How to Talk So Your Teen Athlete Listens With Parent Coach Jeanine Mouchawar

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Welcome back to the racing. And my competitors podcast, I'm coach Bree, a mental performance coach for girl athletes. And I am thrilled that you're here. No matter where you are in your sports parenting journey. If you're just getting started with a young athlete or you have a lot of seasons under your belt, this podcast is for you. To help, you know, how to raise a confident self-assured and mentally strong athlete. Today's episode is when the, I am excited about, we were talking all about how to talk so that your teen listens and Janine Wire is going to be the expert on this topic that I have brought in because she is. A phenomenal life coach for parents of teenagers. Janine helps make parenting easier by teaching new approaches that stop the battles and create a calm. Peaceful home. Her approach helps parents to stop feeling at a loss and start knowing what to do to feel close. Again, parents reduce their worry and frustration and enjoy these years with their teens. Isn't that? What it's all about. Andrew, specifically going to go into. This scenario where your athlete might be. Disappointed, super hard on herself. Maybe circling with some perfectionism, especially in those moments. After about a performance or a tough game. This is one of the questions I get a lot from parents in our community. It's just, how do I support her in stop being so hard on herself. After she's had a bad performance. What do I say? How do I get her to move past it without pushing her away? So I actually throw this scenario over to Janine and she gives us some really tangible tips to work through it. Now, before we get into this episode with Janine, I do want to give a shout out to a mom in our community that posted this inside our group of parents who are all going through the elite mental game, which is our signature Menta training program for. Girl athletes and their moms. So, this is what one of our parents posted inside our group. She said a few weeks back, my daughter was in a tournament and our first game, she played quite terribly. When we debriefed after it, it turned out she got frustrated because the teammate took a corner kick. That my daughter had been told to take. She knew it shouldn't have, but it messed her up for the rest of the game. We talked about using her snapback routine and not letting someone else affect her in the moment performance, but also her future. Fast forward two games later in the tournament, the exact same thing happens. My daughter is going to kick a corner kick and the other player comes in to take it. Instead. My daughter looks over at me and frustration, and then I see her doing the snapback routine. Literally seconds later, the coroner kit comes in and my daughter scores a goal off of it. It was amazing to see that something that I've been a point of frustration and jacked up an entire game for her when put her in the right mind, became a success and a winning opportunity. This is pretty cool. It gives me goosebumps. So the snapback routine is a mistake recovery method that we teach athletes inside the elite mental game. So it's one of the very first things that they learn. It's a very tangible tool that they can use in these moments to come back and not get rattled. When something happens, a ref makes a bad call. Something happens from a teammate that they don't expect. They make a mistake. It's just one of those things that athletes are going to face all the time. So, pretty cool to see that this was working and that, you know, that that comparison of those two games is awesome. All right. Let's get into this episode with Janine talking all about how to talk so that your teen listens. I can't wait for you to listen to this one. And I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed interviewing Janine.

Breanne Webinar: 3:17

I welcome Janine to the Raising Elite Competitors podcast.

Jeanine: 3:21

Well, thanks for having me, Brie. I'm happy to be here.

Breanne Webinar: 3:25

Yeah, I'm very excited for our conversation because you have some valuable insight into this whole parenting world. So, and we're going to talk specifically about how to help our kids navigate some of these difficult situations that they get in as they're going through their athletic experience. But let's be honest, Not just in athletics, but in life, so excited to dive in. But before we do, can you share a little bit about who you are and what you do? Of

