Raising Elite Competitors

How to Improve the Parent-Coach Relationship with J.P. Nerbun

November 21, 2023 Coach Bre Season 2 Episode 168
Raising Elite Competitors
How to Improve the Parent-Coach Relationship with J.P. Nerbun
Show Notes Transcript

Have you ever wondered how to best support your child in sports without unintentionally causing hurdles? Today, let’s dive into this important topic with J.P. Nerbun, a coach’s coach. We’ll break down the coach-parent relationship, discovering simple ways you can be a solid ally for your child on the field!

In this episode, we talk about:

  • Supporting athletes’ mental game and confidence.
  • Sports parenting and coach dynamics.
  • Coaching culture and parent-coach relationships.
  • Coaching and parenting perspectives.
  • Parental involvement in youth sports teams.
  • Coping with abusive sports coaches.
  • Coaching, playing time, and communication in sports.
  • Athlete development and communication between coaches and parents.
  • Athlete development, coaching, and parent-coach communication.

Ready for more insights? Listen to the full podcast episode and discover how you can play a vital role in your child’s sports journey.

Come hang out with J.P. on social @‌J.P. Nerbun and learn more about his newest book: The Parent Solution.

Episode Highlights: 

[00:00] Supporting athletes’ mental game and confidence.

[02:24] Sports parenting and coach dynamics.

[05:15] Coaching culture and parent-coach relationships. Exploring the parent-coach relationship and how it can be improved.

[10:40] Coaching, accountability, and father-son relationships.

[13:15] Coaching and parenting perspectives. The importance of coaches and parents seeing each other as human beings, rather than just labels or roles.

[20:13] Parental involvement in youth sports teams. Parents can support team culture by taking initiative to introduce themselves and their child to the coach and other parents.

 [23:30] Coping with abusive sports coaches. The challenges of dealing with difficult coaches in sports, particularly in terms of emotional abuse and building resilience.

[26:37] Coaching, playing time, and communication in sports. The complexity of dealing with perceived favoritism in sports, considering factors such as age, level of competition, and job security for coaches.

[32:55] Athlete development and communication between coaches and parents. The importance of recognizing a coach’s strengths and weaknesses in communicating with athletes.

[35:39] Athlete development, coaching, and parent-coach communication. The importance of clear communication between coaches and athletes, particularly when it comes to role expectations and player improvement plans.

Next Steps:

Thank you in advance for joining us on our mission and leaving a rating and review on Apple Podcasts.

