The Role of Fun in Competitive Sports w/ Mental Skills Coach Julia Allain

Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome back to the raising elite competitors podcast. I'm coach Breet, a mental performance coach for girl athletes, and I'm thrilled that you are here. No matter where you are in your sports parenting journey if you're just getting started with a young athlete or you have a lot of seasons under your belt, this podcast is for you to help you know how to raise a confident, mentally strong athlete. So let's get into it. Today, I had the pleasure of sitting down with mental skills coach and author, julia Elaine, and we talked all about the role of fun when it comes to competitive sports, and not just fun, but enjoyment. Where's the balance? Can athletes have high goals and be competitive and still maintain this element of fun and enjoyment? Are they mutually exclusive or not? Julia is, like I said, a mental skills coach, an author, a teacher and a former division one athlete. She's the founder of Elaine mental performance and she works with collegiate and high school athletes by helping them perform at their very best and preparing them for the next level through strengthening aspects of their game such as communication, confidence, self-talk, focus, execution. Her debut book, which we talk about in the episode, is called Everything I Got, where she highlights the lessons she has learned throughout her athletic experiences and research on identity, emotions, school setting, and it became an Amazon bestseller in women's sports and was the number one new release in sports psychology, which is pretty cool. So inside our episode we talk a lot, like I said, about fun and enjoyment and where that falls in the context of competitive sports. She also highlights the three things that athletes should be playing for and what they actually shouldn't be playing for, and also we talked about the teenage brain and how fickle it can be and also just how to navigate all of the ups and the downs that come with parenting a teen or a tween athlete. So really excited for you to dive into this episode. I know that you're going to gain a lot from our conversation. Quickly, before we do, I do need to give a shout out to a mom in our community. I was so happy when Carly, one of our moms of an athlete going through the elite mental game, posted this in our group. She said Ella and I joined EMG this past summer. Ella put her new knowledge to the test this past weekend at her first wrestling tournament for the season, and boy was I a proud mom. Ella held her composure. With her two losses. She still took third in a stacked boys bracket. She got several compliments from her coaches and parents. The best was that my husband, noticing a big difference in her composure, saying I guess that program really has helped Shout out to EMG for providing such effective tools to help Ella's mental game. Pretty cool, and I wish you could see the pictures that Carly attached with this. It's Ella just like totally taking down this boy in this wrestling competition and also with a metal around her neck. So pretty awesome. Congrats, ella, and nice job, carly. Keep kicking butt.

Speaker 1: 2:43

Okay, time to dive into this episode with Julia. I know you're going to enjoy it as much as I enjoyed talking with her. Hey, welcome, julia, to the raising elite competitors podcast. I'm so happy that you're here. Thank you so much for having me. I'm happy to be here. Yeah, I'm really excited to dive in. You have a ton of knowledge in this whole area of sports, psychology, mental performance, so we're talking about some really great things. But before we dive into it, will you please just introduce yourself? Let us know a little bit about your background and what you do know.

Speaker 2: 3:12

Yeah, totally so. I'm Julia. Obviously my background really stems from kind of my passion and experience in sports as an athlete. I grew up playing soccer my whole life. I went on to play division one soccer. I grew up with a coach as a father, so my dad's been a hockey coach my whole life at the professional, olympic, collegiate level and so I always had like a really unique experience where I lived the athletes perspective. But from day one I had insight to the coach's perspective as well and so I was always really intrigued in that dynamic and kind of my experiences.

Speaker 2: 3:43

But like the coach's decisions and coaches interactions, and so our dinner time table conversations about how was your day at school and how was your day at work was always like how was your day at practice? Well, how was your day at practice? And kind of really diving into coaching psychology and things like that. And so when I went to college and I didn't have the experience I truly wanted I didn't play all four years I ended up leaving the sport and interning with a sports psychologist at my school and I went on to grad school and kind of study sports and since then I've built my own mental skills, consulting business where I work with athletes, mostly collegiate athletes and kind of prep school athletes, helping them prepare for that transition to college, and I also teach high school psychology so really work a lot with that age group and all levels of like psycho education.

Speaker 1: 4:26

Very, very cool. Yeah, we were just chatting offline about how we have a very similar background. I didn't also know. I also walked away from my sport but in high school, like after my senior year, and then I played in college later, so I kind of did the reverse, but, yeah, kind of this. Like you know, reckoning of all right, I'm done with the sport and, ok, your dad being a coach, this is like a common thing.

