Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome back to the Raising Elite Competitors podcast. I'm Coach Brie, a mental performance coach for girl athletes, and I am so excited that you're here. Whether you are just getting going on your sports journey with your athlete, or maybe you have a lot of seasons under your belt, this podcast is for you. To help you know how to raise a confident, mentally strong girl athlete. And one of the ways that your athlete can become mentally strong and confident is through how she deals with negativity, especially negativity that's coming from a coach or a teammate. It's bound to happen, if it hasn't already, in her sports career. So we're going to talk today about how you can help her navigate that without it allowing her to lose her confidence in the process. So we're going to get into it, but before I do, I want to give a shout out to a mom and an athlete inside our community. These two are going through the elite mental game, which is our signature self-paced mental training program, proven to build confidence and mental strength in your athlete, and Kim is her name. She messaged us the other day. She said my daughter has played really well and kept a great attitude when her team is struggling. Last night she didn't get to go in to play a game that really mattered. When this has happened before, she's been really upset and it's messed with her head a lot. That's why we're in this program. She was disappointed but said her coach told her she wasn't being aggressive enough and she'll do better today. Now I do think that's something that he maybe could have quickly told her between games. But she's focusing on what she can control and I'm really proud of her. All right, this is a common situation that I'm sure your daughter has been in. If she plays a team sport, she doesn't get into the game or she's confused as to why she's not playing, and typically this leads to a lot of frustration and disappointment in athletes and they make up stories of why and typically it goes to well, I'm not good enough, my coach doesn't like me. This is an example of how an athlete can navigate that without going down that spiral, just focusing on what's in her control, focusing on getting to work in the next practice on that, instead of staying in that negative, stuck place. So congratulations to some an athlete that is huge, super proud of you. All right, let's get into today's episode talking about how to help your athlete deal with negative coaching without allowing it to impact her performance confidence negatively.

Speaker 1: 2:12

Now, the key here that I want to hit on first is when we talk about negative coaching. I want to be really clear. This is not abusive coaching. Sometimes the line can get gray, but we classify abusive coaching, along with the safe sport guidelines, as anything that is unsafe. So if a coach is being physically abusive to an athlete, they're being verbally abusive, so they're not just using like condescending tone, but they're calling them names. They're using derogatory language, like any of that, and just creating an unsafe environment for an athlete to show up in. That's not what I'm talking about. You obviously need to step in in that situation right away and make sure that your athlete is safe.

Speaker 1: 2:50

When we say negative coaching this is just kind of a common thing that we hear in our community is that, oh well, this coach isn't very positive. Like they focus on the negative, they're critical. You know, like all of that type of stuff is pretty common and a lot of times we focus in on the coach themselves, like the coach needs to change, and whether or not you think that's true, that's not. That's a harder path to go down, like this path that I'm going to figure out how to get the coach to change their approach versus there's a lot of things that the athlete can do themselves to navigate that type of coaching, and that's what we're going to focus in on today.

Speaker 1: 3:25

And the first thing I want to hit on is, as a parent and as an athlete, is to avoid getting into a victim mindset when it comes to this situation. As I kind of hit on already, it's very easy to fall into this trap of the reason why my athlete isn't playing well is because their coach is negative. Their coach never points out anything positive. Yeah, it is nice to hear positives and all of that. It's just also putting your athlete in a tough situation If you're going to just put all the blame on the coach.

Speaker 1: 3:52

And then all of a sudden, we're in this situation, this mindset, and athletes are just feeling like, well, it's all the coach's fault and there's nothing I can do about it, so it's just going to be a terrible season and they don't want to go to practice and they're just focusing on how negative their coaches and it's just this really tough spiral to be in. And so I want you to flip your mindset automatically in this situation to hey, you know, maybe it's not what I would choose. You know, that's not maybe how I would coach, and she's had other coaches who have done it in a more positive way. But this is the situation we're in and it's a great opportunity to teach her the skill of resiliency, teach her how to handle people that she doesn't get along with, teach her how to take feedback in a situation that might be a little bit hostile. Those are all great life skills.