Welcome back to the racing elite competitors podcast. I'm coach Bree and mental performance coach for girl athletes. And I'm so happy that you are here. We've got a really special episode on tap with JP Nerven Tucky all about how you can be an ally for your athlete instead of. An obstacle three to get into it. Now, whether you are a sports mom who is just getting, going on this journey with your athlete, or you are a seasoned sports mom with a lot of seasons under your belt. Maybe you're like the team mom. I love those moms so helpful. But wherever you are in this whole journey, this podcast is for you to help you know, how to strengthen your athlete. Daughter's mental game and confidence. Now, before we get into this episode with JP Nerman, and before I talk about who he is and how he's going to help you, I want to give a shout out to a mom and an athlete in our community. So this mom and athlete are inside our. Signature mental training program called the elite mental game. And this is what mom Haley texted me the other day. She said my daughter has been more open with us on what she likes to hear versus doesn't like to hear before, during and after games, she has developed her own little routine to bounce back and has done so well with this. We listened to her and she told us that she wanted to start trying to stop the softball when batting and she has done great with this. So she has gained some confidence. We also just had our last tournament this past weekend and we won. She struck out twice, but capital B UT she didn't cry or let it get her down for the rest of the game. End day. This was a huge improvement. So happy to hear those Hailey, because this is what it's all about. Right? She's able to get over mistakes. All athletes are going to make mistakes. Really? Does your athlete have the skills and the routines to get over those mistakes? And your athlete is going to strike out just like Haley's daughter did. And the fact that she was able to not let this get her down for the rest of the game, the rest of the day, because we know when athletes are struggling and they can't get over those mistakes that impacts their whole family. This is a huge improvement. So congratulations. Can't wait to hear all about. How things are going throughout the rest of the program. All right. Let's get into this episode with JP Nermin. So JP is a bestselling author, leadership coach and founder of T O C at culture consulting, a leading global sports consulting and leadership coaching business. His mission is to support leaders and their teams to achieve their full potential through one-on-one coaching consulting. And community now I first learned about JP nerve. And I'll talk about this in the episode a little bit. Because I, as a coach, as a head high school volleyball coach. I was looking for some resources to help just continue to strengthen the culture of my team. And I came across JP Norman's work and I read his book called the culture system, and it was just really impactful and really gave a framework on how to incorporate some of. The things that strengthened culture in a very tangible way. So I benefited a lot from his research. And recently he has come out with a new book, all about how sports parents and coaches can have a better relationship. So I was like, he needs to come on the podcast and talk about this. Now his book called the sports parents solution is geared towards coaches on how to be part of the solution when it comes to this. Parent coach dynamic and it's actually out today. So if you're listening to this podcast episode at the time of releasing. On November 21st, his book is out. So if you're a coach or even parents, this is a useful resource to know how you can really play your part in this parent coach relationship, which is so important to your athlete success. So we're diving into that today. In the episode, JP is going to shed some light on how you can develop a positive relationship with your athletes, coach. And also we tackle some of these like tricky things that come along with your daughter sport. Like what if I don't agree with the coaching style that's happening? What if I need you talk to my athletes coach, but they have this whole policy. We're not supposed to talk to them. How do I empower my athlete to talk to the coach? So all of these situations and all of these dynamics that are so common. We dive into that. So i hope you enjoy this episode with jp as much as i enjoyed chatting with him welcome JP to the Raising Elite Competitors podcast. I'm so happy you're here. Yeah. It's awesome to be here. Appreciate the opportunity. Yeah. I'm pumped to have you on the podcast for a number of reasons. So JP and I actually met because as a coach, I was looking for more resources for my team to really do a deep dive into the culture of our team and kind of have a way where we could tangibly look at like, what are our values? Are we on track for that? Yeah and then have player improvement plans where we're individually checking in with kids. And just helping them develop as players and yeah, so I jumped in and I read your book culture system joined your program and found it super super useful. And just being really intentional with my team. so, yeah, it's really served us well this whole season. We're on our state championship run right now. We leave for state tomorrow for a three peat. Hopefully. So we're, we're leaning into some of those things that we've been focusing on. So thank you. Yeah, that's awesome. That's exciting. I'm glad it resonated. It had value. Yeah, that's what it's meant to be. So, yeah. So I wanted to have JP come on because not only do you help coaches kind of with the culture of their team, one big piece of culture as a coach that have experienced this firsthand is parents and parents are sometimes it can get hairy. It can get tricky. I'll speak as a coach that coach parent relationship is I will say when I first started coaching, I was A little bit scared of parents. I'll be honest. So I decided to kind of adopt this like parents can't talk to coaches kind of stance, you know, and I was very much this like, if your athlete has an issue, your athlete needs to talk to me and not realizing, you know, now as I've Matured and kind of been into it for a