Speaker 1: 4:48

I know this isn't actually wasn't what we were going to talk about, but I do have to ask because we have so many parents in our community that do coach their kids and I am on this line of like should I do that? I've been a head coach for 12 years and I'm always like, oh man, they've got a target on their backs, like people are always just going to have this like preconceived idea that they're getting some sort of special treatment or they've got to work 10 times harder and you know just all the things that come with like coaching your kid, and I just haven't made a decision yet if I'm even going to go down that route. But overall, like, how was your experience with your dad being your coach for so long?

Speaker 2: 5:21

So my dad coached a different sport, so he never actually coached.

Speaker 1: 5:23

OK.

Speaker 2: 5:24

So I just have a really unique balance of having a very neutral coach's perspective, but I can't speak for either of them. But my dad is still coaching college and he's actually coaching my brother now. So it is a very interesting dynamic and, if I'm going to be completely honest, I think it's the hardest on my mom because of that stress and anxiety. My dad and my brother have navigated it extremely well, but I think there's also something to be said for, like, the maturity level of my brother once he got to that stage.

Speaker 2: 5:53

So my dad's a hockey coach, my brother plays hockey and, like, if you don't know, college hockey, the average age of a college hockey freshman is about 21, because they go and play juniors and they don't go straight from high school, and so I think it would have been a very different experience if my dad was coaching my brother when he was 15. But my brother was 18, 19 when this happened and they had a lot of really honest and probably difficult conversations for them. I don't know, I wasn't a part of it, but they have navigated it extremely well. But I will say I think you talked about, like, is it harder for them or easier for them? I will say from an outsider's perspective, I think my brother has to work 10 times harder than anyone else. Yeah, or anything.

Speaker 1: 6:30

Mm, hmm, totally. Oh yeah, that is tough, though. Did I miss what sport? What was your sport? Soccer, okay, Cool, all right. Well, that's a good tidbit, good perspective. I always like to hear that as well, and that's interesting, like my husband and I are both coaches as well, so our kids are growing up with that that same experience of, whether they like it or not, they're hearing a lot about sports.

Speaker 2: 6:51

I will say I think it like the one good thing that I think my dad did that I give him a lot of credit for is he always took a step back and it was my brother who approached my dad for that opportunity. My dad, I don't think, ever put any pressure on him to be like, hey, I want to coach you or want this to happen, and the college recruiting process is a little bit different, but he also let the systems handle that whole process. So my dad, really, I think, let my brother come to him and explore what he wanted. So there was a lot of like autonomy there for my brother in that journey.

Speaker 1: 7:22

Yeah, which is super important. Yeah, that's awesome, okay. Well, let's get into what we really were going to talk about today. Although that was great, a great little tangent. So let's talk first about this whole this stat that I hear a lot that gets floated around this whole most kids quit their sport by the age of 11. From your perspective, why is this happening and how can we help this to not happen?

Speaker 2: 7:46

Yeah, I mean it's not just from my perspective. I've done a lot of reading and research on it and, like studies show, one of the number one reasons when kids give their feedback is just that it's not fun anymore, which breaks my heart, because the whole purpose of like why any of us start playing these games is because it is fun. And so if you dive into it and try and figure out what is taking the enjoyment away, a lot of it is like the business that you sports have become and how it's now structured, not just to like help kids develop. It is structured from a business perspective very early on to make money, to get kids to the next level, whatever that might be. And suddenly we're talking about things like college and drafts and contracts, way before it should even enter the conversation, let alone the thought of a kid's mind, and it changes the whole dynamic and the relationship that kids have with the game.

Speaker 2: 8:38

And it starts this comparison thing way too early where suddenly, rather than just focusing on my development and my enjoyment and my learning, I'm looking over and being like well, I'm not as good as this person, so why am I even bothering? Because if I'm not going to be able to get the end goal of a college scholarship. Why am I playing when you could have like 18 years of great experiences and lessons and growth? That, even like everyone, stops playing, no matter how good you are. At some point in time the game is going to end, and just because something's going to end doesn't mean that there's no value in that experience.

Speaker 1: 9:11

Yeah, totally, and I see that too like as a coach, as a men's performance coach for sure, and it does start early. The pressure, I think, for parents starts early too. Like I have a five year old and I'm like, wait, should she be on a basketball team right now? Should she be on a soccer team also? Like, are we late? And I'm like, okay, slow down, pump the brakes here, like we're not late on anything, literally, just let her do what she is interested in. But I feel those thoughts creepy and even with being in this space, so it's rough.

