Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome back to the Raising Elite Competitors podcast. I'm Coach Bree, a mental performance coach for girl athletes, and I'm so excited that you are here. Whether you are just getting going on your journey as a sports parent, or maybe you're very experienced and you've got a lot of seasons under your belt, this podcast is for you to help you know how to raise a confident, mentally strong girl athlete. And guess what? Part of that journey of becoming a confident, mentally strong girl athlete involves winning but also losing, and we're going to talk today about how to support your athlete's confidence. After she has a bad game, bad performance, she's not happy with how it's going. Typically, what we see after this, what we hear from moms in our community, is she gets in the car with me and she just cannot stop focusing on the negative. She's beating herself up. I don't like to hear it, but I'm not sure what to say because everything I say seems to make it worse. So I'm going to give you a couple of strategies that you can use in those moments to help build our confidence, and what we teach moms and parents inside our community, and also a little bit of what we teach athletes inside our program, the Elite Mental Game on how they can process their performance and the recommendations that we give to parents inside the program when faced with this very common situation. Now, before we jump into it, I do have a shout out. Speaking of the Elite Mental Game, I have an athlete who recently texted us this Within the program, we check in with athletes every week via text and athletes are texting back, and this athlete said this.

Speaker 1: 1:28

She said I noticed that now, when I make a mistake, I don't even have to go through my snapback routine because it has become so natural to learn and let it go. What I love about this is this athlete actually references one of the tools that we teach that very first thing inside the program. It's called the snapback routine. This is just a really useful, tangible tool that athletes use to come back from a mistake. So, instead of spiraling or letting one mistake turn into two or three or four how that all ends up they have a tool that's a combination of a breath, a reset word, a reset gesture that helps ground them in the present moment and then they can just move on to the next play, not being brought down by that last play, and so athletes use this. But what's really cool about what this athlete said is that she doesn't even need to use it anymore, Like it is just natural. It's part of her routine to not dwell on mistakes, just move on next play. And that makes a world of difference in how athletes perform when they're not actually bogged down by the mistakes that they just made, or worried about it, or worried about what might happen. So congratulations to this athlete. Her name is Olivia, by the way. So, olivia, keep it up. Can't wait to hear how things go as you continue to go through the program.

Speaker 1: 2:31

All right, let's get into today's episode talking about strategies to support your athlete. After a bad game, maybe a loss, maybe she doesn't feel like she played well, what can we do in those moments? So I'm going to go over three key things and hopefully you'll leave with some, some really great strategies that you can start implementing. So first one is just to understand what she needs in that moment. So what I mean by this is, after we kind of divide up your athlete's experience into four categories, we have her day to day, like actually when she's not competing in her sport or she's not training, she's not practicing. That's actually where she spends the most amount of time, so just her day-to-day life and what we as parents say during that time makes a big influence on her confidence. But that's not necessarily what we're talking about today. Then we've got pre-competition time, so right before she competes we have during competition, and then we've got post-competition.

Speaker 1: 3:25

So this episode is mostly focused on that post-competition time and including the car ride home. And the car ride home if your athlete is not driving, so she comes in your car with you when she's done with a game or a performance is one of the most memorable in an athlete's career and the sad part about it is that it's not necessarily for a good reason. A lot of athletes have memories of getting in the car with a parent and the parents just asking them a bunch of questions or critiquing them, or it just becomes this like escalated situation and maybe you've been there, maybe you're like oh yeah, the car ride home is definitely rough, like I am trying to figure out what to say before she even gets in the car and everything I say is just wrong. That car ride home is key and if your athlete's not driving, really the post-game timeframe is just anywhere from like when she ends her competition to like even the next day. So there's just that time where she's potentially internalizing a lot of what happened out there, good or bad, so she might be thinking things like that was great, that was terrible, I'm the worst. I just need to vent, I need some food, I need some space. She might be feeling any and all emotions during this time and so, knowing that this is like a key time for her, we encourage you to have a routine so athletes and parents inside our program actually create their own post-competition routine with their athletes, and so that might be as simple as we're just going to go get something to eat afterwards Like that's our routine win or lose, play well, not play well Like we're always going to do the same thing.