while and you can speak on this as well, but that's a tough thing for a young athlete to do, like, there's a power dynamic, how do they talk to a coach? And I didn't really have this whole like parent as an ally parent as like on my team, it was kind of like parents should be over here and we're doing our thing over here and parents, you don't ask questions, you know, that whole thing. So. I've evolved a lot, but I think that your perspective on the parent is something that I to dive into. So can you get us started? I kind of skipped over, like, can you just talk about what you do and how you help coaches and how you help parents? Yeah, I'm a coach for coaches. So I'm actually a certified executive coach. Which, you know, I've been doing for a few years and I do work with some business leaders, but primarily I'm working with sports coaches at professional collegiate level and high school level, even work with a few like youth level coaches that are also like business leaders. So I work a little bit on there. Hey, let's talk about your youth soccer team and also your business which is their primary job. So, you know, it's just been, interesting to just to try to go in there and serve coaches. That's what I needed as a coach as I needed someone to help me shine a light on some blind spots that things that were holding me back as a leader to effectively build my culture. And I also do consulting, which, you know that is providing some tools and strategies for coaches to build culture. And sometimes I've come in there and diagnosing what's going on with the culture through some assessments. As well as then, you know, giving certain prescriptions and tools that we've created. And many of those are contained within my book the culture system. And obviously if you're talking about sports culture, even at the collegiate level families, you know, parents play a big part of that. And so we've been dividing and designing a lot of cool strategies to work with coaches to build those relationships and those partnerships as well. Yeah. wHich is so great because I know parents that are listening and we have parents that are also coaches. So we've got kind of both sides of this, but I know that parents like everyone has a single parents, coaches, athletes themselves, they want their athletes to succeed. They want their athletes to do well. And I think that, you know, having this strong parent coach relationship is integral to that experience. So can you talk about even your experience as a coach and where you have seen this go a little sideways? Let's just start there. Yeah, I mean, there's so many different stories that I could share of my own experience or either the coaches that I work with where you get this parent that. You there's false accusations made against certain coaches and stuff like that that are found out to be not completely false. I mean, I could go through a lot of different stories, but I think sometimes telling those stories or the stories of the parents fighting at games just paints sports parents in a bad light, which the reality is Most parents were me and your parents, right? it's the hardest job we've got. And it's not the only job we got. We've got so many other things that are on our plate and so many things that make life difficult. And so we're all well intentioned. Maybe we just, we all screw up too at times. And the one story that really was impactful for me, and kind of got, you know there's two parts of the story, but years ago when I was coaching we were going through a transition in my family where we were moving States. And so it was my final year at this, high school I was coaching at. I want to set the stage here cause it was really emotional moment. So my wife and my daughter only had one child at the time. I had we had played a tournament down in Florida, driven seven hours with the team, spent three days, got back to Tennessee where we were living. Then that very next day, I drive my wife all the way up to Pennsylvania, get her settled in and drive all the way back and then coach practice. Right. So like, it's a crazy. Christmas, new year's for me, but I said, Hey, I'm just committed to this team. I'm going to finish this out. And we're living in a good. You know, we're having some struggles in winning, probably my toughest year when it comes to wins and losses ever, but culturally we're stronger than ever because I've really committed to this transformational leadership and valuing players and building relationships and doing the culture, right. But we had a situation where players should have played in the standard was, if you should have played it, you didn't have a good reason, or you weren't communicating that when you set out practice. Player didn't have an issue with it. This had happened once or twice before. That was our standard. The team agreed to it. There was nothing to think of, you know, like it wasn't a big deal. Like it was just, he sat there, he cheered his teammates on, he helped out. And we went, I was getting in my car to go home after that practice. And all of a sudden, this dad, the father of this young man. Pulls his car right in front of me, like almost running me off the road. And so like I slam the brakes, get out of the car and like, Hey, what's going on? And he comes up and gets in my face and just starts laying into me and telling me how I'm I just need to get out of town. I need to leave now. I'm ruining these kids experience that I'm horrible coach. Now I had coached this young man for almost four years at this point. This father had been in my corner all this time. And all of a sudden now I'm holding his son accountable and he's ripping me. Well there are two parts of the story that are really important is first off, I get in my car and I absolutely like meltdown, like it was painful for me, like to have that. And I felt so betrayed and I'm like, man, like I'm trying to do everything right by these kids. And yet this parent doesn't agree with some of the decisions I'm making. Like that was really hard for me. But what I found out a few weeks later was prior to this, that father had just lost his job three weeks prior to that. And then his wife. Kicked him out of the house and his son had stopped talking to him and I asked the player. I