Speaker 2: 9:41

Yeah, I mean, it's kind of it's a cultural shift that I think started with the best of intentions and I say this all the time. I think coaches, parents, everyone who's involved in these situations, like we all want the best for our kids and our players and because of that sometimes we try so hard to like give them the world that we forget to like give them a moment to just be kids and enjoy that process. And so I don't think there's like any ill intentions involved in some of the pressure that parents might feel and like kids themselves feel, but I think it's just having that self awareness and like checking ourselves and realizing that there is no reason to rush, like development takes time, but also like we're playing games, like they are literally called games.

Speaker 2: 10:29

So let's have fun and let's not wish it away and let's not take away the fun, because even if you do get that contract or that scholarship and make it to the next level, if you're not having fun anymore, like, it's not worth the money you're getting.

Speaker 1: 10:42

Totally Okay. So in your book you talk about playing for three things. I know that fun is one of them. Can you go over what those three things are?

Speaker 2: 10:49

Yeah, so I talk about playing for yourself, for fun and for those next to you, and we can dive into fun, and I could talk about fun for hours and the value that I think it has, because I think it gets overlooked in every aspect of our lives Super important, but starting more with like for yourself.

Speaker 2: 11:05

It's so important and sometimes we lose sight of that because humans are naturally really social creatures and so we want to feel connected to people and so because that we do things for others, especially if they're people we love. And so, as parents, you do things for your kids because you love them and you do what you think is right for them, but at the same time, your kids feel pressure to do things for you, and it gets really hard and sometimes the communication breaks down because everyone just wants to keep each other happy, and then we lose sight of some of like, the honesty and the self-awareness of like why am I really here and doing these things? And so, when it comes to sports and sport participation and performance, like you got to make sure you want to be there too, and it might be a really hard conversation, but for the kid if you don't, well, one take some time to figure out why Like it might not be the sport, it might be a situation, it might be just the time for you to kind of catch your breath.

Speaker 2: 11:56

Walking away and taking a break from something doesn't mean it's gone forever. But also, like, have those conversations with your parents and parents have them with your kids and like really emphasize, why do we sign you up for sports, why do we play games, why do we do these things? And make sure it's clear that, like you want them to be there for themselves first, like we want you to have fun and enjoy it, and then also like the person next to you, like there's something so uniting about team experiences and growing and working together and fighting for a goal, whatever that might be. And so, especially as you evolve and go through all these different sports experiences, there's going to be things that no one else can relate to or understand, except the person that was next to you when you experienced it. And like, years later, whether you still talk to those people and are close to them, like you're going to remember those moments and you are united in a unique way that very few people understand.

Speaker 1: 12:45

Yeah, it is. It is pretty powerful. Okay, I don't want to move on from the fun piece quite yet, because also because you said you could check for hours on it, so let's go there. But when I hear fun, like as a competitive former collegiate athlete, there is like this part of me that's like okay, fun, but also like what does that mean? Because it's also really hard work and it's very competitive, it's very intense. So if we're just expecting kids to like enjoy every second of it, like now, are we setting them up with an unrealistic standard of like you need to be having fun all the time. So I guess my question is like where's the line? Like, if kids are saying it's not fun, do we just dig deeper? What's coming up for you when I say that?

Speaker 2: 13:27

Well, I think it's really important to like clarify, like fun and hard are not mutually exclusive. You can do hard things and they can be really fun at the same time. And sometimes we always have to keep in context of like what age are we talking about here too? Because the like appropriate level of like challenge is really important when it comes to motivation, right. So if you want to challenge your child or challenge a player or anyone, there has to be a level of like reality in that challenge, so they're pushing themselves but still achieving some success. Because if you set a bar too high that is unrealistic based on where their development is, you're also going to be it's going to eventually be demotivating. You might think like, oh, I'm challenging them and I'm pushing them and I'm teaching them to work harder, but if it's not in a situation where they're not going to experience any success, that can really kind of kill any fire or motivation that exists. So it's the perfect balance of like success and failure that creates kind of continuing motivation, right. So we want to make sure we have realistic framework of where we're going, but like, yeah, hard and fun aren't mutually exclusive and I have to have this conversation a lot, because there's so many athletes I work with.

