How Do I Keep My Daughter Positive When Teammates Are Negative?

Speaker 0: 0:00

Welcome back to the raising elite competitors podcast. I'm Coach Bree, a mental performance coach for girl athletes, and I am so excited that you're here Now. Whether you are a sports mom or maybe you're a sports dad welcome. And you are maybe just getting started on the sports journey. Maybe you have a young daughter who is just getting going in her athletic career and you want to know how to support her, or maybe you have a daughter who has, further along, you've got a lot of seasons under your belt. Either way, this podcast is for you, to help you learn how to raise a confident, mentally strong athlete. Now, part of raising a mentally strong athlete is helping her navigate the inevitable negative teammate dynamics that exist if your daughter plays a sport right, which they all do. So this is going to happen and we're going to talk today about how to help your daughter navigate it. How do you help her when she's coming to you and saying that she has a teammate that is rude, negative, for whatever reason? I know as parents, we are quick to want to jump in quick to want to figure out how we can help the situation, and I'm going to take you through what you can do as a parent, but then also how you can support your daughter mentally and also with very tangible skills to navigate this on her own as well.

Speaker 0: 1:10

Now, before we get into it, I want to give a shout out to a mom in our community. She posted this the other day. This mom is going through our program called the Elite Mental Game and so is her daughter. She said big win. This weekend at a hockey tournament in Colorado. My daughter played the best she's ever played and on our way home she shared with me that she has used what she is learning so far in the program throughout the weekend. I know there will still be bumps in the upcoming road, but I love the fact that she and I are both using these tools to get to a more positive place, making a difference overall. That's so great. I mean, what an awesome feeling to see your daughter out there just crushing it right, like playing her best, doing all these things, and then also to hear like, oh my gosh, she's using what she's learning inside the program. So the Elite Mental Game teaches girl athletes the mental side of their sports, so how to handle pressure, nerves, negativity, overcome mistakes, all the things to make sure that she is mentally strong when she competes in her sport. So to be a mom to see like, oh my gosh, she's using these skills. And then also the other part of the program supports parents, so teaches you, moms and dads, what to say, what to not say, what to do to support your athlete so that she is showing up the best she can. And that's really where this all comes together. So the fact that you're both using these tools to get this to this more positive place. I couldn't be more proud of you and can't wait to continue to hear about this journey. All right, one more thing before we jump in.

Speaker 0: 2:30

If you enjoy this podcast, if this has been helpful to you in any way on your sports journey, there are a few things that would mean a lot to us if you took a moment to do. The first one is make sure that you are following the podcast. This helps you out because you don't miss an episode right. And it helps us out because now, when we have more people who are subscribed, who are following, we can get into the ears of more sports parents and we can also bring on amazing guests to the podcast to help you out even more. So make sure you're following If you have another second.

Speaker 0: 2:57

If you rate or review the podcast, that would be like, oh my gosh, a slam dunk for us. So if this, you know again, has helped you out in any way, we would love to hear about it. And then, lastly, if you share the podcast with another sports mom, that helps us out a lot. So what I usually do. So the other co-founder of the elite competitor her name is Christina. She's actually my sister-in-law. I'm married to her brother. We text each other back and forth podcast episodes all the time like our favorite podcasts and we're like hey, I think you would love this. Super simple, just text away, send the link to another mom who you think would benefit, and that actually helps us out a lot. So thank you in advance for doing that.

Speaker 0: 3:34

All right, let's get into this how to help your daughter stay positive when she has negative teammates. This one can strike some chords with people, because it's tough. It's tough to watch your daughter in this situation. Now I do want to put a little disclaimer on this episode. If you suspect that your daughter is in a situation where she is being bullied by somebody, if she is being verbally abused, physically abused, any of those situations where she's telling you she feels unsafe going to practice and being around this person, or this person is seeking her out in other settings, like in school and things like that. Okay, huge red flag, make sure you step in, make sure you talk to the coach, make sure you do whatever you need to keep your daughter safe.