said, Hey, something happened with your dad. Like, how are things going? He's like, I don't talk to him. He's a loser. Like, so here he has a strenuous relationship with his son and I became the brunt of his burden. Not fair to me, but like, he's a human being. Right. And so that was really tough. But the crazy thing is six years later, I published the culture system. I tell a little bit of the story at the end of that book, because that story is really important for coaches because when you make this commitment to the kids and putting people first and valuing culture. Not everybody's always going to get on board with it. Some people are going to question your intentions and there's always these things that come up there. But this father a couple of weeks after publishing that book, never read the book, but he texts me on the blue and he just says I hadn't heard from him in like six years. He says. Coach Norbert, I just want to let you know that anytime I start talking to my friends about basketball or my kids sporting experience and their coaches, I always say you were the best coach my son ever had. There's two reasons for that. He says, the first is that you were the one that actually held my son accountable and you were tough on him, but you loved him. and that not only did you help him, but you helped me. He said, you helped me learn how to be a better dad and how to actually hold my son accountable in a respectful way. And so, I mean, that was kind of the general gist of it, but it was just, thank you, thank you for everything you did. This is coming out of nowhere, you know? So what that taught me was not only do I. Need to work with parents, but I can actually have an impact on parents, through my own leadership and through my own relationships. And so I had this relationship with this guy and he obviously was watching how I was leading and that inspired him and taught him some things as well too. Wow, that's really powerful. And also a reminder of the impact that can go both ways and when we do have these relationships with our athletes, coaches that are productive, how much of a difference that can make even if it doesn't come until like down the line, you know, until you don't realize it until later. I love that. So can you talk about what would be beneficial? I mean, in hearing that story, it's like, it kind of shines a light on the parent perspective, and it also shines a light on the coach perspective. And so I'm curious from your point of view, what would be helpful for parents to know about coaches? And what would be helpful for coaches to know about parents what I think is really important is to what we already kind of know. And what we forget is that as a coach, I'm not just a coach. I'm a father. I have. My own challenges, my own struggles. I'm a human being that makes mistakes. And just to remember that, you know, and the same for coaches, remember that about parents, right? And if we can, first off, start to just engage with each other as human beings, not just as, well, that's Johnny's mom, or that's Sally's dad, or right, whatever it is, you're just like, we can stop seeing people just as all that, the parent of that. athlete. We can start to see not just as, well, that's my daughter's coach, right? So we can see them for more than that and start to really get to know them. You said something there that really resonated. You said this goes both ways. So one of the most impactful moments and I'll try to tell this story very briefly, but one of the most impactful moments of my coaching journey was there was a father who had for multiple years built a relationship with me just as around Things outside of the sport, right? I was coaching basketball and it was just like things around my family and shared interests. He showed an interest in me. Right. And he would have conversations, get to know my wife. And so there came a time three years into my coaching of his son that he actually called a meeting and I'm kind of nervous. Like every parent meeting you get called to coaches, get nervous about them to parents. I know the parents get nervous about them as well. Everyone's nervous in these meetings. But he sat me down and he says, Hey man, like. You talk about these things you have these values on the wall. I was a big fan of John Wooden. I used to have like John Wooden posters all over. He says, you said these things are really important and I really believe that you believe in those things and you wanna make a difference in these kids' lives. But what I'm seeing on the sidelines and what my son's telling me, what's going on in the locker rooms as far as the way you're speaking in your language, just isn't consistent with what your values are. And that her. But that was the truth. And I listened and I didn't get defensive. I just said, thank you. Thanks for sharing that. And that's one of the things that put me on this journey to start to be more reflective of my own leadership. So if you can, parents are always wondering, like, when can I give coaches feedback? It's like. Well, do you have a relationship and when you have a relationship, you oftentimes have that permission to do that. So my advice would be right off the bat is like, let's start to see each other as people and build relationships with the person, not just the coach or not just the parent of the athlete, but the person. Yeah. Oh my gosh that's so true. And I can speak as you know, as a parent and a coach, but specifically as a coach, those interactions that I've had with parents that, Have been similar to yours where a parent is bringing something to my attention or wanting to go over something when I have that relationship when they have actually invested, you know in that relationship. It is so much well received and I know that, they want the best for their kid that they have invested in me as a person and there's those conversations go a lot smoother. It's also just how they approach it, too. So we can talk about that. Actually do you find way that parents can approach a coach or begin that conversation to say they are maybe seeing something that like they want to address. First of all, When is it appropriate to address it? You say first, as long as you have a relationship. And how can parents approach