Speaker 2: 14:33

When I tell them like they come in, they're struggling with their motivation, I'm like, well, how many times did you laugh at practice yesterday? And they're like Julia, this isn't funny. This isn't like we're trying to win and I'm like I trust me, I love winning, but you can still have fun. Like competition should be fun, right, challenging yourself should be fun. And so when I talk about fun, it's not like laxity, we don't care. It's like we're enjoying the process of pushing ourselves and read things and because you're going to experience so much failure. And so, if it's not fun, what's bringing you back the next day? What's fueling that drive? Yeah, you might be a super motivated individual, but when push comes to shove, no matter how motivated and driven you are, if you're not having any fun, after a while your tank's going to be empty and there's going to be nothing else for, like refilling yeah yeah, good points, and I love that you bring up the age thing too, because that does look different age and competition level.

Speaker 1: 15:27

Okay. So what if, speaking as like a parent or a mom or a dad that's what's the name and they're like, okay, well, my kid doesn't look like they're having fun and maybe they're even saying, like this isn't fun, I don't want to go to practice. Are there ways to for parents to help their kids like reengage in that enjoyment of the sport, to bring the fun back, to have them enjoy it? Are there things that you would recommend?

Speaker 2: 15:49

Yeah, I mean I think first like starting the conversation and figuring out what about it isn't fun anymore, like, is it the challenge? And, if so, maybe help them shift their perspective away from the outcome in the score. Like, maybe it's not fun because they're losing every game and, granted, that can be really challenging. That's not fun, but that also might be a really valuable time to talk about. Well, we're not just playing this so we can win. Like find some moments in that game or in that practice where you did find success and like, are you learning from these experiences? Whatever it may be. So I think you need to dig a little bit to figure out what about it isn't fun.

Speaker 1: 16:25

Is it?

Speaker 2: 16:25

the outcome. That's not fun. Is it the environment? Is it just the schedule? All of these things like there's so many different answers that are going to depend on the situation.

Speaker 2: 16:35

So I wouldn't shy away from conversations about that, right, and in that conversation too, be careful.

Speaker 2: 16:42

Like you want to come to the conversation in a sense of curiosity, right, times questioning, and I like think about this all the time as a teacher and as a coach. Right, sometimes when you ask questions it can feel a little bit like an interrogation. Right, there is a right or wrong answer and I'm asking you because they're wanting to give me the right answer. But I think you can come at conversations not with a sense of like give me an answer, but sense of genuine curiosity, like I just want to know more about your experience and then so we can work together to find that kids, no matter how old, are very intuitive and they can kind of read that and they can sense that. So I'm playing like making clear your intention of, like I'm asking you questions just because I want to, I want to know, tell me what's happening out there. Like what was that like for you? Not like why aren't you having fun? What's wrong? Because then they feel like it's something that they did.

Speaker 1: 17:26

Yeah, yeah, true, yeah, I've heard recently like changing the why or like why isn't it fun? Because it does sound like kind of puts you on the defense of like well, what I like. I said like what about? This isn't fun? Because then we could come up with a solution there.

Speaker 2: 17:38

Like it's my teammates, I don't like them, or like the coach, or you know the environment, like what was fun before, like what's missing, because if you've had fun experiences, then you can reflect back and learn from them and try and like instill okay, well, we had a lot of fun when we were in this game or on this game, and what was fun about that? Well, I really liked, we did xyz and so, like, let's try and bring those things into each situation we're in with us.

Speaker 1: 18:03

Yeah, cool and you kind of already answered this. But, like from a mental performance coach, mental skills coach, do you do do anything like specific with your athletes to help in this area of, like, enjoyment of the sport?

Speaker 2: 18:15

Yeah, I mean, there's so many different ways you can approach it. I do a lot of gratitude with athletes because they're so driven and goal oriented. They tend to constantly be focused on the things that they don't have yet or haven't achieved yet, and so we make sure to take a lot of time to like pause and turn around and be like wait, but like look at all the things we do have and all the things we have accomplished. I remember specifically, I had a really insightful conversation once with a figure skater and she was just getting into like her international competition. So she just became like a Team USA figure skater and was prepping to go overseas for a competition and was talking about like how scared she was. And she made a comment that like caught my attention and I write about my book and she said I'm just so scared like all of this won't be worth it.

Speaker 1: 19:00

And I like posture.

