Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome back to the Raising Elite Competitors podcast. I'm Coach Brie, a mental performance coach for girl athletes, and I am excited that you're here for our fourth part of our Summer Confidence Series. Here we are, people, part four of four. If you haven't already listened to parts one, two and three, you can go back and listen to those. Can I set the stage for this? And where we're going today is a place where we're going to ruffle some feathers. So buckle up. Here we go Now.

Speaker 1: 0:26

Before we get into today's episode, a couple of things. First, if you haven't already subscribed to the podcast, go ahead and do that. Do that now. It helps you out because you never miss an episode. It helps us out because our reach can expand and we can bring on amazing guests and help you out. And while you're at it, if you can review the podcast, that would help us out as well. And while you're at it, if you want to give like, get an extra A plus, extra credit for your high achiever, send a link of your favorite episode, or just this episode, to one of your friends. Just text down over to them. I know when my friends text me an episode from a podcast, it's the one I like immediately queue up and listen to. So a recommendation from you to another sports parent would be so amazing.

Speaker 1: 1:08

All right, before we get into this episode, like I said, that's going to ruffle some feathers because we're talking about mental toughness and how it's overrated. But I want to give a shout out to a mom in our community. Her name is Shelly. She texted us this the other day. Her daughter is in our program, the Elite Mental Game. This is our self-paced program for girl athletes, proven to strengthen their mental game and confidence. It's also for parents, so sports parents also go through their side of the program and learn the skills and tools needed to support their athletes and not ruin their sports journey. And Shelly said this the other day she goes. I already noticed a difference in my daughter when she's at practice. She's more focused and it's getting less frustrated with herself. I saw a moment where she had a few mistakes in a row, took a moment to reset and then came back strong. She told me herself the program is helping and she has more confidence. I mean, I don't know what more proof you need. That is amazing, shelly, and this actually is really in line with what we're talking about today with mental toughness. Now, the mental toughness approach I don't want to get too ahead of myself, but the mental toughness approach in this situation, where you would see your daughter make a couple of mistakes in a row, would be like suck it up, you know, push it down and honestly, like telling athletes that actually makes them more tense, more nervous and then susceptible to making more mistakes. But we use a different approach. And so seeing this in your athlete, like instead of shutting down after mistakes, seeing her pause, reset and then come back strong what a difference and how amazing. So congratulations, shelly, super proud of you, super proud of your daughter. I can't wait to hear more updates as you go through the program.

Speaker 1: 2:40

All right, without further ado, let's get into part four of four of our summer confidence series. We're talking about how to build confidence in your athlete so that she can go back to her sport this next season strong, without being held back by the struggles of last season. And in this fourth part, we're talking about why mental toughness is overrated and even deeper than that. What you can do instead and the opposite of that is honestly to be her safe space. And if you're like, oh, that sounds very mushy and are we creating like fragile snowflakes? No, we are not, and I'll explain why here in a second.

Speaker 1: 3:15

But let's first talk about being mentally tough. Okay, the most common advice in the sports world is that athletes need to be mentally tough. And if you were an athlete I know I was you kind of had this like advice thrown around and, honestly, it's outdated and it's harmful and it doesn't work to build confidence and mental strength in athletes. In fact, it does the opposite of what's intended to do. So you know, if you're a parent like me who's grown up in a generation where there was a lot of like mental toughness, suck it up, grind harder we often mimic, like what we have heard from other coaches or from the sports world. And so when parents say things like grind harder right, no pain, no gain, just got to work harder. Or suck it up, it's not that bad, Move on to the next play.

Speaker 1: 3:58

Or don't show emotion, right, there's no crying in baseball. I just watched that movie recently, league of their Own Good movie. But you know, there's no crying in baseball. It's like you're going to have emotions, right, your athlete's going to have emotions, and then she gets kind of hit with this like you shouldn't show emotion. What does she do with it? All right, she just shuts it down, she ignores it, and that commonly leads to more anxiety. I'm going to read you some things that were pulled directly from athletes who are starting our program. So we do a little intake survey to see where they're at. And an athlete said the other day I put a lot of pressure on myself and have anxiety and panic attacks before races. So as a result of this like pressure, like I'm experiencing some pressure, but I'm just told, like you shouldn't feel that, shut it off I get more anxiety and then I have panic attacks.