coaches in a way that can be productive? Yeah, it's really sometimes it's going to be contextual because every coach is going to be different and they're going to have their maybe like different rules. I, one thing I talk about with coaches is we need to really start with not the conversations that we don't want to have, but the conversations we want to have, when do we want to hear from parents and really be, communicate and open up those lines of communication. And so to flip that, right. If they obviously your child's coach may not be doing that, right. They may not have read my book or I'll be working with me and taking that approach and so just kind of two really powerful conversations would be one is just hey, coach beginning the season. What do you need from us to be successful in your role? Like, what can we do as parents to help you be successful and just be effective as a leader? So what can we help out with, right? Or what type of, how can we help you with our daughter, right? How can we help you effectively coach her. So like. Do you need information from us? Like, so you're just kind of putting out there that you're inviting this partnership, right? We're willing to help you to be successful in your role. And then just kind of the other conversation, if you can find that opportunity or time or an email, it's just introducing yourself. Sharing maybe some of your hopes, your aspirations, not just for your daughter. But for her team, like, you know, what do you want the experience to be like? And just once again, offer, Hey, what it might be, I'd be able to do to help you to be successful in that role, but also just like what's the best way for me to communicate when we have things come up as a family or just when we see things with our daughter, just invite that. Opportunity they may say, Hey like, I don't really want to hear from you, but I think when you take that approach of you're invested as well and the coach's success and you're willing to partner and help them be successful and they're probably more open to hearing like, okay, hey. Yes, I'd love to hear from you. So just asking, Hey, when's it appropriate to communicate and reach out and around what things and when can we do that? So, yeah, those are, I mean, it's great. It seems so simple. It's like introduce yourself, share a little bit, you know ask that question and it doesn't take a lot. And I think that maybe on both sides, there's a little bit of. Depending, like you said, on the coach and kind of the nuances of their personality, their coaching style, how long they've been coaching, all of that. You know, sometimes there is this kind of like I don't know, like who do I talk to them? Do they talk to me? Like who goes first type of thing. And so I would encourage parents to speaking from a coach, like just be the one to introduce, to say, hi as a coach, I try and create opportunities for parents to do that. And like, but not all coaches do, like you said. And so. You know, I think just taking that first step, like, really goes a long way. And you said something about kind of when we were chatting offline a little bit about, like, supporting the teen culture. And so what is the best way for parents to help support that teen culture? Or what role do they play in the teen culture? Do they play a role? And how can they support? Yeah, there's a lot of that could be dictated by the coach, right? what, involvement, but what I've seen is I've had even us to coach that I worked with, he took it a proactive approach as a parent. And the coach was clearly not going to organize any sort of team bonding or activities like that but his son's under 14 Socrates, he reached out to all the parents and said, Hey, I think it'd be great if we got all the boys to go to the movies this weekend we're playing here at this time and let's go meet up here and then let's all the kids go to the movies you know, who wants to join us for a few drinks and some dinner. And so what he's doing there is he's trying to create opportunities for the players to connect and also for the parents to get together and share some food and stuff like that and build those relationships. So just. The more that you can organize some sort of activities where you get to bring the whole families to get together and you get to know other kids and you get to know other parents, it helps. the people to actually want to cheer for each other, like to build that team and connectedness and culture. Because if we don't know each other, if I don't know the other kids, or I don't know the other kids parents, then it's going to be a little tough for me to be really in that place where I can just be about them. If I don't have that relationship, it's just going to be very much focused on my own son or daughter. So that would be just the simplest, most easy way to do it is just a great opportunities for the team and the parents to get together and connect. Yeah, that really goes a long way. And sometimes I know it's hard. It's like, do I want one more thing on my plate? Like who's going to step up and do this? But I mean, it really does like doing that, especially early in the season can be super beneficial. Okay, in our program, we obviously work with parents and. I think the coach dynamic is actually one of the number one things that I get questions about. So I'm going to let you answer these questions that I get. How about that? I'm just going to toss them over to you. Okay. So what I hear sometimes is parents who are saying, I don't agree at all with the coaching style of my daughter's coach. Like, I do not like how they coach. My daughter doesn't like it. What do I do? Yeah, there's a real dilemma in that and as a parent as well that has kids going through sports, there are certain times where I'm going, Hmm, I'm not a big fan of this. What I see is this, is first off, if it's not like emotionally abusive, right, I have to say they're going to have teachers and they're going to have bosses in life that they don't like. So where's the opportunity for growth in this? and that there is an opportunity. So is it learning to deal with leaders, coaches, managers that you don't like? Now, if you're picking where you want to go to school, play college basketball, or where you want to go