Speaker 1: 4:39

Like we can't put our kids in bubbles their whole lives and protect them from every single person who might be negative or use a tone that they don't like. So we're going to avoid right away this victim mindset of you know we're just the victim of this negative coaching experience and it's all their fault. Okay, because we're teaching our athlete how to handle situations by how we respond to them. So one of the really easy ways that you can make sure you're not doing this is not to speak negatively about the coach in front of your athlete. I've said this a few times in a few different ways in other podcast episodes, but when your athlete hits up against a challenge or they have a situation that they're like I don't really like this, or this is hard, this is difficult. And then your automatic response is, yeah, they shouldn't be doing that, or why would they do that? And just going down this like complainy, gossipy road with them just teaches them and models for them what they should do in that challenging situation when they hit up against it in the future. Like, well, this is what's modeled to me, so automatically I'm gonna complain, I'm gonna blame, I'm gonna deflect. That's not to say that we can't be like disappointed or have feelings about things, but if the automatic response is just complaining, blaming, deflecting, like bad mouthing, like it's no surprise that there's teammate drama, when parents do that right, it's because they're just being they. When parents do that right, it's because they're just being, they're just doing exactly what has been modeled for them.

Speaker 1: 5:57

So do your best to, in those situations, to not speak negatively about this coach. Okay, that doesn't mean you can't have your opinions and talk to your partner, other people about it, but you put a, you put your athlete in a really tough position. If you're bad-mouthing the coach and then expecting her to respect her coach or have a good relationship with them, okay, you're just. That's just very confusing. And so do your best to listen, ask curious questions about what's going on. What are specific situations where your athlete is talking about? And well, what? How did the coach respond? How do you wish they would have responded? Okay, how can we look at this different? We'll go into more strategies as we go, but do your best to kind of be a neutral observer of the situation and keep in mind that challenges and negative coaching isn't necessarily a bad thing for your athlete. This could actually be a thing that helps them take coaching better, prepares them for the levels that they're going to be experiencing. So just automatically, right off the gate, let's have that mindset shift as parents that we're not going to be victims to this. We're going to be problem solvers. We're going to figure out how to be resilient. We're going to equip our athlete with skills so that she can navigate this. Okay. So that's the first one.

Speaker 1: 7:00

Number two teach your daughter to focus on what's in her control. In these situations, like I said, it's way easier for us to focus on what's out of our control. It's way easier to focus on other people's flaws and just kind of sit in that space, but that does not do any good for your athlete. And so even just asking her the question or posing it as like wow, yeah, it sounds like this is difficult. It sounds like you want some more positive feedback from your coach and you're not getting it. Hey, it sounds like, also, there's a lot that's out of your control in this situation. You can't control the personality of your coach. You can't control what they choose to coach and what they choose to focus on. But what is in your control? Let's go down that road. What is in your control?

Speaker 1: 7:36

And we're trying to prompt your athlete to be thinking about the things that are totally in her control in this situation, which are her attitude about it, the way that she internalizes feedback. Okay, so she can listen to what the coach is saying, but not take in and internalize the tone in which they're saying it. Okay, so saying like, hey, you've got to pick up that tip, you've got to get there, okay, that might sound negative to an athlete. Okay, cause they're like, oh gosh, you know they're yelling at me, you know if said in more of a direct yelling tone Okay, I didn't really yell there, but she can internalize the feedback of, yeah, I do need to pick up that tip. Okay, so what can I do? Maybe they're not actually coaching them on how to do that. They're just like getting mad and saying you need to do that. Okay.