Speaker 1: 4:42

Perfectionism An athlete said I'm a perfectionist and I tend to think a lot of people are better than me and no matter how hard I try, I won't be good enough. Okay, so that's not necessarily good, but depressed move mood when I fail. I continue to think about it days on end and get really embarrassed. Okay, so you fail, come on, suck it up, move on. And it's like well, how do I do that? And so instead, athletes are thinking on it for days on end, getting embarrassed, burnout, right when athletes said I'm losing my love for my sports Okay, we see that over and over with athletes and typically it is rooted in this lack of skill, lack of ability to navigate the normal parts of being an athlete, and this honestly damages your relationship with her.

Speaker 1: 5:28

When we are enforcing these things around mental toughness and that you just need to be tougher and you just have to ignore the pain, grind through, that's the old way and there's a better way. You can actually replace this outdated, harmful air quotes advice with a proven process to build her mental game without sacrificing her mental health in the process. Plus, you can be her go-to space where she feels safe and supported. Okay, that is part of your role. So here's what it looks like to build your daughter's confidence and also your relationship without this whole like be mentally tough, ignore your feelings, grind through. We use our what to say challenge to do this. Now, if you've heard of this, this is our process of what to say to your athlete during every phase of her sport, so that you're not just relying on things like suck it up.

Speaker 1: 6:20

Okay, then the crux of this is staying in your role as a sports parent. So, in her sport, there are four main roles there's the athlete herself, the coach, the ref, the parent. Your role is chosen for you. Okay, you're not the athlete anymore. This is her journey, let it be her journey. You're not the coach. If you literally are the coach your daughter's team then obviously there's some things that you can do, but one of the first thing is that you have to nail the parent role. Okay, that is what's going to make you a good coach slash parent is if you first understand what your role is as a parent. You're not the ref, you're not on the sideline making the calls, you are the parent. There's two things in your control you shape the environment and you provide the opportunities. Okay, you shape the environment through what you say to her, but also what you say about yourself. We talked a lot about that in part three and so if you want to refresh on that, go to part three. That's where you talk.

Speaker 1: 7:08

We dive into, like, your self-talk and what you say a lot about yourself and how that impacts your daughter's confidence. But the first part of the what to say challenge and this literally is a four day challenge that moms go through and set our program they start off our program doing the what to say challenge because it impacts their daughter's confidence so much. But the first part of this there's four parts when it comes to your daughter's sport. Right, there's four roles, but there's also four like main phases, and the first one is her day-to-day. Honestly, this is where your daughter spends most of her time. It's actually not playing her sport. Right, she goes to practice for a couple hours, she plays game or is in a competition, but, honestly, most of her life is not playing her sport.

Speaker 1: 7:45

So it's really important that we actually utilize this time when she's not playing to empower her to use language that highlights her positive inequalities we call these her PIQs to reaffirm who she is beyond what she does in her sport. So a lot of athletes actually link their self-worth to their achievements in their sport, and this is problematic because their achievements and their outcomes are up and down and all over the place, and so they're tying their confidence and their self-worth to outcomes. And then they're on this roller coaster and they're like I don't like myself and I'm terrible. And when they lose, and then when they win, they're like oh my gosh, I'm the best, and it's just this up and down. We actually don't want her to be tying her self-worth to her achievements. Okay, and when we, as parents, identify what her positive innate qualities, who she is, beyond what she does in her sport, we actually build the foundation of her confidence and your relationship with her. So one of our moms who recently went through the what to say challenge inside our program said the PIQ conversations were awesome, short but definitely caught her attention positively. I told her she was tenacious and I admire that in her. She wanted me to explain what I meant and she smiled.