to high school if you have that options, where you want to play club sports, and you're committing to a two, three, four year relationship with this coach. Then, you know, and you make the wrong choice and you have the opportunity to leave. I don't think there's anything wrong with saying, we're going to go someplace else, but you got to also recognize that, no coach is going to be perfect. Are you just going to be jumping from coach to coach, you know, looking for something that just is the perfect fit for you. Right. So and maybe you won't ever find that perfect fit. I don't know what your standards are, but so I'd say when it comes to like, something that's not like an, an emotionally abusive thing, I would say, or just like really that type of a coach opportunity. Now, if it crosses into, as I talk about my newest book, the sports parent solution, if it crosses that boundary of like, this is yelling, this is demeaning, this is really affecting, you know, creating anxiety for my son or daughter, then you have to be able give it more thought, you know, and I think that there's a lot of opportunities where you can obviously try to challenge the coach, give them feedback, work with the administration. But I think as an athlete who struggled with this and I suffered from a high school coach who two years after I left was removed because of the things that he was doing to us in the locker room that have still lasting effects on many of us with just as emotional and sometimes even crossing that physical line. What I know in those is that there's a level of like stress that we can endure where it's not traumatic, it's building resilience. And so just like big scenario, like if you take someone in the military that's trained to be out there and they're in a war scene, like it's less traumatic than if you throw a child at that thing. Right. Like, so it's just right. Stress. So how well are we able to cope with the stress that is in that environment? you're going to be in environments and sports that are a little bit more highly triggered, highly emotional. And if it is traumatic, if it is causing severe, like mental health stuff, you as a parent should know, like, where is my child in this? Can they grow resilience through this stress? Or is this going to set them back? And I think that's where the parent has to make the call. We're trying to equip our kids to deal with difficult people, deal with difficult leaders in life. And so we don't want to remove them and save them from any all adversity and challenges at the same time. We don't want to be feeding them and putting them in these situations where they're going to drown. Right. So it's just trying to find that right type of adversity at times. So you would have to be, it's kind of a little nuanced. Totally. Yeah. But I think you hit it on the head. Right. And as parents, we kind of have that sense too of what our kids can handle. If this is like pushing them out of their comfort zone in a good way, that's going to actually help. And if that's actually going to be detrimental. So I love that. Now I get this question a lot too around like I get various scenarios and, I kind of all bucket them in the same thing. And it's my daughter was playing and now she's not and this girl that's playing over her is not as good or like my daughter's coach clearly has favorites and this is happening and that's happening and, you know, just get gets in the weeds of like, oh my gosh. So, I'm always like, just go talk. Go talk to the coach because I, as a coach would be like, I would want to know what's going on. I can't read your mind, and maybe I'm not being as clear as I could have been about decisions, but it seems like there's like some sort of barrier, like where that's, it's not happening. So from your perspective, what's the best way to approach a coach if there is a situation of playing time, of perceived favoritism, something happened in practice, athletes confused and thinks one thing. When is it appropriate for the parent just to go straight to the coach or should there always be the athlete? It's such a complex situation that has a lot of variety of factors into it. It is your age, you know, what, what level are we in a, where we should be equal playing time because it's development or are we competing, right? If a coach's job is in the line, you need to take that into account. Like if he doesn't win or she doesn't win for a certain period of time and they lose their job. Well, they're going to make decisions that are going to. Probably be about winning at times. Okay. And so we could disagree with them, but the reality is they're probably from their assessment and our coaches coaching staff's assessment, they're making decisions about what it takes to win. Now, there's so many things that coaches don't do a good job in this. So coaches, first off, fail to be really transparent with athletes. Oftentimes we sugarcoat it. We don't tell them until right before the game that becomes very difficult. It becomes an emotional trigger for the athlete. Like all of a sudden, I don't even know why I'm benched. I'm just not playing. So I work so much with coaches around radical transparency, lots of communication, communicating as early as possible and explaining why are we making decisions? And one of the things that I say as a coach, and I encourage my coaches to say is, Hey, get it. You're not going to all agree with me on my decision to playing time. But I do want you to understand why I'm making these decisions, right? So you don't have to agree with me, but want you to understand. And so if you don't understand, please come talk to me. That's for parents and athletes. Because the last thing I want as a coach is a parent that's sitting there stewing in anger and bad mouthing me to the player or to the parents or going to the administrator. I just want to have a conversation about it so we can get on the same page playing time is very difficult because it is not like school. A teacher can give as many A's as they want. Coaches have only so much playing time. And so they have to make really hard decisions. As a coach, I'm going to make mistakes in my decisions around playing time. I know that every coach is gonna make mistakes, so we're not perfect. Right. But