Speaker 1: 8:18

Well, your daughter knows how probably what she needs to do. And if she doesn't, she can ask okay, what does she need to do to pick up that tip? Does she need to read better I'm talking volleyball here, by the way does she need to read better? Does she needs to adjust her positioning on defense? And she has no clue. Then we have that conversation with the coach. We say hey, I know I need to pick up that tip. Can you give me some pointers on how I can be more successful in that? Okay, so, if she needs more, instead of just complaining about like they're telling me to do this and I don't know how, they're not telling me how, okay. So focus on what's in her control in these situations. I think that's key. Okay, so that we're not just focusing on what's out of her control, which is the personality of the coach, how they coach, their tone, their language, like all of that is so easy to just blame and complain and be in this space of like, well, there's nothing I can do about it. Well, she can actually do a lot about how she is internalizing feedback, what she's choosing to focus on. All of those things are in her control.

Speaker 1: 9:15

And a side note here sometimes athletes do confuse I'm not saying this is necessarily a case for your athlete, but sometimes athletes do confuse coaching with negative feedback and reminding your daughter that it's the job of her coach to give feedback into critique. That is their job. It's honestly their job to point out the errors and, you know, guide them towards a solution. Not all coaches. You know the common advice in the coaching world is like five or four to one positive to negative feedback but not all coaches do that. Okay, a lot of coaches because we're designed and primed to look for where's the problem and how do we fix it are focusing on that and sometimes athletes internalize that as negativity and there's something wrong with me.

Speaker 1: 9:54

So I think also just adjusting your athlete's perspective, that like if they're coaching you and they're giving feedback to you, it means they care, they are invested in your growth as an athlete and so reminding them that, hey, they're coaching you, they're giving you feedback. It might not be exactly what you want to hear, but it might not be in the tone that you want to hear it. It might be a little negative, but you know what? It's showing that they are invested in your growth as an athlete. And so take the coaching, take the feedback, okay, use it all to make you better, like, every single thing that they give you is an opportunity for you to get better. Okay, and that also is in her control.

Speaker 1: 10:29

So number one was let's not go to the victim mindset. Number two is focus on what's in her control, okay. Number three teach her and remind her that her confidence comes from her, not anyone else. Hey, I hear this sometimes from athletes and it drives me bonkers. They're like my coach cut my confidence or my coach stole my confidence. No one can steal that from you. You gave it to them, okay, so no one can take your confidence. Your confidence comes from you.

Speaker 1: 10:59

And when we have an obsession on looking to external feedback for telling her how she feels about herself, it depends on the coach says that's how she's going to feel about herself, or even a parent, then she's placing all of her confidence in other people and other things, and that's always going to have her on a roller coaster of up and down If she's only looking to her coach. But come on, give me some positive reinforcement, give me some praise, give me some recognition, choose me for the player of the week. You never choose me, you know like she's just putting all of her like worth and feelings about herself into somebody else, and so we don't want her to do that in life. We don't want her to do that in athletics. So, teaching her that her confidence comes from her and that confidence comes from how you're talking about yourself, that confidence comes from focusing on your own goals and your path to improvement. That comes from focusing on your small wins every single day.

Speaker 1: 11:43

In our program, we teach athletes a daily mindset routine that forces them to hunt the good right To write down literally how are you getting better? What's the evidence that you're getting better? That one of your affirmations that we teach them is coming true every day and when her brain is primed to do that, that's where her confidence can come from herself. And that healthy balance of yeah, there are people in my life whose opinion matters, but ultimately, how I feel about myself and my goals and my improvement are what matter most. And so teaching her that no one can take your confidence. You are the creator of your confidence is key, okay, and that's what we really hone in on in our program as well, with athletes that like no teammate, no coach, no parent, nobody has the right to take your confidence and it's up to you if you give it to them or not. Okay, number four coping strategies. We've got five here, so we're on four or five coping strategies.