Speaker 1: 8:52

Athletes eat this up and it's not you just blowing smoke at them. You are literally seeing them for who they are, beyond what they do in their sport. This is literally life and game changing. When you can do this, when you can see her beyond what she does in her sport and, honestly, if you're always talking about her sport and always talking about that's one of the red flags that you're being overbearing, that you're placing way too much emphasis on her sport, her achievement, and when athletes link their praise and recognition from you also to their achievement, that becomes problematic with their relationship with you. That is the first part of our what to say challenge is these day-to-day confidence boosters, that where you can infuse confidence in your athlete and de-link who she is from what she does, which actually makes her more confident and allows her to enter sport with that sturdiness where she's not relying so much on, like I have to perform well because my self-worth and my relationship with my parent is hinging on this. Now, they would probably never consciously think that, but that's what's happening at the subconscious level.

Speaker 1: 9:47

Okay, the second part to our what to say challenge is the pregame pep talks that work. So if you've ever fallen into the trap of telling her to just be confident or don't be nervous or just be mentally tough, these aren't working and you already know that. Okay. So using strategies in this pregame pep talk, pregame time, where you're talking to her, such as name it to team it, and using pregame phrases that connect to what's in her control, allows her to use these butterflies for good. Okay, so name it to team it. You're feeling anxious, just calling it out, naming it Like when we avoid how she's actually feeling, then she's going to feel like she's not supposed to be feeling that one. Very naturally, this is a response that should be happening. Okay, this matters to her. So she's going to feel nervous, she's going to feel butterflies, and so name entertainment is great using pregame phrases, and we actually have entire scripts where we lay it out Like these are things that are really good for you to say before your athlete competes. That will build her confidence. And actually we give you that script bank for free when you join our free training. So trainhergamecom is where you go to register for that. We go deeper into what we're talking about today and our four-part summer confidence series and we also give you a free 25 key phrases PDF where you just have like a cheat sheet of phrases. Also give you a free 25 key phrases PDF where you just have like a cheat sheet of phrases. So using these phrases really are a game changer, and one of our moms, cindy, said it has been a huge help for me knowing what my daughter needs from me pre game and post game and, importantly, realizing that my so-called pregame speeches, as my daughter calls them, are not actually helpful at all. Right, and so when you get this feedback from your daughter and you actually have pep talks and you know speeches, if you will that work, you are helping your athlete feel more confident before she goes out there and she plays.

Speaker 1: 11:31

Okay, the third part of the what to say challenge is keeping her in the zone during competition. Okay, we don't want to be that parent on the sideline. You all know who I'm talking about. Okay, your daughter needs you to keep her in the zone, be regulated and then handle whatever comes at her in her sport and, honestly, a lot of that means that you need to be aware of what your body language is doing on the sidelines. You need to be aware of what she needs from you. Do you need to be the hype parent? Are you the calm parent? And when your daughter shares this and honestly just asking her, what do you need from me during competition, I want to be the best support to you. What's helpful, what's not? Shanique the other day said this yes, my daughter has spoken to me on how I can best support her during swim meets. Okay, things to do, not to do. I'm becoming a supportive mind or, sorry, I'm becoming a supportive mom and I am so grateful. So this during game, keeping her in the zone during competition is obviously a really key part and, honestly, you don't have to do a whole lot like ask her and then your job is to balance that with your personality and who you are. But I'll tell you right now if you're yelling at her, if you're coaching from the sidelines, if you're being that parent, you're actually damaging her relationship with the coach and potentially also her relationship with you. You're driving a wedge in both of those relationships and it likely is not helpful.

Speaker 1: 12:44

Okay, the last part of this is the post-competition script. So during this post-competition time it's a very important time. Often your athletes a little bit who knows it could be feeling excited, could be feeling not so excited, could be beating yourself up, could be proud of herself. There's kind of the whole gamut. And, honestly, when your daughter plays well, it's actually a missed opportunity that a lot of parents can be using to build her confidence. Because when she plays well, we're obviously like yay, okay, good, woof, okay, we can enjoy the car ride home and then we move on. But when we can recognize when our athletes play well and then connect that performance back to what's in their control, that's also confidence building instead of just being excited for the outcome and the achievements alone.

