Say This Not That: Post-Game Car Ride Home Edition

Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome back to the Racing Elite Competitors podcast. I'm Coach Breed, a mental performance coach for girl athletes, and I'm so excited that you're here Now, whether you are a sports mom or dad just getting going on the sports journey. So your daughter maybe is young and trying at sports. Do you wanna know how to best support her? Or maybe you're a sports parent with a lot of seasons under your belt and you want to help your athlete level up and play with confidence Wherever you are on that spectrum? This podcast is for you. We teach you exactly how to support your girl athlete so that she is strong mentally in her sport and out.

Speaker 1: 0:34

Today we are talking about a common thing the post-game car ride home, or really just that post-game period. It can be a really tricky one to navigate as a parent and honestly, it's one that I hear a lot about, both from athletes who are in this situation where their parents are trying to talk to them post-game and they don't wanna hear it, and also from parents who are saying she's disappointed or she lost and I don't really know what to say to help her feel better. So we're gonna dive into that. We're doing a whole say this, not that version. I don't know how many of you remember, I don't know, from when I was growing up. There used to be this like eat this, not that thing, whatever. We're gonna follow that structure just to talk about some things that you can say that will really help, and also things to avoid saying because they will end up hurting your athlete in that moment and also long-term.

Speaker 1: 1:19

Now, before we get into the whole meat of this episode, I wanna give a shout out to an athlete in our community. Her name is Sheridan and this is what she texted me the other day. She said EMG is going really well. Now, emg is our signature mental training program where we teach girl athletes how to build the mental side of their sport. It's also where we teach parents how to support their athlete through their athletic journey. So she said it's going really well. I used my mental reset this morning in practice and it helped a lot. I felt so much calmer.

Speaker 1: 1:43

To be honest, when my mom wrote me into this I didn't think it would work, but I'm already seeing it help in day-to-day life as well. Thank you so much. So I love the honesty here. I love that she was like my mom kind of presented this thing to me, and that's honestly where some of your athletes are at as well. You're like I know the elite mental game. I know mental training is going to help my athlete, but how do I present it in a way where you know it's not making it look like or seem like she is lacking confidence or something like that, and so I love that. She's honest, like my mom did, wrote me into this and I was skeptical because most athletes are at first and that's okay. It's okay for your daughter to be skeptical about the idea of mental training because, unless she's a higher level athlete, this is probably a relatively new concept for her. But the beautiful thing about this is that these skills are accessible to athletes who are in middle school, athletes who are in high school. They don't have to wait until they're college athletes and have access to a sports psychologist. That's what EMG does. So she was honest about it. My mom wrote me into it and guess what it's working. So sometimes all it takes is just, you know, getting her on board, or even just getting her like partly on board, just one foot on board, and then, once she gets into it, what we find with athletes is that they find it really useful. They're learning skills. The content is very easy to consume. It's very rewarding as well that earning points prizes and they're also learning very tangible things that they're applying to their sport in their life. So thank you for sharing that with me. Shared in that honestly made my day when I received that.

Speaker 1: 3:04

So, alright, let's get into today's episode. We're talking about the car ride home, and here's the deal. The car ride home is actually one of those memorable times in an athlete's career and, honestly, it's not always for a good reason, which is too bad, because typically, that car ride home where your athlete is Trapped in the car with you is the time where they feel like they're getting asked a million questions. They can't get away from that Performance that they just had. They're having to relive it over and over again and it's just not great. It's also where a lot of blow-ups happen. It's where a lot of stress and tension happens, and now, if your daughter is not like in a car ride home with you after the game, what I mean really is just that post game period, and we really want to turn this around for you and for her. We want that car ride home and that post game period to actually be something that you both look forward to, and that's possible. It happens all of the time.

Speaker 1: 3:58

Inside EMG we have parents and athletes who are having different experiences in that car ride home because now they have scripts, they have a structure, they have a process that they follow, they have a routine, and it just takes the pressure off of parents trying to figure out what to say and it also allows athletes to have what they need in that post game period. So I'll talk about what they need and what they don't need and really what your daughter is experiencing post game. So let's kind of go through the process here. So she just did have a performance. Whether she plays a team sport, individual sport, she performed and she was out there, she was doing her thing or she was on the bench. You know the thing happened Okay.