Jeanine: 3:53

course. Yeah. And again, thanks for having me. I'm Janine Mouchoir, and I am a life coach for parents of teenagers. You're in the perfect spot and then the perfect spot. I have three kids of my own who are now young adults. And basically I, you know, ended up becoming a life coach because when we, life went pretty smooth for the early years and I felt like, Oh, I got this parenting thing, like this is working and I'm doing a pretty good job. And then we hit the teen years, and I felt like I didn't know what I was doing anymore like I felt like I don't know what to say I don't know what to do, whatever I'm doing just seems to cause more of a battle more of a conflict, more tension. And I just really wanted that connection with my kids. And I wanted like a calm, peaceful home. And I wanted to make sure that how I was parenting was from a place where I'm helping them really thrive and build self confidence. And I felt like none of that was happening. And I thought, okay, I need to find a new approach. And try some different things and, and try to find something hopefully that works. So I did go to a parenting program with my middle child who I was having the hardest time with communicating with him and connecting with him. And so I combine what I learned there with kind of the life coach principles and philosophies and strategies. And then my experience of raising three really different kids. And that's, You know, basically what I do today is help parents in similar situations. I mean, I had my oldest is a daughter. She actually played tennis all four years and did some outside tennis coaching as well. She thought she wanted to, you know, play in college. And she was a kid who was super driven, very hard on herself consequently felt a lot of, a lot of pressure on herself and had anxiety. My middle son tried a bunch of different sports in high school and he was diagnosed with ADD at a young age. And so that just for those parents and your listeners out here who have a child with ADD, those are different parenting challenges that we face and how to navigate communicating with them, connecting with them and helping them with regulating their emotions, which can be challenging for a child with ADD. And then my third son, he played soccer all through high school and football and just loved sports. And I think one of the real challenges with him, I just, he loved to video game and I'd always look over and think, why are you, you know, you're so lazy, stop doing that. Like do something productive. All those thoughts would go through my head. Inappropriate things would come out of my mouth. We'd get into a fight and I thought, huh, there's gotta be a better way. So yeah, I learned this new approach and it really worked with my three kids and I just thought I really want to share this with as many parents as possible. We should all have access to this information, which just isn't readily available.

Breanne Webinar: 7:12

Mm hmm. Yeah, for sure. I mean, how how important the work that you're doing. We were just chatting offline about how my kids are young and I'm like, physically exhausted, but I've heard, you know, from moms in our community. And then I see it to working with a lot of teens that raising teens is emotionally and mentally taxing and exhausting. So Yeah, you're

Jeanine: 7:35

doing good work. Oh, thanks. Oh, I love it. And it's just fun and so rewarding to see, you know, parents just come, some come to me who are happy and they just want to kind of tee up the high school years for success. But then there's others who come who are really struggling and it's just either way, it's. Very rewarding to see them transform their relationship with their kids to something more in line with what they thought it would be when they decided to be a parent.

Breanne Webinar: 8:05

Yeah, yeah, so important. And so one of those things I really want to talk about today is specifically talking so that your teen will listen because when we have moms come into our community, something that I hear a lot about, and athletics, we always say athletics are like a breeding ground for the lessons you learn in life, and so one of the things that I hear a lot is you know, she's disappointed. She's kind of like what you're saying about your older daughter. Like she's beating herself up and she's coming off. She had a bad game and she just won't stop focusing on that negative thing. And as mom, I'm here trying to help and you know, I'm saying good things and I'm trying to tell her like, you're actually not that bad or remember all the good things you did. And she's just not listening. She's shutting down. And then it turns into like this car ride. That's. It's really tension filled, and then it turns into like dinner, everybody's mad, and it just like impacts the whole mood of the house. So while you know, this comes out in non athletic settings, I think that when our kids are competing in sports, there's just a lot of opportunity for these conversations, these tough conversations, and they don't always go well. So can you walk us through how we can have a better approach in these situations where we want our kids to listen to us, but they're,

Jeanine: 9:23

they're not. Yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. You know, it's tough because when we see our child beating themselves up, it triggers us emotionally, right? And we see our child as with all their potential and everything that they can be. And so when they come in the car after a game and maybe she's saying like, Oh, I was terrible. I was, you know, so bad and just beating themselves up like that. It's just inevitable that we feel triggered. And naturally what we do is we, we want to try to help them feel better. And the approach that most of us take is to tell them why they're wrong. Yeah. No, honey, you are amazing. And that was just one bad game and you're so talented and you're athletic and, or, you know, it'll be better next time or right. We're coming from such like a heart centered, beautiful place. But as you described that. response or approach to them ends up backfiring on us. And they end up saying like, you don't get it. You don't understand. aNd just to realize, okay, wait, that approach is not working. And so what Should I do where my daughter will actually feel better. And so what I would just offer is first to understand that what she's really looking for is connection from you. She really wants to feel like you understand her. And that you get her, you get that, that makes perfect sense. You know what she's feeling makes sense to you that there's nothing wrong with her for feeling that way. The first way, how I described how most of us show up. When we're telling her that she, a version of you're wrong for thinking that then it leaves her doubting her own judgment of herself. But you know, like, but wait, but I feel really crappy inside. Like, what do you mean? I shouldn't feel this way. So we want to get on their side, get on there, you know, that you're on the same team. It's like you and your daughter against the problem. So where you're really connecting with her and feel let helping her feel less alone in her big feelings of not good enough, not athletic enough, right? I, I, I didn't do a good enough job. I, I let down my team, any sort of this negative self talk. We want to just slow down and realize that she needs us to almost sit in that with her. So she feels less alone in those feelings versus as a mom trying to make her not feel that way anymore. Yeah.