I think coaches do give it a lot more thought than parents sometimes maybe even realize it. We obviously as parents and as athletes, we kind of like see oftentimes ourselves at our best. We see our potential. And we see what the coach doesn't see, right? We see them and so many, but so often I think one of the hard things too is for parents is your daughter. Or your son go from middle school to high school or they go from high school to college and biggest level, they were the best player and all of a sudden that a talent pool is way more competitive. So it's a lot more difficult. So my encouragement for parents is just to have, first off, remember that, you know, the coaches are going to make mistakes. The playing time thing is difficult. If you can go and say, encourage your son or daughter to have those conversations. The reality is I'm just going to be honest with you. Some coaches just aren't good at it. They're just not good at communicating the playing time. A lot of coaches have a lot of anxiety around having hard, honest conversations because they recognize that players, but so much of value and how much they play and so much of their experience relies upon their playing time. what I'm really always trying to challenge coaches to challenge athletes is okay. Outside of playing time, what would make this a positive experience for you? Because we have to help our young people to find value and self worth. beyond the minutes they play and the points they score. And we have to help them find. Value and just being a member of a team, and it's not always providing value by being on the court or being on the field and scoring the points or playing lots of minutes. There's something still beautiful about just being part of a team and getting in practice and making other people better and working yourself. And I think we're losing a little bit of side of that. So can we help our son or daughter do that? It's tough, especially when we're investing all this money so often in our kids athletic careers. And I know we're driving, we're doing all these things for them, you know? Yeah, totally. And I agree with you. It is very nuanced. And I think knowing what the expectations are of the team and what's been communicated as far as playing time and the level and the age, like all of that plays into it a lot. But yeah, you're right. It's a tough one and coaches. I agree with you both ways. Like they have to make tough decisions when it comes to playing time. And also it's hard and they make wrong decisions and they're human and those conversations are tough. I'm even thinking like reflecting right now, like, oh my gosh, I was not super clear this week on why this, as you were talking, I'm like, I need to talk to her before practice and make sure like she understands. So thank you for that reminder. But not all coaches are like that. And so as parents, we just have to see also, I think, recognize like, what is your daughter's coach's strength? And, you know, maybe it's not a strong communicator. And that's where we tell parents that and we teach athletes to advocate and just ask a question that's like, can you help me understand? You know, this happened. I played in the first set. I didn't play in the second. I wasn't really sure why. Can you just help me understand if there was something that I did that I can be improving on and just like equipping with some sentence starters around that too depending on the age of the kid is really powerful as well. Yeah, a few things too I think that players and also parents get wrong sometimes. And because his coaches don't communicate as well as we go to the coach and say, okay, what do I got to do to play? And it's like, okay, well, here's some things you can do to increase your chances, but we forget that there's a player in front of you that is already better than you, or the coach thinks is better or playing better. And they have a vote as well. Like they can be working hard too. And so you can go your son or daughter could do all the things that they need to do, or the coach asked them to do. It's still not play more because the reality is a player in front of them, the gap may be too big, or they're still improving just as much. And so that's something that we don't do a great job of communicating as coaches. We say, Oh yeah, you gotta do this, this, this, the kid does it. It's like, well, why am I still not playing? It's like, well, because they're still playing better than you. And that's just a really, it's really hard because we have these things where these rules, like we're not going to talk about other kids, but the reality is if you're not playing, there's. However, many players in front of you that we do think they are better players than you. we think that that group is going to give us a better chance to win. That's more so that right at the end of the day, I still value and care about you, but how are we showing that as coaches? Right. And so that's why, you know, I know you're into the player improvement plans, player development plans. Like I'm such a big advocate of that for coaches is because. Sitting down and documenting what the goals for each athlete and what they're doing to work on them and how we're supporting them and their role helps to get things clear, but also just show that consistently. I don't care if you're the top of the lineup or the bottom lineup, we're going to have one on ones with you and we're going to help you get better throughout the entire season. So coaches have to do a better job of supporting players and showing them that they care about them, regardless of how many minutes they are. And that's something that coaches can definitely get better at. But yeah, just a few reminders for coaches and parents. Yeah, totally. And that's I think part of the player improvement plan or there's part of it that we do as well as role clarity to, you know, in line, just being really clear about what their role is on the team. I mean, that's huge for athletes to make sure they know exactly what their role is. And if your athletes coach has not communicated that, that would be a great question to ask too. Like just what is my role on my team? And what are the expectations attached to that role? Because. Coaches, I mean, even if they