Speaker 2: 19:01

And I was like, well, what do you mean like all of this? And she was like, well, like all of the like time and energy and sacrifices, and like all the things my parents put into it, like I'm just worried that it's like all gonna be for nothing. And I was like, okay, like that's totally fair, there's. You have done a lot like this has been years for you. And so I asked her what is your worst case scenario? And so then she she described it and I'm not gonna have it like word for word but she she talked about like I don't perform my best and I don't meddle, and again, it's all for nothing.

Speaker 2: 19:31

She didn't really have a lot of words, it was just like nothing works, nothing goes how I want it to go. And I was like, okay. And then I asked her like what's your best case scenario? And then she starts describing her best case scenario and the words were something to the fact of I get to travel to a lot of cool places, be like compete against the best skaters in the world and like do the sport I love. And I actually to stop her because that's not the answer I expected and I was like, girl, you're, you already have your best case scenario.

Speaker 2: 19:59

You're doing that you are doing that. So like fall on your butt or like when, and end on top of the podium those things you are so scared of losing you already have. And like it was this moment for her and she was like, oh my god, you're right. And again it wasn't to take away her motivation and drive to like want to achieve those things, but it was this kind of realization of like she hadn't stopped to look around in like be present and like see Everything that she had, in like that feeds into her confidence, like the dream she had a year ago she was living, but she was too busy to be worried about the next dream to realize she was living and so then she missed it. So it's a lot of gratitude and pausing and kind of building confidence from, like what we do have and then, using that kind of fuel, the next step, yeah super powerful.

Speaker 1: 20:46

Very cool. Okay, I love that, love this whole discussion about fun and enjoyment and where what its place is. I do want to move on to something else that you mentioned in your book, and that is about our Brain being like a muscle that needs time to develop. Specifically, let's talk about the chaos that is the teenage brain and how, like, just kind of, what's going on? What's going on there?

Speaker 2: 21:10

So much is going on, right. I think it's so Funny because, again, like I work with high schoolers a lot and a lot of what I do is actually teaching them these things that they don't realize and they get a lot of black for being super emotional and Then, as a result, coaches and parents and the teenagers themselves work really hard to like not be so emotional, and it's a losing battle because they that's not how they're designed Like. Their brain is currently at a stage in their development where their emotions are the most powerful thing, that is working at its fullest, and their frontal lobe, their frontal cortex, which is like logic and reason and like planning ahead and impulse control. It's not fair yet.

Speaker 2: 21:52

And so, like your brain is not fully developed until you're about 25, and so even like collegiate athletes, even some of like the professional athletes that are making millions of dollars and are being Scrutinized for every little thing they're doing. They're not done developing, so their decision making isn't going to be perfect I mean no, human decision-making is but especially at that stage and so I talk a lot with, especially a teenage athlete and realizing, like the emotions aren't the enemy and like you, being emotional, isn't you failing at some like necessary skill? It's you literally being designed for what you're supposed to do right now, because where they're at and kind of what their, their purpose is, in a grand scheme of, like human development, as a teenage brain is designed to test limits, push boundaries and feel things so they can actually learn where those limits and boundaries are and Kind of form really valuable connections both in their brain and with people around them.

Speaker 2: 22:47

And so when something happens that is super frustrating or like nerve inducing, whatever it may be, or just upsetting or heartbreaking, they genuinely feel those things differently than an adult. And so when you are working with them and you feel like you're living two different worlds, you're like did we just experience the same thing like you did it? And like that's okay, because like they're not experiencing things the same way as you and you have to understand that, because it doesn't work to like Reason with emotion when emotion is was dominating the brain and reason isn't there. Yet it takes longer for that reason, to catch up.

Speaker 1: 23:24

Mm-hmm. Yeah, very true, I do find a lot of similarities, as working with high schoolers as well as my toddler, and I never tell them that because I'm like this is probably not the thing you want to hear, but Feels the same.

Speaker 2: 23:40

Both super prominent stages in our development. Right as a toddler, like it's your first experiences of like Interacting with the world and your sponge soaking in all this information and knowledge, like learning words and learning how to talk and understand what is life, right, and then you kind of settle into a little bit of a groove. But then when you hit your teenage years again you have like the amount of like growth that's happening in your brain.

Speaker 2: 24:04

It's very comparable to those toddler years because it's another like turning point of you kind of like entering now Like I'm getting ready to be an adult, but, like, in order for me to understand what that means, I need to, like, push all these buttons and push all these limits, so, like, my brain can form connections that aren't there yet.

