially the playing time is harder to come by.

And so it's really important to know ahead of time, if you can, how playing time is distributed, how it is earned and what the roles on the team are. So is playing time a hundred percent equal or is it not, is playing time determined by attitude and attendance, or is it determined by talent only? And these are the type of questions that are, if you have the opportunity to ask a coach, It's really, really important. And then you can kind of know what the expectations are and your daughter knows what the expectations are. And she's not blindsided. If, if playing time isn't equal because it's not supposed to be on this team.

The other thing that's really important to know, and your daughter might not actually know this until she gets on a team as to know what her role is. You sometimes can ask what her anticipated role might be, but on some teams, there are a variety of roles. I mean, there's different positions, but there's also a variety of roles on a team. And those roles might come with different levels of planning time. And so a role might be a starter. A role might be a backup, a role might be something different than that. I'm not sure. It really depends on what the coaches have outlined as various roles on a team. And so knowing this ahead of time, you know, what are the roles that exist on this team and what are the playing times and expectations that are attached to each of these roles? This is a really important question also that your daughter asks if the coach doesn't automatically do this, but asks, I started the season. Hey, coach, what do you anticipate my role is going to be on this team and that way there's just clarity there. Right? This is something that I do with my athletes that I coach, we do a role clarity meeting at the very beginning of the season. We check in every week about their roles, that progress that they're making. Because it's just that, that clarity, the athletes, you know, thrive on is really important. If they're confused or they expect that their role should be something and it's different and they're on a different page then their coach, then that's where this issue comes in. If the expectation is, you know, this is what your role is. This is likely the plan time that you're going to get. This is what you need to improve in that role. This is what you need to do to jump to a different role. If that's what you want, then a path is there and the path is clear. So. That's really important too. So number two, if possible, know what, or how is playing time distributed? What are the roles on the team? And what are the coach's expectations for earning playing time? How is that all figured out? Because that also helps clear up a lot of confusion. All right. Number three. This one is important. There are things that are likely out of your control. And out of your daughter's control in this situation, maybe there are politics at play. Maybe the coach is making decisions that you don't agree with. Maybe there is favoritism happening. All of those things are very real, but when we only focus on those things, then we're not actually moving towards any solution or moving towards progress in any area. And so number three is to strengthen what is in her control. And one of the main things that is in her control is her mindset and her attitude and her thought patterns and strengthening these things and helping her decide what she is going to focus on and what is in her control. Not only will it help her actually navigate these tough situations better, but these things are actually gonna probably help improve your playing time as well. And we talk a lot with athletes in the program about, what you focus on, expands. Your thoughts create your reality. And so if your daughter is just ruminating on thoughts of my coach, doesn't like me, I actually am of no use or value on this team. Why am I even here? Thoughts create feelings, feelings create actions, actions get us results, which put us into situations. And so your daughter is likely not playing her best if she is continuing to hold onto and ruminate on thoughts of: my coach doesn't like me. I don't belong on this team. I'm not even good enough. All of those things are very unproductive. And so teaching our athletes how to shift their focus, to productive thoughts around the situation. Things like this is challenging, but I'm up for a challenge. I don't like this situation, but I can do hard things. I would rather this, I would rather this be different, but there's an opportunity here and I'm going to go find it. And that puts them in a place of empowerment of, Hey, I'm going to go seek out solutions. Maybe I am going to talk to my coach. Maybe I am going to work on my weaknesses. Maybe I am going to ask for extra feedback. You want me to get extra training. You know, then our athletes are in this place of. Now I can take action and I'm not just letting all these things happen to me. I am deciding how I'm going to respond in this situation. And so strengthening your athlete daughter's mindset around this is key. If you want to learn a little bit more about this, we talk more in depth in our free training for sports moms. So you can check that out at train her game.com. We have a free training. That's about 45 minutes where we go in depth on, on how to help your daughter really strengthen that side of her game. The other thing about this is to see a bigger picture for your daughter as well and help her see them as well. And that is her team. You know, she has one person on a team. And so if we can shift our focus to all right, how can I actually make my team better? What can I do to improve the other people on my team? What does my team need from me? What role do I need to play in order for my