Speaker 1: 13:25

But post-competition scripts are key. So allowing her to lead the conversation and validate her feelings so that you're her safe space to process is so important. When we jump in with a bunch of questions, we jump in with criticism, we cause her to back away from us, potentially shut down, and so these post-conversation conversations can be actually something that you both look forward to and as moments that bring you closer together. When you have the right words to say in these moments, okay, so validating how she's feeling, right, no matter what that feeling is, giving her space to process, not pushing things, not asking a bunch of questions, and when you do ask questions, they're open-ended and they're allowing her to reflect on her experience. Like all of these are what moms learn inside our program to ensure that these post-competition car rides are productive, and one of our moms who did the what's Say challenge inside our program said you know what, after the game, I named the emotion, I acknowledged her feelings.

Speaker 1: 14:19

She paused, looked a little confused and kept talking. I usually actually say the wrong thing and she stops talking. So this is proof that when you have those right words to say and you open the space and you validate how she's feeling, she actually will continue to share and talk with you, which is amazing, right? You want her to keep coming to you as that safe space where she can feel comfortable, like sharing, sharing, and you're not going to shut her down, you're not going to try and get her to feel a certain way, and that's how you actually end the what to say dilemma and strengthen your relationship with your daughter.

Speaker 1: 14:50

And Riley's one of our athletes. She said this recently. She not only said I'm noticing, I'm letting my, I'm letting my feelings pass as I move through practices. Even if I have a rough start, I'm not feeling motivated, I don't stay in that space for longer than needed. Talk about true mental toughness there. Okay, also, my mom's been more helpful when discussing my feelings and emotions surrounding my sport and my life in general. So what an amazing compliment to her mom. Right, riley saying this about her mom that she's really turned into her safe space. And this is how you build a mentally strong athlete who is not just this quote unquote mentally tough athlete who ignores her feelings and doesn't actually know how to move through challenges and then turns into an adult that crumbles at the face of challenges. You're actually setting your athlete up for success, not just for her sport but for her life.

Speaker 1: 15:40

And what a sense of relief as a parent myself like that is. That is ultimately what I want for my daughter. That's why I have her in sports. That's why I have her training her mind. I'm not training her just for soccer training for her for those moments and equipping her with skills and strengthening our relationship for those moments where she gets rejected from a friend group, when she doesn't get the job that she wants, that she tried really hard for, when she loses somebody in her life, those are the real things and we want our athletes, we want our daughters, to face those things with confidence, with skills, instead of giving up okay, feeling like something's wrong with them, losing their sense of worth, all right. And so that is what really gives me a sense of relief as a parent, knowing like she's got it. I'm doing my part, creating that space for her. She has the skills she needs. It's not going to be easy. All the time she's have challenges, but she's got it, and that's ultimately how you raise an athlete, raise a daughter who is confident and well adjusted. So we are wrapping up.

Speaker 1: 16:44

That is part four of our four-part Summer Confidence Series. Like I said, if you haven't already watched parts one through three or listened to parts one through three, go back and listen to those so that you kind of get the full picture. I'm going to leave you with a couple of resources as we round this out. If you head to trainhergamecom, you can join our free training for sports moms, where we actually go a little bit deeper into all these confidence building techniques that we've talked about. If you are ready to jump inside the elite mental game with us, you want your daughter to go through our self-paced program so that she can build these mental skills.

Speaker 1: 17:09

This is a self-paced program, but it's lifetime access and proven to strengthen her mental game and confidence. She can access it on any device anywhere and, like I said, on any device anywhere and, like I said, she's got lifetime access to all the content. She also has coaching from me and from our team inside the program, and then you also get the support that you need to know exactly what to say and do to help your athlete. If you're ready for that, we are giving a $400 discount in celebration of our four-part Summer Confidence Series. So I have the link to that below inside the show notes, where you can grab the program for $400 off. So I'll leave you with that. All right, moms, I hope this is helpful. I am Coach Bree, a mental performance coach for girl athletes, and I will see you in the next episode.