Speaker 1: 24:20

Yeah, yeah, totally Okay. So good reminder for us to raising teens. How should that help? I mean other than just like awareness, you know, how can we kind of help parents Understand how to navigate the teenage brain in this way? So let's talk specifically like situations that a lot of moms find themselves in our community. So, like after a loss, athlete is like everything was terrible, nothing was good I'm actually the worst one on the team and we should probably quit right now like kind of that Catastrophizing, but then it's just, it lasts, you know, it lingers for a couple of days and I parents asking like what do we do? Like I didn't think she played that bad, but she thinks she's not playing well, so no, there's kind of the perspective of like how would you help an athlete in that situation? But also, how can we advise parents to help you?

Speaker 2: 25:05

Yeah, I think one of the piece of advice I give both is, like one time I always have to tell athletes you can go back and review and critique your game all you want.

Speaker 2: 25:15

Like, watching videos is a very normal thing for athletes today, but you need 24 hours minimum before you do that, because if you're watching film, or even if, like, there's no film but you're just sitting there and self analyzing your game within an hour after that game ended, your vision blurry because you're physically tired, so like you don't get all the resources and you're emotionally drained and so it's not going to be an accurate self reflection. So time is super important. And like parents can take the same thing of like you can be there for your kid, but don't try and dive in and analyze a game on the thread home. Like you can acknowledge what they're saying and support them, but don't press and ask more questions. Honestly, like if you can and are able to, I would change the subject go get food, talk about something else, figure out what you're doing that night Like let's let things settle before we dive into that. And then something that a coach once said to me.

Speaker 2: 26:06

So my graduate research was actually looking at intermission strategies from coaches. So how do they manage the locker room? Because coaches are super detail oriented and they pre-plan almost everything they do.

Speaker 2: 26:17

But you can't predict what's going to happen when you walk into the locker room between periods of the game, like you don't know, and so we talked a lot about managing those emotions and one of the coaches said that you want to be the calm in the storm and the storm in the calm, which I thought was really cool because he was saying there's sometimes like there's a storm right which is overwhelming because it's all these emotions and everyone in the locker room is freaking out. And you got to be the calm that kind of neutralizes that right, because you want them to try and meet in the middle somewhere. So you got to like talk quieter. So they have to actually be quiet and listen. You have to kind of just like come in there and like display and role model what you want them to kind of be feeling and doing. Maybe they also talked about how like for a coach this might be more specific than the parent, but the quiet can be really intimidating.

Speaker 2: 27:03

Sometimes, if you walk, into the locker room you're like, oh no, this isn't good either.

Speaker 2: 27:07

And so that's like in the middle of the game, right, you might want to be the storm, you might want to infuse some energy, but I think, as a parent, right, you might not be in the locker room where you're trying to get them ready to like go and battle back in the second half of the game. But being like that calm in the storm is really important because I think sometimes, again, best of intentions parents care so much and so when you see your kid being so emotional, it makes you emotional. And then when you're trying to pull them back to some like more positive place and they're not coming, then you get frustrated. And then suddenly, like your well intended positivity leads to anger, leads to like an argument, and you get confused because you're like, are we arguing? Because I think you were trying to give you a compliment. It's really hard to navigate.

Speaker 2: 27:50

So I would say like, be aware, like when their emotions are so high, just try and be like a solid sounding board and be neutral. Right, really, help, be that calm in the storm so they can kind of come back down. And then I also talk about positivity, like yes, it's so important, but true positivity is very realistic. So you got to be positive but honest, and so the you were amazing. Everything is great. It's not that bad.

Speaker 2: 28:16

You're not feeling good about yourself, like it's not, you're not going to hear it.

Speaker 2: 28:21

And so finding a really kind of realistic balance of like that game, like I'm sure that was frustrating, like it can be frustrating, but like maybe there's some truth or like hey, like you're going to play him again in a few weeks, like you can kind of fight back, like use your energy for that. Just finding some way to like acknowledge, even if you think they played great, they obviously didn't. So acknowledge and like validate the frustration or the anger of the emotion, before you just go in there with like everything's awesome, thumbs up, smiling because that's going to be hit with like a wall real quick.

Speaker 1: 28:54

Yeah, yeah, we talk about that a lot actually in the parent side of our program, that because we want to fix things Like we don't, it feels uncomfortable to us to see our kids like that upset.