Speaker 1: 4:35

Now, post competition, she can be thinking things like that was great, that was awesome or that was terrible I'm the worst one on the team or even really nothing, just like I just need space and I need some food. Talk about emotion. So what is she feeling post game, as her parent, as her mom or her dad? You have experienced it all. You've seen her at her highest, really happy. She's feeling pumped. You've seen her at our lowest. She's feeling like that's terrible. Maybe she's even coming off like with tears streaming down her face. Okay, we've been in those situations before. So she's feeling any and all emotions that can vary based on the performance, based on how things went, and it can be tough for us to know what to do as parents in those situations.

Speaker 1: 5:14

But what does she need? What your daughter needs in that post competition time is routine above all. Okay, and I'll tell you about what we teach parents inside the leap mental game for a routine and then assurance of your love, regardless of the outcome, regardless of what she did out there. You are not changing your love, your affection, your attention that you're giving her right. So you're not giving her the silent treatment if she didn't play well. You're not saying let's go out and have a nice dinner if you scored this many points and if you didn't, well, we're just gonna go straight home. You're lucky, lucky if you get food.

Speaker 1: 5:50

Now, Sometimes we joke about that, but honestly, it can be like those nuanced things that and we're not gonna go down this fully in this episode. But this whole placing so much emphasis on the outcome, placing so much emphasis on you know what she's achieving and Our kids. When we do that, can subconsciously link their performance, their achievement, to your love and your affection and how you feel about them, and that can lead to things like perfectionism, can lead to things like extra pressure that she's putting on herself. That's not necessary, because we know when athletes are under a ton of extra pressure they don't play well and so a lot of those things we can actually head off as parents by not Me, you know placing so much emphasis on the outcome. Okay, again, that's not totally the focus of today's episode. We're talking more about post game. But look for other episodes around praise, around you know, performance outcomes like those are Episodes where we really go deep into where you're placing your praise and your emphasis and how that can impact her confidence.

Speaker 1: 6:45

Okay, so, getting back to kind of this post game period she needs routine, she needs assurance of your love and just you know how you feel about her, regardless of what she did out there. What she doesn't need, especially post game, is your critiquing and your feelings about the game. Because, let's be honest, you might have some feelings about the game based on how she performed, how she played what happened out there. Okay, she doesn't need you to offload that onto her. Those are yours. Hey, you deal with that in a different way. Do not offload that onto her. Do not dive right into the game. You know and just pick it apart. Pick her apart. She already knows what she did wrong. She already knows what she wants to improve on. She might need some help processing that. We can do that in a productive way, but she does not need you to rehash it. Relive it and ask her questions like why the heck did the coach do that? Or what were you thinking in that situation? Or, you know, only if you were to like, keep your elbow and a little bit more, you would have made that shot.

Speaker 1: 7:32

Okay, all of those things are gonna cause her to shut down. It's also gonna cause her to not wanna talk to you, and the thing about it is we ultimately do want our kids to come to us as that safe space. We want to maintain this post-game period as like a safe space that she can come to, that she can share or not share if she doesn't want to, without expectation of how you're gonna respond or be mad at her or try and critique her or get her to feel a certain way. Okay, we want her to have that safe space. And when you jump in and you start to coach her, you start to criticize her, you start to ask her a bunch of questions, you start to assume how she feels. All those things are just gonna cut off that opportunity for you and over time she's not gonna wanna share, she's gonna. You're gonna get either no answer from her or you're gonna get answers like it was fine, okay. And because she doesn't wanna go into it, she doesn't wanna hear it, okay.

Speaker 1: 8:15

So unsolicited coaching as well. We can talk about how you can process in a more productive way, but let's not do that. We're gonna leave that to the coaches. Now, what to say? That's kind of shipped into. What can you do?

Speaker 1: 8:27

So the process that we teach our parents inside the Elite Mental Game is the Love Framework. So L-O-V-E. We call it Love for a Reason Because, yes, you can. Although a lot of us are competitive, maybe your daughter's competitive, you're competitive. Maybe you're a former coach, former athlete, or you are a coach if you're like me, you're competitive. Okay, and the love okay is what we need to make sure that we are providing for our kids, regardless of how they perform. I know I've said that about four times now, but it's so important, so this is kind of like that reminder of like that is what I need to be for her, okay.