haven't like assigned, like, this is what your role, they likely have it in their head of like, well, you're starting, you're obviously a backup because you're not, you know but challenging them a little bit. I wouldn't say challenging, but just like bringing it to their attention and their awareness that communicating that role is so important for an athlete, just for that clarity. Yeah, absolutely. and I just, those one on ones having to be able to document that is huge. And one thing we also do with coaches is I oftentimes, anytimes there's a big lineup shift or before the start of the year, or different times like that, when they actually send out Google forms, they say, Hey, How many minutes do you anticipate playing and say the first half of a game or, you know, for, let's say, let's say for a basketball game or a soccer game tomorrow. And what did you see as your role? And then the coach can scan through the responses and go, Oh, wait, she thinks she's going to play like. 20 and I'll actually got to play in like five. I need to go have a conversation because I have failed to communicate this. And so that's really trying to help the athletes kind of like be more settled and regulated when they come into just giving them an opportunity to work through that, because it is painful for an athlete just sitting there and going, I thought I was going to get to play today. And I'm just sitting here and I'm not knowing what's going on. That's really difficult for them. You know? Yeah, yeah, awesome. Well, I know we've got to wrap this up. But one other thing that I just because I know there's coaches listening to like the player improvement plans this year when we did them, sharing them with the parents. I mean, was awesome because every year. I do, you know, one on one meetings, we have regular standing meetings throughout the whole meeting, the whole year, whatever. And I just always assume that my athletes are sharing with their parents what I'm telling them, you know, like, What their role is, where I see them and all this, they aren't doing that. So like actually sharing that with parents. I mean, so coaches that are listening, like it just being on the same page from the beginning of the year and be like, this is my evaluation of your athlete. This is what her role is, you know, like really great. I got great feedback from parents. Doing that just a little, little thing different. Yeah. And what I always encourage coaches to do after that is to send a quick text, you know, or an email to the parent and just say, Hey, you just had a one on one with your daughter. This is what I love coaching. This is why I love coaching her. This is what I really appreciate about her. This is something she's been doing really well, you know, and just sharing that. We love that individual feedback as parents, right. But flip that. Right. If there's just opportunities where you see a coach, you know, stay calm with the kids through a tough loss, or if they've done something to support their daughter or child and that just shows they care, just quick text and coach appreciate that. I think parents are afraid to give coaches that affirmation because they want to be seen as a suck up and stuff like that. But coaches really do appreciate it. it's honest, it's genuine and if it's specific don't just say, Hey, great job coach. What is it specifically about the coaching that you appreciate it. And this is one of the things that I wrote an article out years ago, which was actual, the things that I don't want to hear after a game is good job coach, especially after when, because it created a lot of pressure and anxiety because like, well, what happens when we lose, you know, and then I would walk out after a locker room and the kids would be staying around their parents and it'd be like. Well, we lost and nobody's saying good job now, right? What I always wanted to hear was just thank you. Just thank you. Just thank you for this or thank you for that or well done on this, you know, like whatever it was. So if we can give coaches specific what we call affirmations, which is specific behaviors are demonstrating that we want to continue to see more in our coaches The more we can do that, the better. That was a great nugget to end on because it is so true as a coach. It's like just hearing that thing. sometimes can be a thankless job and spending hours and hours away from my two little ones and my husband, you know, it's like. Gosh, does anyone notice this? And just having those parents that are like, Hey, we see you, we know what it's like. And thank you for coaching our kids. Like seriously, like gives me, gives me life. So my kids will not leave the field until they say, thank you. And we will get in the car and I'll say, did you say thank you? No, I forgot. Get back out of the car and we'll do it. And it's just now it's becoming great, but that's something I've worked really hard at because I know what it's like, right? Like, I'm, I was just like yourself, right? So, yeah, yeah. Well, thank you, JP. We've hit on a couple of your resources throughout this episode, but can you just give us a quick, like, recap of where our listeners can find more about you? You've got a book coming out, I think on the day that this releases, it comes out today. So yeah, just give us all the details. Yeah, my newest book's called The Sports Parent Solution. It's all about proven strategies to transform parents from obstacles to allies. So it's about really changing that dynamic of the relationship and focusing on building a partnership. It's specifically geared towards coaches, but there's definitely value in parents reading the book for sure. And like just in our conversation today, you'll be able to flip some of those strategies. The other thing I'd say is just go to my website, to see culture. com Instagram. Is T. O. C. Culture and then Twitter is at J. P. Nervin. That's N. E. R. B. U. N. And you have a phenomenal podcast as well. So I know they can find that in all of those places. But yes, thank you. Thank you for your work in this area. And thank you so much for coming on and sharing these just really transformative strategies for our parents. Yeah. Thanks for the work you do with young women and their mothers. That's phenomenal.