team to create the most success possible? And I know this is sometimes really hard. It's hard for us as parents. It's hard for kids sometimes to recognize this as well, but can I think of someone or something outside of just myself in my experience? And that is really powerful as well, and you can help facilitate that. Remembering that your perspective of the situation and your perspective of what your daughter is telling you about playing time and telling you about what coach said or what this teammate said or what happened here happened there, is just your perspective and just her perspective. And just always keeping in mind and asking yourself the question: what else is there to this story? What might I not know? What could I benefit from knowing more of? What questions do I need to ask to learn more about this? And coming at it from a, from a curious standpoint, instead of just trashing teammates as well and trashing your daughter's coach, the moment that you get into that, now we're in this negative spiral and it's really hard for your daughter to make any forward progress because now she doesn't trust her coach as much,she doesn't trust her teammates because you are also negatively talking about those people that she should have really strong connections with. And now we're putting our daughters in this really tough spot of do I listen to you inside with my mom? Or do I listen to you inside with my coach? We never want our daughters to have to decide that. Now if there are situations of abuse and you know, anything like that, and that's not what I'm talking about. Okay. Obviously you need to step in, in those situations, but if we're talking just, you know, playing time or like, Hey coach said this, or did this and. You know, it made me feel this way. And just ask those questions. Hmm. Okay. Tell me more about that. How do you want me to support you in this? Do you want me to be here just for you to listen? Or do you want me to come up with some solutions with you? Where do you need more support to get better in this area? And moving her in this direction of supporting, focusing on what's in her control. Focusing on her team, bigger picture. You know, those things are also really, really important. So let's talk now. You know, what we've gone over so far is make sure that we're keeping the big picture in mind and check in with yourself often. Is this my problem or is this my daughter's problem? I'm not, you know, sometimes we create problems for our kids. And it's actually not their problem at all. So check in with yourself. No. And understand how playing time is distributed and earned on your team. What is your daughter's role on the team? Okay. If she's playing a high level competitive team, that's, you know competing for nationals or whatever, then maybe her role isn't a starter. Maybe her role is a backup and what's expected of her in those moments is to be a great teammate on the bench and is to make sure that she is giving feedback to people in her position group. It is to make sure she's giving a hundred percent in practice and supporting in that way. And if that's her role, you've got to support her in that. All right. And if, if that's not a role that she wants, then Hey, I'm going to give a hundred percent to this role while also asking my coach, we'll get into that on how I can develop into a new role that I do want. Alright also know that when you move the needle a lot by strengthening what is in her control, and that includes her mindset, her attitude, her thought patterns. Her where she's putting her focus isn't on team or is it just herself? So all of those things you can kind of help guide making sure that you're meeting her with curiosity when she is coming to you, talking about playing time issues or other teammates or coaching decisions, all of those things, again, curiosity over judgment, curiosity, over jumping to conclusions. Those things are really, really key. Now, if a conversation does need to happen, let's go there. I say your daughter. Is just like, I do want this to change. I just don't know how, Hey, let's talk about how we can do that. And obviously the age of your daughter is important in this. The younger your daughter is I think the more support she's going to need from you and the older that she is, maybe she can do it a little bit more on her own, but she still also might need you there just kind of for first support and. Here it is. We find that it's best if your daughter can learn these skills of advocating and talking to her coach, rather than you jumping over and talking to the coach yourself. And like I said, you can be there for that conversation, but empowering your daughter for, with what words she can say, how she can frame this conversation is really important and it helps her develop this muscle and the skill of having tough conversations. Now in our program, we actually have a whole little mini course on how to talk to your coach. We teach athletes these five steps on how to talk to your coach and how to initiate a conversation. And what questions to ask your coach, what follow up questions. So. When you joined the elite competitor program, which is our signature mental training program for female athletes, you get that little mini course included. So that's a really helpful resource for those of you that are in ECP. Now for you, if you're like, okay, my daughter does want to have a conversation, but we don't know how to, how to go about this. Some really helpful things that your daughter can help kind of frame and guide that situation is asking questions like: what is my role on the team? Can you help clarify what my role is on this team and what you're expecting of me? What can I do to improve? What can I do to help my team? Is there opportunity for me