Breanne Webinar: 12:29

Oh, that's so important. And one thing that, because we, we often use that approach when we're in our program as well with moms, and something that I hear a lot, and maybe you do too, is that, well, if I do that, will she just think that I'm agreeing with her? That, like, she is the worst one? Or, you know, shouldn't I agree? Counter that because if not, she'll just think that I also agree that she's

Jeanine: 12:54

terrible. Yeah, you know, honestly, it feels a little counterintuitive because we weren't raised this way. So I'm not saying that you are agreeing with what she is saying about herself. I am not saying that what I am saying is she needs you to agree with the emotions that she's feeling inside, right? So that might sound something like, Hey, it makes sense that you'd be really disappointed right now. Given the fact you missed that shot. So you're, you're not, you're not agreeing with her beating herself up. You're just merely you're, you're connecting with her over whatever emotion she's feeling. Yeah. Right. So it might be like, Hey, of course you were embarrassed when, you know, The goal of the game you ended, you know, you ended up missing and then that your team lost like that makes perfect sense that you might feel embarrassed about that. Like anybody in your situation would feel embarrassed about that. So you're connecting with her over these big heavy feelings that are going on inside versus you're not agreeing like, yeah, you really do suck. Right. How could you miss that? Right. We're not getting in the pot with the circumstance or the situation, but we are like getting in the pot or in the weeds with her around how she's feeling. And You know, that might feel counterintuitive, but there's research out there that tells you that quickest way to help your child move through these emotions of a failure or disappointment or humiliation or embarrassment is to, is to connect with her over them. So she feels less alone in those emotions. So she doesn't feel like anything's wrong with her for feeling that way. So when you help her move through that and connect with her on that, it enables her to let the emotion go through her and out of her so that she can then like have a mental reset and you can move on to, okay, like that's what happened. And you know, then maybe the conversation moves into, well, what are some ideas of what you might want to do differently if you're in that situation in the next game. But if we don't start with that validation of their feelings and connecting with them, so she feels less alone, it's impossible for her to get out of it and start thinking strategically on, well, what do I want to do differently? So it doesn't happen again.

Breanne Webinar: 15:44

Yeah. That makes a lot of sense. So it's kind of with a clear mind you know, conversation can be a lot more productive. So that's great. So first step. If I were to recap that is validate the emotion, the experience that she is having, okay, so kind of let her know like you're not alone. I hear you. This makes sense. Then. We get to give all of our advice, right?

Jeanine: 16:10

When do we get to give the advice? I know. Yeah, no, I know like, so actually this is actually what I just described was actually the fourth step in a five step process that I teach. and really it what's, I guess, the reason it's the fourth step is that, and tell me if this resonates with your listeners, but most of us moms, when we see our child is beating themselves up or disappointed or humility, humiliated or embarrassed, we get emotionally triggered. Yeah. We start feeling like, yeah, right. Like, Oh God, I don't like. I don't want my child to feel that. And we start worrying and we start maybe getting some stress built up in ourselves. And it's when you, if, if this resonates at all, like, Oh yeah, that happens to me. Think about what we naturally do in that situation. If we're flooded with emotions that don't feel good. We can't, it's hard to resist the urge. Like we want to get rid of those emotions. And so the way we think. to get rid of them is to start telling our child what they need to do, or what they should do, or offering our advice or telling them why they're wrong. And so the first step is really to check in with yourself and say, okay, boy, am I feeling triggered right now? I'd like see my daughter. I, I can tell she's beating herself up. She's saying all these things that are scaring me and I'm noticing my mind fast forward as to like, Oh my gosh, what if she never feels good about herself? And all of a sudden I'm flooded with emotions. And so the first step is really just to notice if you're getting triggered by how what's going on with your daughter and to take a moment and to settle your own emotions and feelings. Okay.