Speaker 1: 12:31

So in the moment it can be tough to take to hear negative coaching, maybe if it's yelling and being really really critical and just kind of like breaking things down and it's getting tougher and athletes. So that's where it's the key that she has in moment strategies like breath work, like mantras, you know, things that she can go to her snapback routine that we teach in the program. It's a combination of a breath, a reset word, a reset signal, things that can ground her and allow her to like come back to the present moment and remind her that like, hey, I'm good, I can regulate my nervous system in this moment, even when it feels a little bit chaotic. So those are in moment strategies that we teach inside the elite mental game that athletes are armed with when they get into those moments. But out of the moment strategies too, like if this is a common thing where your athlete is like getting rattled by her coach, teaching them to respond like how do they want to respond in that moment? Like the next time the coach yells at me, I am going to take a breath, say my reset word in my mantra, okay. And then even better is to have her visualize that ahead of time, even just a couple of minutes, like, see that moment where she might get a little rattled by the coach and see, have her visualize her self responding to that and the way that she wants to respond to. So those coping strategies and those out of moment strategies as well, are really key to helping her navigate that and not get dysregulated. Okay.

Speaker 1: 13:43

Number five advocate when needed. So obviously we go through one, through four. Those are like where it's at. So, number one avoid the victim mindset right, see this as an opportunity for her to get better. Number two teach her to focus on what's in her control in these situations. Teach her that her confidence comes from within, not from other people. Give her coping strategies in the moment, out of the moment. Another thing with that is have her rely on and lean on her teammates. If she plays a team sport, she's got other people in her circle that she can go to. Like eye contact with those people. You know, like it's not just her out there by herself, and sometimes athletes need to realize that's the case because it can feel very isolating.

Speaker 1: 14:19

Okay, number five is advocate when needed. So maybe it is getting to the point where, like, okay, it might be useful for her to say something to her coach around. You know, I feel maybe like I'm not getting the feedback that I need or whatever it is, whatever concern it is. So you have to know, okay, where is that line. And you know your athlete best. If she is doing all of these things and she's really focusing on what's in her control and she's like. You know, I really could use a different approach from my coach. Like, let's level our expectations here. We're not going to the coach and being and saying you need to change your coaching style, because that's not realistic, okay, but sometimes just advocating and bringing to the coach's attention that, yes, I appreciate all the coaching and all the feedback that you're giving me. It would also be really helpful for me as an athlete If, at the end of practice, you were also able to highlight one thing that I am making progress in. Something like that could be an example or it really helps me as an athlete when you tell me in the next play what I can be focusing on in addition to what I didn't do, right, okay, so that just helps the coach be aware that this is really helpful for me to grow as an athlete when you give me this type of feedback.

Speaker 1: 15:25

So equipping your athlete to advocate for herself and have that conversation with her coach is very hard, very scary. Okay, we give athletes resources inside our program for this. We get parents resources as well on how to like help their athlete initiate that conversation, because it can be pretty intimidating. But hopefully there's opportunities for your daughter to talk to their coach throughout the season. Maybe there's built in times that's what we do in our program is like there's just built in check-ins every other week, but if there's not, it could be just a five minute conversation after a practice.

Speaker 1: 15:49

Like hey, coach, that's something I want to talk to you about. Do you have five minutes after practice for me to chat with you about this? And we tell athletes like lead with positive intent. You know like see the good first. So, hey, I really appreciate the coaching that you're giving me. I'm bringing this up because, and for that reason, I want to share with you. As an athlete, it really helps me when you give me some very specific cues of how I can improve, in addition to how you're coaching me right now, which is where I am lacking in that certain skill.

Speaker 1: 16:17

So that's a just off the cuff example, but we give athlete sentence starters and parents as well. If you need to be a part of that conversation, okay, I hope that this is a helpful just overview of how to navigate this. Again, we go deeper on this topic inside the elite mental game giving athletes resources, giving parents resources. If you want just an overview of things that we teach athletes, the skills that we teach athletes and our approach to mental training. Head to our free training for sports moms at trainhergamecom. We break that all down. We tell you why our approach is different in how we equip athletes with these skills of sports psychology to help them navigate all of the things they face as an athlete, and we also give an overview of our program and including a $400 discount when you join that training. All right, moms, hope this is helpful. I'm Coach Bree and I will see you in the next episode.