Speaker 0: 4:11

In this episode we are talking more specifically about just teammates that are negative and that could mean that your daughter just does not jive with that teammate's personality, because sometimes, you know, some of the actions that some athletes display as a result of being super competitive or super intense can come across as negative and that, can, you know, impact how your athlete feels around that person. Okay, so just differing personalities. Or maybe she is doing things like her body language is negative, she's rolling her eyes, maybe she's making like little jabs at your daughter, like little comments, maybe your daughter is suspecting or is hearing from other people that this person is saying things behind her back. You know like stuff like that, but you're like, okay, classic teen, teenage drama, how to help your daughter in those situations. Okay, I like to start big picture here and actually I just talked about this topic in depth.

Speaker 0: 5:01

Inside our community of moms in the elite mental game. So a couple of times a month we go in and we do a deep dive on trainings that they want to hear about. So I just went like deep into this and talked about all different scenarios that moms are talking about and overall I do want to start like big picture and then we'll get a little bit more specific and a little bit more nuanced as we go. So big picture is this it's okay that your daughter has negative teammates on her team. In fact, this could be a good thing Because, let's be honest, let's be real right, she's going to interact with a lot of different people in her life and that's one of the beautiful things about sports.

Speaker 0: 5:33

The beautiful things about being a part of a team sport or a sport where she has other people around her teammates is that she gets to interact with a lot of different people and she has to figure out how to work with them, and that is how it works in life. She's going to interact and she's going to run into people in her life that are rude, negative, all the things, and so the earlier the better to help her figure out what she can do in those situations and what is in her control and out of her control. And so I do want to just come out the gate with a mindset shift around this that like, oh, why is this happening? And that also is going to influence how your daughter sees this situation, because ultimately we want to raise kids who come against challenges and are like, okay, what can I do here, feeling empowered, how can I solve this problem? What's in my control? Versus why is this happening?

Speaker 0: 6:16

To me, she's the reason for blah blah, blah, blah blah and kind of getting into like this victim mindset. And if you start out with the mindset of, okay, there's an opportunity here, yeah, it's not the greatest, but you know what? We're gonna figure out where the lesson is. We're going to take control of what we can do in this situation. That's going to impact how she views this situation overall, okay, and so we're really towing this line of helping her and teaching her hold firm and stand firm and who she is and I know she's trying to figure out that as a teen or a tween, right, but also navigating the dynamics of a team. And it's tough, like she's. You know it's very social sometimes in these team settings, for a good reason it's supposed to be, but also, you know, there's a social hierarchy and there's a lot that goes into it. But that's ultimately what we're trying to get to is like, okay, can you stand firm and who you are, and also hear some skills on how you can navigate? Okay. So we're going to talk about things that you can do and then things that she can do, and some of these concepts are pulled out of our bonus training inside our program called Rise Above Team-Aid Drama. So we have a bonus that is included in the Elite Mental Game and that is how to Rise Above Team-Aid Drama. There's another half of it. That's how to thrive under challenging coaches, because it's like super common. And so she, your athlete, has her own training to go through as it relates to this topic, and then you also have your training to know how to navigate it. So I'm pulling some of this from that training.

Speaker 0: 7:34

So for you, what you can do in this situation say, your daughter's coming to you and she's, like you know, susie is just really negative, like I made a mistake and she rolled her eyes at me. Or I made a mistake, I did this thing, and she said to me like don't do that again. Or you know, like, make sure you do this. She's coaching me. Okay, whatever the situation is when you're carrying this, I want you to stay calm as best you can and avoid any like knee jerk reactions, because sometimes it's easy to be like, well, she shouldn't be treating you like that and kind of get into the drama with her. Okay, just listen, I have her explain, repeat back what you hear. Okay, ask, is this right? Okay, you were at practice. You shanked a ball and then she came up to you. What did she say to you? Okay, like, just kind of replay it for her and validate like oh, yeah. Okay, that makes sense that you would feel a little bit hurt by that. All right, don't jump to conclusions, don't jump into the drama. Okay, don't go call her mom. All of these things, all right, save those like the texts and the calls and all that for when it like, really really matters.

Speaker 0: 8:32

Your goal is to be the source of strength and the source of reason in this situation. Okay, empathize and then also realize it's a good opportunity to tell your daughter. You know what sometimes the most hurtful, rude people give us the best examples of how not to be. You know, I know I'm sorry that you're on the receiving end of that, and that's that's we're going to talk about how you can move forward. But, honestly, the one of the best things that can come of this is that you now know how you don't want to treat people, because you know how that feels. Okay, and then you can help our brainstorm, right?