Breanne Webinar: 18:10

I think that's Such an important step because also you know, I hear from moms that are like, I'm in the stands and I see. You know, even just taking a step back. This is like before we get in the car, you know, but you're watching watching your daughter and maybe she's making a mistake. And it's kind of like, Oh, what are all the other parents thinking? And, you know, mine goes to like, what does this look like to other people? And how do I respond for in the stands? All of those things. So I don't know. Can you speak to that and that

Jeanine: 18:46

experience? Yeah, of course. I have been there a hundred percent. I think that's just so natural, right? We see our child and they make a mistake and not only does our heart go out to them, but yeah, it's when they're on a team. It would be natural for us to feel self conscious as well, knowing that other parents might be disappointed that our child made the mistake as well. And so this is really tough on parents of athletes, because it requires us to be really grounded. in our own like self and experience and really to try your best to tune out and shut off that voice inside of your head of what's everybody else saying right now. Yeah. And that that's not easy to do. There are like strategies to help. Redirect your own thoughts and calm yourself that if we have time I can share we could do it in another podcast. But really, what the main takeaway here is just to first just recognize like, oh gosh, I can hear that narrative going on in my mind. I'm worried about my daughter I'm worried what all the parents around me are thinking, and just to tell yourself like, yeah, okay, well that makes perfect sense that I'm. curious about those things. And I'm worrying, but that really doesn't serve me or my daughter. And my priority is just to take all of my energy to help and support my child and just to quiet down that voice in your head that's worried about what's going on all around you. Because, you know, in your heart of hearts that your child is Doing the best they can. Yeah. Right. They're showing up there and they're giving it their all and they're trying their best and to realize like that's good enough. Yeah. Right. And we're not going to be perfect every time. And we're not going to, you know, every time we've got a shot on goal, it's not going to go in and that that's okay.

Breanne Webinar: 20:54

Yeah. Yeah, that's so good. A lot of this whole, you know, what do I say to my child? How do I navigate this? Like, okay, well, it starts with us and our awareness of what's going on. And yeah, you're, you're coming into our, our sports bonds in our circle group. So the moms are the athletes who are going through our program. And so I think that would be a really good topic to deep dive into, like, you know, how, how to manage our own emotions. And also something I've been hearing a little bit is. When other parents are maybe like jealous or, you know, just kind of like all of those things that happen in the sports parenting world. So,

Jeanine: 21:34

yeah, it's tough, you know, it's tough to kind of keep those blinders on. But one thing that I always offer my clients is that when you, when you're feeling emotionally triggered or like in that moment where you're having a tough time keeping the blinders on, just like take a deep breath and zoom out. And remember, like, okay, what is my number one priority here? And, you know, for most moms, it's, it's to help your child thrive, right. And be happy and be the best that they can be and reach their potential while still being happy and thriving. And so, you know, if you can pull back on that and just reset your thoughts to, okay, wait, that's really what's most important to me. And I'm going to focus on that in this moment. Like my relationship is not with. You know, Susie, who's sitting next to me, who I can hear under her breath is pissed off that my kid missed that shot. Right. Right. My long term relationship is with my girl who's out there on the field. And so I'm going to take my energy and settle my own emotions so I can be there for her. If when she needs

Breanne Webinar: 22:48

me, Oh, such a good reminder. Okay. So we've got, you know, being aware of our own emotions, kind of first step, calming ourselves. And then we've got you know, the fourth of validating the feelings I might've missed two and three.

Jeanine: 23:05

You didn't miss them. We, we, we kind of, yeah, we're kind of skipping around. Steps two and three. So what I noticed with myself and I noticed with a lot of my clients is that we naturally, when we're going to talk to our team is when we talk too much. So saying less is more. And also out of, you know, again, from a place of a beautiful intention, we tend to layer some maybe sarcasm or judgment, or this is the right way or the wrong way. When we go to start talking to them. So what steps two and three are steps two is about when you go to approach your team, like to make sure or to have a conversation where you're just stating your observation. So that might sound something like, you know, wow, you thought Jane was going to pass to you and she did it. Right. Not like, how could Jane not pass to you? Or we're taking, we're taking that layer of outrage or I think I remember feeling like, oh, well, this is how I'm going to connect to my child is like, right. And I thought that was the right way to like get in the pool with them. And, and the problem and what I'm offering is that you will have a more productive conversation with less tension when you just state your observation with as few as words possible, simply and clearly. So that, right, that might be something like, Hey, I, you know, I, I, I saw you miss the goal. I just, you're just trying to get a conversation going where they feel safe to talk to you and to let their feelings out. Right? Because remember, we're aiming for that fourth step of really being compassionate and empathetic. And helping them clear out their emotions so we can get them there when we start the conversation with just our simple observation, followed by step three, a curious question, like, you know, what do you think about that. What happened. Yeah. What are your thoughts on that? Right? Something very vague, knowing that the goal here is we're trying to get them to feel comfortable talking to us about what happened and we're trying to get an understanding of what feeling is going on inside of them so we can help them in step four, feel less alone in that feeling. Okay. And when you take those, that, that approach of those four steps, you will notice that there's so much less like tension between you. Like she's not going to respond. You don't get it or you're wrong because you're not. You're not offering, you know words that are telling her that she's wrong. You're really just creating a safe space for her to open up and share, like, what were you thinking in that moment? Like how did that feel, you know, were you angry that they didn't pass the ball to you when you were open? Yeah. I mean, I bet you were like anybody in that situation would have been angry.