Speaker 1: 8:57

So, as an acronym, the L stands for Let Her Lead. Let Her Lead the Conversation, let Her Lead what she wants to do. And I'm gonna give you some examples of, or some case studies, if you will, of, some athletes inside our program who are sharing with their parents what they need post-game okay, and what a great post-game would look like in their eyes, okay. So a lot of that, though a lot of them are saying, basically, let me be the driver of this conversation, let me be the one to decide if I wanna talk or when I wanna talk, okay. So L is Let Her Lead.

Speaker 1: 9:27

Now, if I were to actually put like an asterisk before, the love it is to check in with yourself and, like I was mentioning earlier, you might have some emotions, you might have some feelings about how the game went or the competition or the performance, and that could be bringing some stuff up in you. That is you, okay, check in with yourself. Do you need to take some emotional labs before you interact with your daughter, do you need to make sure that you're doing some like deep breathing just to get yourself into a space where you could be that calm in the storm that you could be the strong, sturdy leader for your daughter, instead of letting, like, your emotions control what you're gonna talk about? Okay, so that would be even before. The Let Her Lead is check in with yourself.

Speaker 1: 10:00

Okay, the O is Open the Space, and what I love about Open the Space it doesn't have to be complicated, but create a routine with your daughter. That is pretty much the same, and the easiest thing you can do is go out to eat. Okay, go get something. It doesn't have to be a big restaurant and dinner or anything like that, but like, just open the space for her to be able to feel comfortable in your presence. And maybe and you know, post game looks different, like, if we're talking tournament versus a game and all of that, how much time you have. But, hey, where do you wanna go to eat? Do you wanna go to a toilet or do you wanna go to Starbucks? Okay, make that. What would apply to her.

Speaker 1: 10:28

So opening that space just means like you're opening up the opportunity for her to talk and then you can ask a question in that time like, hey, do you wanna talk about the game? She might say, no, all right, kids like to talk about things at the most random times as well. So it could be 11 o'clock at night that she's coming to your room and is like, okay, you know, and then she's kind of offloading some of this, but if you're forcing her to talk in that moment, you're probably not gonna get exactly what you wanna hear or the truth, right, she's probably just gonna tell you things to get you to stop talking. Okay, so open that space so that there's opportunity and, you know, make it a routine. He has validated her experience. So if she is gonna talk a little bit, instead of trying to fix her, like you know, oh, I gotta make her feel better or, you know, get her to feel a certain way. Validate what you're hearing. Okay, report back.

Speaker 1: 11:09

We coach moms inside our program with specific scripts on what to say in this moment, like if she's feeling disappointed, if she feels like she's the worst one on the team, if she's feeling happy. Now, there is a huge missed opportunity for those of us who have kids who, like they did play well and they are excited about it, or they just played really well. We sometimes just kind of brush this over and we're like, okay, great, whew, we're all good. We're missing a big opportunity to praise our kids based on their effort, based on things that are in their control. Okay, there's a lot of research, especially those of you that are familiar with Carol Dweck and her research on Gryff mindset about where you are placing your praise and placing your emphasis and when they win is like one of the biggest opportunities To make sure that you are praising and emphasizing what's in her control rather than just the outcome. Okay.

Speaker 1: 11:52

So validate, though, just means you're hearing what she is saying and you're saying I get it, I hear. You make sense to feel that way instead of trying to be like oh, you know, everyone makes mistakes or you shouldn't really feel like that because of this, this and this and this. And she's like mom, I'm trying to have how I'm feeling. You asked me and now you're telling me to feel something different. Okay, and at the root of confidence is self-trust, and so if we want our kids to trust themselves and trust how they feel, we've got to make sure that we validate. You really know, you feel like that. That is a normal thing for you to feel. It makes sense that you'd feel like that. Okay, so that we are actually fostering confidence in that moment.

Speaker 1: 12:26

E is the last part of the love framework and that is encourage inward, and that's where we have moms and dads Ask open-ended questions, get them to self reflect, self process, instead of tell them what we saw, because I know we have a lot of great Advice and we have a. You know, maybe you have a coaching background even, and you've got all these things you want to tell her. But best lessons are learned when she is able to articulate and find them herself. So we have whole lists of questions inside our program around getting her to encourage Inward, like to look inward and ask herself like, what were my goals? You know, how did I do? What went well? What do I want to improve? Okay, how was I as a teammate, how was I? I'm taking coaching, all of these things to help her.