Speaker 0: 9:01

A great question that we always coach our moms on is do you want me just to listen? Totally, can you can continue talking about this, I can listen all day or do you want me to help you come up with a solution? You know, help you move forward, okay, and other questions you can ask are what do you want to do? All right, yeah, this sounds hard. What do you want to do? What do you want me to do? Or how do you want to handle this? Okay, and just having her reflect, because I'm sure you have a lot of things that you can suggest to her. You probably have your wheels turning like, well, you need to say this, and next time it happens, you need to do this. Ask your daughter how do you want to handle this? She likely has some opinions about this. Right, and helping her be a problem solver, rather than you just telling her what to think and you giving her the solutions is actually going to help her when she encounters a situation like this in the next season or, you know, in a different setting as well?

Speaker 0: 9:42

Okay, and then, just reiterating that you know what. You can't control what other people do and I'm not saying that she needs to be a doormat. We'll talk about, like, some things and some strategies that she can do so that she's not getting, like you know, tossed around, but you can't control other people. All right, this is teaching you how you don't want to be. And then also, if you retaliate, you can't control what other people do. Okay, or you're mean and rude back. Can you do those things? You're not better than her now.

Speaker 0: 10:03

Okay, and the reason why people do things like this, reason why people say things like this, reason why people react like this, is for a variety of reasons, but it says more about her than it does you. Okay, and even asking your daughter to like, look into that a little bit, like, why do you think she might be reacting this way? Okay, there's always a bigger story. There's always a reason, okay, and also there's other perspectives and, like I've said before, you know what could come across as rude, might be an athlete being intense, okay, and not to say that that athlete is justified in their behavior. They're just intense or they're just competitive. That doesn't mean that they can spew off on your daughter and like saying things that are hurtful. However, know that there are other perspectives to this. There's your daughter's perspective, there's your perspective, there's the other athlete's perspective, there's the teammates, there's the coach, like there's a lot of different perspectives here, and so we can just recognize that you see a little piece of the pie and helping your daughter with her part of it is really where you can move the needle the most Okay. So that is what I want you to focus on first. Okay, it's just being that listener, validator, like you know, asking her what do you want to do about the situation, what do you want me to do? And then, moving forward from there.

Speaker 0: 11:08

What we teach athletes is very much an inside out approach. Okay, when we say inside out, it starts with them. The stronger her mental game is, the more that she has skills of confidence, the more that she knows what her goals are, the more that she actually has her mental game on lock and is focusing in practice, in training, in competitions, the less distracted she's going to be by other people around her, even negative teammates, okay. So we always tell athletes to get back to what's in your control your effort, your attitude, your mindset Okay. And also do not let other people tell you how to feel about yourself.

Speaker 0: 11:41

We tell athletes it's like you have an imaginary energy battery inside of you that's full. It's charged up when you go to practice and do not give your energy to energy vampires and people who are going to suck your energy. Okay, you get to choose what you focus on, and what you focus on expands. Where your focus goes, your energy flows. So if your energy is going to go and your focus is going to go to these negative people, all right, your energy is going to be drained there. If your focus goes to your teammates who are positive your maybe it's just one, but the things that are going well, your energy is going to be replenished and it's going to feel a lot better. And you ultimately get to decide. And our brain likes negative. We like to see the negative, we like to dig into the drama. We like to guess what she did today, okay, but the more we do that, the bigger it's going to get and you can help us, mom to help direct that. Okay.

Speaker 0: 12:27

The other thing is, you know, establish boundaries. We tell athletes you don't have to be best friends with your teammates. Okay, like you have to figure out a working relationship with her, but you can ignore her when she says something rude to you. Okay, you don't have to go out of your way to spend a lot of time with her. You can set boundaries, be respectful, be cordial. You know you can go out of your way, to the old phrase kill them with kindness, like what if you were to be for practice? Be like, hey, how was your day? You know, soften just the interaction off the get. Go. Okay, you can do those things, but you don't have to be best friends with her. And it's okay if not everyone likes you, right, and so just helping her get back to that and then also realizing that other people's behavior says more about them than it does for you. Likely this has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with her and it could be for a variety of reasons.