Breanne Webinar: 26:34

Yeah. Yeah. That's great. So to recap the steps, just to make sure that I can apply these ones, be aware of you know, how you're personally feeling in that moment to restate just in simple words, like just stating the facts. I love that you're not adding anything. It's just, this is just what it is. Nope. Ask a curious question and then validate the emotion and the experience.

Jeanine: 27:00

Yeah. Yeah. And I would just offer one other thing. When you go to ask the curious question, try not to use the word why. Oh, okay. Yeah. Like why'd you do that? Why'd that happen? Why tends to put our teams and most people on the defensive. But if you ask that curious question, starting with what? Just that one thing alone will tee you up for a much more successful conversation.

Breanne Webinar: 27:29

Yeah. Oh yeah. That's great.

Jeanine: 27:32

Yeah. Like what happened or what, what's going on or, you know, what's your thought about that versus, versus a why question, right? So yeah, it's that noticing when you're feeling triggered, getting calm, like think about, I know we don't have the time here, but think about strategies that you do right now to calm yourself. You know, maybe it's deep breathing, you know, maybe it's taking a lap around the stadium, right? Like think about what works for you and, and dive into that for the, you know, the few minutes that you have available. And then in step two, you just state your observations almost like you were a stranger completely detached, just noticing, Hey, I noticed X, Y, Z. That's it. Or boy, you really wish you'd made that goal. So that's that step two, step three, curious question within what, and then step four is like helping them feel less alone in whatever big feelings are going on and, and really leading with your heart and being compassionate and connecting over the feelings versus trying to change what they're thinking about themselves that will happen. When you connect with them about their feelings. Yeah. That's so

Breanne Webinar: 28:54

great. And what a relief to have, you know, just some steps to, to lean back on when you're like, I don't know what to do in this situation.

Jeanine: 29:02

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And it's a different approach. Like I wasn't ever aware of that. And the first thing I learned was that step to just describe what you're seeing. And that alone brain really was. A game changer, because it took all like the sarcasm out of whatever I was saying, or the sneaky little judgment, or, you know, the little adjectives you kind of are throwing in that have sometimes a negative overtone. So just that alone like it, for me, it wasn't my son. It wasn't a sports issue. It was more academic stuff. So it was like, Hey, I noticed you got a D on the test. What happened versus old me would have been like, I looked on your report card and you know, you're missing assignments. And why did you do that? And you're making life so much harder, you know, how most of us respond. Yeah. But this technique really took a lot of the conflict out between the two of us. Yeah. And if it works for me and my clients, it'll work for your listeners as well.

Breanne Webinar: 30:11

Yeah. Absolutely. Well, wow. This has been really good. Janine and I can't wait for you to share more in our group with moms because I know there's just so many things that we could go deeper into. Will you share with our listeners where they can find more about you and where they can

Jeanine: 30:27

follow you? Oh, absolutely. Thank you. Yeah, I am on Instagram at Janine Mouchoir coaching. So it's J E A N I N E M O U C H A W A R. It's a mouthful. You can go to my website, Janine Mouchoir. com but yeah, I'm on Instagram and Facebook. Yeah, that's where you can find me all those fun places. Yeah, we'll

Breanne Webinar: 30:53

make sure to link all those below too. So, okay. Yes. Thank you again. And thanks for, for giving us those four steps as a framework that we can use as we're interacting with our teens. I really, really appreciate it. You're

Jeanine: 31:06

welcome. Thank you for letting me share with all your listeners and I look forward to coaching in your group. We'll have a lot of fun and do a deep dive on any one of the four steps. Yeah. Yeah. Looking forward to

Breanne Webinar: 31:17

it.