to earn more playing time? Can you give me feedback in a certain area? You know, all of those things are really good, helpful, productive conversations. You know, you hear a lot, like what can I do to get more playing time? That's like a common question that some people tell athletes to go ask their coaches. Now, that's a complicated answer because you know, if your daughter's role is different than what you would maybe hope or expect it to be. Your daughter's role is not a starter, and she's asking me, what can I do to get more playing time? And that is kind of the only focus then it's like, well, you know, continue to improve on skills, continue, you know, hopefully your coaching kind of give a plan of like certain skills and things that she needs to improve on. But then the key is, you know, got to go to work on those things and you really have to hone in on them. And as you're getting better, other people are getting better too. So. Yes. I think that that's like, it's an okay question, but I don't think it's the most powerful question and the athletes can be asking their coaches. So again, clarity on role is super important. And then here's the key: go to work on those things? And it's not going to be a, Hey, my coach that I need to work my ball handling skills. I did it one day in practice and I'm not getting more playing time. No, this is a long process. She even might need support outside of practice. She might need extra training in this area. And so those are the things that we really have to take in and decide, okay, what am I going to do about this? Right. Am I really going to commit to these things? Am I going to work on this part of my game, I'm going to seek extra feedback? I'm going to watch film? And that those are the areas that sometimes athletes are like, Okay, I asked I did it one time. Didn't work. You got to commit to the process of this and continue to ask for feedback as well. Am I, am I moving in the right direction here? Right. So that is a really helpful way to, you know, kind of guide a conversation if an athlete's having that with a coach, but get it ahead of time, make a plan with your, with your athlete. Like what are the key questions that I want to ask? Where do I need clarity? And then ask your daughter, where do you want me to support you in this? I'm not going to be the one talking for you, but I'll be there for support. So that I can make sure I can fill in the gaps. If you forget something or you need me to elaborate on something, but you are the one who was initiating this conversation because this should be your daughter's conversation, and it should be her issue if you will. Not yours. Right. But again, it's very hard to ask a 12 year old to go talk to a coach. There's a power dynamic there. So I would definitely recommend, especially if your daughter's young to, to be there. Now it kind of escalates from there. If they still don't, you know, get better in the sense that maybe it's not, we're not judging that based on playing time, but your daughter's not, you know, she's still kind of losing confidence around this whole playing time thing. And she's having a hard time focusing on what's in our control. And you do feel like there needs to be more of a conversation that's where you kind of can escalate to a conversation with a coach come just you and the coach or you and the coach and the director. There's other things that you can do, but. To be totally honest here, if we focus on these things that I talked about, right? So really empowering your daughter with the strength to be able to navigate this tough conversation, to advocate for herself ticket to you to open that door with her coach. This is really where you were going to make the biggest difference in helping her confidence in this area. Because it's not going to actually make her more confident if we just swoop in and fix it, complain to the coach and get her more playing time. That might be a quick fix depending on what the coach, if they respond to that, she's getting more playing time. But that isn't, that is not the long long-term fix here. And in fact, you're hurting your daughter's confidence longterm. If you come in and just be that, that, that helicopter parent that's like, Hey, miss. I'm going to complain about this and, and get exactly what my daughter wants. I'm telling you right now, long-term is not going to develop her confidence. Now, if you do decide at the end of the season, it's like, Hey, this wasn't a good fit. Wasn't a good environment for my daughter. Yeah. Okay. Then we can make it a better decision next season or next club, whatever it is. That's always an option too. But continue to ask yourself, how can this situation make my daughter better? Make my daughter more confident and make my daughter more empowered. Because from that place is where she's going to grow most in her confidence as an athlete, and as a person. All right, moms. I hope this was helpful. We talked about a lot here as far as playing time goes. I know that there's nuances to all of this as well. I know that there's a lot of different situations that can be super challenging and super frustrating when it comes to this. But continue to come back to these, these keys that we talked about here to help navigate these really tricky situations.

Now before you go, it would help us out a lot. And it actually helped you out a lot too. If you are subscribed to the podcast. So wherever you're listening to this podcast, go ahead and click subscribe or follow or whatever that button is for you, so that you don't miss an episode as it's released. It also helps us that we can make sure that we're bringing on guests to serve you best. All right, moms i will see you in the next episode of the raising unstoppable girl athletes podcast