Speaker 1: 13:06

Really, you know, objectively, look at that performance instead of getting swept away by, like you know, the feelings of it, like ah, that was terrible, or you know, and also causing her to Self-reflect when she wins and does well, because we want to repeat that and we've got to look at like okay, let's analyze where this success came from. Now, some of these questions I also pull out. We put inside our 25 key phrases cheat sheet. So this is an amazing cheat sheet for you to just have on hand. There are great phrases and scripts to say before she competes, after she competes, if you're like stuck with a loss of words and we give this cheat sheet away for free at our free training for sports moms. So if you haven't already checked out that free training, go to trainhergamecom to register. When you show up live, I give you this 25 key freezes PDF for free and it's really great. A lot of moms are like I actually bring that with me to like tournaments, to games, and I just like look at it and Memorize some of the scripts so that I'm armed with them after she competes.

Speaker 1: 14:01

The other thing I'm gonna mention before we wrap this up also is silence is okay. Silence is fine, and a lot of times we you know we are in the silence and we're like trying to fill and that's when we get in trouble, meaning we cause things to get worse and cause her to shut down. Silence is okay. Be okay with sitting and no one's talking and you are just that space. You are the strong study presence and you're okay and she's okay. Now I do want to mention some of the things, like I said, that these athletes have posted inside our Program, the elite mental games. So there's part of the program where we have athletes reflect on what does support look like before, during and after games and we have them right in the portal what this is, and then they actually go and tell their parents and we've coached parents on how to receive that feedback as well. But I do want to read some of them, just because I think it's enlightening to hear what athletes are saying around this topic.

Speaker 1: 14:47

So whenever athletes just this past Monday wrote this, she talked about what she likes before and then she said after I play, I like to stop and get food and wait a little bit to debrief about the tournament or practice. I don't like it when, as soon as I get out of the game, everyone asks me how they thought I did, because after I just want a little space there. It is Okay. And how empowering. If your daughter can recognize that and actually share that with you, that's pretty cool, okay.

Speaker 1: 15:12

Another athlete said this. She said I don't like it when my parents ask me a ton of questions after the game. I like to have some space. I don't like it when my parents constantly ask me questions. Okay, so, pretty similar to the other athlete, but we're here in kind of a theme here. Okay, all right, I'll give you one more. I mean there's hundreds of them inside our portal, but I just pulled out these three most recent ones. And this athlete said after competitions, I like to reflect on my own if I do bad. When I do well after a competition, I am more open to hearing feedback and have a better capacity to hear their speech.

Speaker 1: 15:41

Slash tips, long conversation. So this athlete I mean that was really sweet. They're like I recognize that my parents do want to give me tips to have a long conversation. But hey, read the room, parents, right? Is it like? Can you, can you sense like how I feel, like I did and I think this, like you know, tips, long conversation.

Speaker 1: 16:00

As a parent, you can really look at yourself and ask does this need to be said right now? Does this need to be said by me? Is this something that would be better communicated from a coach? Okay, and so just pausing to ask those things. Ultimately, overall, what is more important than your relationship with your daughter? Nothing, right. And so what you're trying to tell like, oh man, your relationship with her is more important than making sure she knows that if she were to get more available, she would have got that kill, okay. And so I just want you to filter it through that, like, does this seem to be said right now, does this seem to be said by me? And so there are other ways that we can open this space, ask questions that are not going to cause her to shut down, so that this post game car ride, this post game period, is a lot more enjoyable for you and for her. And so, ultimately, she's going to keep coming to you to be that safe space for her. All right, I hope this was helpful.

Speaker 1: 16:48

Moms, as I said before, if you haven't already checked out our free training for sports, moms, we go deeper into how to talk to your daughter before and after competition and really how to make sure that she has the mental skills that she needs to productively process a game without beating herself up, because when she has those mental training skills and she knows how to process, then she is likely not going to be spiraling after a game or she's going to have tools to know what to do with all that information that she just got from her performance. So that's at trainhergamecom. That's also where we give you our 25 key phrases PDF so that you have that cheat sheet to help you out before and after games. All right, moms, hope this was helpful. I am Coach Bree, an elite performance coach for girl athletes, and I will see you in the next episode of the Raising Elite Competitors podcast.