Speaker 1: 29:05

And also we're like well, you know it wasn't all bad, so part of that's true. But, yeah, you're right this how should I hear? Oh, on Glen and Doyle's podcast I don't know if you listened to that untamed she was talking about brightsiding people and like to not just brightside them and actually make them feel worse, so just like showing the bright side of things. And it's so true.

Speaker 2: 29:28

So yeah, and I, as uncomfortable as it is. Again, I know we have a tendency to want to rescue people we love. So like I don't want you feeling that way, so I want to save you, but sometimes, like it's okay to let them go through that journey on their own Right. And if you're constantly trying to save someone, whether it's from a difficult situation like that negative emotions, which I always try and like stray away from even labeling emotions as negative or positive, because like they all exist and we're going to feel them all and it's not like good or bad to have them. You just have them, right, yeah, but sometimes when we try so hard to protect them from those things one, we're taking away the opportunity for them to develop the skills to navigate it on their own, because as a parent, you're not always going to be their next year kid when they're feeling things, and so it is really important for them to kind of sit with it for a little bit and see how they manage and navigate.

Speaker 2: 30:19

So like one, give them some opportunity in, like a safe way, to navigate those emotions and see how they deal with it. And two, like sometimes we send indirect messages without realizing it. So if you have a child that every time they're upset and you're like, no, no, no, it's okay, like can I fix it, what can I do? Or like they're frustrated, or every time they're failing and you're like okay, like let me come, like save you from that, we'll put you in a different situation, there is a subtle message of like I don't think you can handle those things, I don't think you can deal with failure, and so, like, as they get older, whether it's like conscious or not, there's this kind of underlying belief that like I can't deal with things like this because people always told me I shouldn't, and so we kind of have to, sometimes as the adults suck it up and like it's so uncomfortable and so hard.

Speaker 2: 31:03

But like have belief and let them go through those trials on their own and then be there for them if they reach out, or if it gets to a point where you're like okay, like you've been sulking now for a few days, I'm going to help you get back on track. But like, let's see where they kind of navigate and like, have a little bit of a little bit of a leash for them as they get older and work through things.

Speaker 1: 31:20

Yeah, yeah, that's so great. I love that. Actually, we're going to wrap it up with that as a really good reminder for everybody. But, julia, can you share a little bit more, although we've been talking about concepts that you teach in your book? This whole time but can you share about your book and also where people can find you?

Speaker 2: 31:37

Yeah, so my book is called Everything I Got. It's 30 lessons on what you give, what you get and how you grow through sports. So it's a little bit of a mix of like memoir with some of my experiences as an athlete, as a mental skills coach conversations I've had with athletes, experiences I've had coaching with sports, psychology, research, a little bit of sports history. My goal really was to take a lot of the research that is out there and make it like tangible and accessible and more relatable, because no one really wants to go read journal articles and I get that, but there's some valuable science out there so that's on Amazon, so anyone could get that. If you want those lessons, I'm on Instagram so it's Elaine Mental Performance, my last name, all and then mental performance, so I post from my book there. I post lessons that sometimes those things I'm doing with different teams and stuff also can easily reach me there or on my website. Everything's just Elaine Mental Performance, whether it's Elaine Mental Performance at Gmail, elainemetalperformancecom. Elaine Mental Performance, instagram Keep it consistent.

Speaker 1: 32:36

Yeah, cool, yes, and I got everything you got. Julia sent me her book Everything I got and I'm reading it. So yeah, it's great. It's a great one. I highly recommend.

Speaker 2: 32:50

And a spoiler alert. But lesson number 30 is that sports aren't everything and kind of. The real takeaway is that, like everything I literally got from sports is like all the experiences in the relationships, and I think for parents especially.

Speaker 2: 33:02

Like for me, I would not be as close to my parents or my mom or my dad if I didn't play sports, because growing up I spent hours upon hours in the car with them and we were forced to do nothing but talk, and so like for parents listening and for kids listening, like, again, the game is going to end, but you're going to have so many memories with each other and you have so many reasons to connect, reach out and support one another and like each other's cheerleaders. And so cherish those times because it's like, honestly, the best.

Speaker 1: 33:30

Yeah, yeah, oh, I love that. Another great reminder so we have. So thank you, Julia, this is really great. We'll make sure to link all of those resources in the show notes and yeah, I appreciate it. Thank you so much for sharing with our community. Thank you so much for having me. This was fun.