Speaker 0: 13:08

Sometimes athletes do you know, especially I see this in the girls sports world, unfortunately a lot is like when you start to do well, you start to excel. You know, like to pull each other down a little bit and be like oh, it makes me feel better if I'm like critiquing you or pulling you down. Okay, again, an opportunity for your daughter to not be that person. If she's in that situation Also, for whatever reason, like she might have things going on that are bigger than what we realize, right, and it's causing her to react that way, again, not justifying the behavior, but also realizing that, hey, there's more to the story than I probably know says more about her than it does me. Okay, another way to say it Don't take it personally, okay, no.

Speaker 0: 13:41

The other thing about we teach athletes is be the teammate that you wish she was, if you wish she was kind, if you wish she was encouraging. Be that, okay. If you meet rudeness with rudeness, you're not any better than her, okay, and you're actually making things worse. The other thing we teach athletes is okay, you can actually assert yourself, you can stand up for yourself and there are things that you can say in those moments and this sometimes makes athletes really uncomfortable. But teaching them skills to be assertive and those situations can also communicate how you are allowed to treat me. You know this is something that even as adults like I start a little with this too, even as an adult, teaching people how to treat me Right, and the way that you do that is by not tolerating certain things or, you know, saying things in those moments or reacting in a way that communicates. That is not how you talk to me, okay.

Speaker 0: 14:28

And so we teach athletes things like just telling those teammates in those moments if there's something negative that's coming across, depending on the setting, you know, like if it's in a game, it's hard, you can't really like stop and talk, okay, but maybe it's in a situation where she does have a moment, okay. But just saying, like you know we heard something hurtful, and just asking, can you say that again? Well, what did you say, you know? And just helping that person realize like hey, saying it again actually can stop them in their tracks and help them realize like, whoa, what did I just say? All right, or that felt hurtful. What did you mean by that? All right, a little bit more intense. Don't make comments like that or speak to me in that way.

Speaker 0: 15:00

Another thing, calling out behavior I noticed you were rolling your eyes. You looked frustrated. Was there something that you wanted to talk to me about and so it's just calling out to be here. It's confronted, you know. It's just saying like this is what I'm noticing Did you want to talk? Okay, and teaching your athletes?

Speaker 0: 15:12

Having these phrases and I shared with the mom group when I was talking about this with the moms I'm like this makes me a little uncomfortable because as a person and you know we get this message as to, as women that you know, don't rock the boat, just go along. You know all this and, of course, your daughter absolutely has the option to ignore. She does. She doesn't have to say anything, okay, but these are some things that she can say to help strengthen that assertive muscle and to also just subtly treat people or tell people how it is okay for them to treat you, okay.

Speaker 0: 15:43

Now, of course, as I said at the beginning, if this goes into bullying, if you feel like your daughter is being bullied, like step in contact the coach, make sure that she is in a safe environment. But these are just those skills that, honestly, I wish I would have learned when I was younger and this is what we teach girls inside our program to stand up for themselves in small ways. It doesn't have to be a huge like confrontation, right, and we teach them also like conflict resolution skills, if there doesn't need to be a sit down thing or face to face, but even several things around, like can you repeat that or that felt hurtful, what did you mean by that? Okay, those are the cues of this. You know that wasn't okay for me, but let's talk about it. All right, and that helps communicate. You know how they should be treated, all right.

Speaker 0: 16:21

Now there are more, more ways that we can go, because I know that this is nuanced right In their situations where it's like, well, we should probably have a conversation or maybe we do need to bring in the other parent, all these things. But this is the starting point really focusing on what your daughter can control. The stronger her mental game is, the stronger her skills are to navigate conflict, the stronger her skills are to know what she wants and how to move through practice, how to move through training. Really focusing on what she wants to focus on, the more she's going to be successful in these situations and the less she's going to be pulled down by these negative influences. So I hope this is helpful, especially as a starting point what you can do as a parent.

Speaker 0: 16:59

The big picture here that hey, this is an opportunity, and that's the beautiful thing about sports is she gets lots of opportunities to practice these real world skills and she has to have those mental skills in order to navigate this the best. And if you want to dive deeper into how to give her these mental skills, we actually talk about this on our free training for sports moms. That's at trainhergamecom. That's also where we talk about and give you that bonus of rise above teammate drama at that training. We talk about that opportunity as well, so that's at trainhergamecom. All right, moms, I am coach Brie, a mental performance coach for girl athletes, and I will see you in the next episode of the Raising Elite Competitors podcast.