Speaker 1: 4:48

For me, I remember my parents and I have talked a lot about my whole like athletic career as a kid, just because of the work that I do and reflecting on it, and now we follow a little bit different research in this area. But they did nail one thing they did a lot of things. Okay, don't get me wrong, but my mom has said countless times like I wish I would have had like your program and your advice when I was going through it with you, because I just felt like I didn't know what to say. But one thing that they did was, like every single time after a game we went to Burgerville. It's like this local burger shake shop in this area area where I live, and I just remember feeling a sense of it doesn't matter how I did, like we're always going to go to Burgerville and even to this day, as an adult, when I go to Burgerville, it just like brings back all of these really good memories of that time with my mom or with my dad, like where it just didn't matter, like didn't matter how the game went. It was that time where I could just connect and be myself and forget about things for a second. Having a routine it doesn't have to be going to get something to eat afterwards, but it's just so simple. But having a routine really helps your athlete know that my performance is not going to determine how my parent treats me. We're going to do the same thing every time, no matter what happens out there.

Speaker 1: 6:03

Now it's also a different conversation when we talk about, like, bribing our kids or paying them for points scored. I will say I'm not a fan of that, but I think I did address that at a different podcast and really the reason why and I wasn't actually planning on going here but when we talk about building confidence in our kids, part of it is that their confidence comes from themselves, their own internal ability to trust themselves, but also their own efforts, things that are in their control. And so when we tie external rewards to their external performance, we are then sending this subconscious message that what matters most is your achievement out there. What matters most is how many goals you score, how many points you earn. All of those things matter and ultimately that's out of their control. The score of the game, how many points they score, their stats like ultimately that is out of their control, especially if they play a team sport because there's so many other factors that go into it there's refs, there's their teammates, there's the other team like, there's so many things, okay. And so we're tying something that ultimately is out of their control to their validation. We're giving them validation on this like achievement, outcome, all of this, and ultimately they can't control that.

Speaker 1: 7:16

And so that's when we see athletes actually like developing some performance anxiety and developing this sense of my worth is my achievement, that's really the only thing that matters. So if I don't play well or I don't hit that mark, then I don't deserve to feel good about myself, I don't deserve to actually have the thing, the affection, the connection, the love that my parent is providing. And so this goes a lot, sometimes like, oh, come on, it's just a fun little bribe and you know it works. Okay, let's just pause. Yeah, maybe I'm not telling you, I had a parent, but I am saying that the research is very clear in this area, that when athletes and when kids are connecting their worth to their achievements, and that secure attachment with their parent is determined by something that they're trying to achieve and it's ultimately out of their control, we're missing the mark. And so we want to shift to what's in their control.

Speaker 1: 8:14

Because when an athlete goes into a competition and they're thinking, I have to score this many goals or have to score this many points, okay, that's where, like, they start to feel out of control because they don't know actually how to do that, because it's out of their control. But if they can shift to, hey, well, all I need to do in this game is show up, give 100%, okay, be a good teammate. My attitude, my effort, my mindset, like all of that is actually in their control. And so when we highlight those things, when we praise those things, when we recognize those things in our kids, that's actually confidence building because they are in control of those things, they're in control of their attitude, they're in control of their effort, they're in control of their mindset right, that those are the things that they can invest all of their energy into. And guess what? Those things, when athletes do actually focus on that, that actually does positively impact the outcome that they get.

Speaker 1: 9:04

So I am just as competitive as probably everyone else that's listening to this podcast. I was a former college athlete. Like I'm a coach who's won a few state championships. I'm very competitive and I will challenge you if you're like well, I just you know I'm super competitive and I want to push my kid to be competitive to and achieve great things. If you truly want to do that, then you're going to shift your focus from all of the outcome things and shift to what's in their control. Highlighting that, okay, so that their self-worth and how they feel about themselves is not connected to how many goals they score, what they're achieving out there, okay.

Speaker 1: 9:38

So I could really go on this topic for a long time, but that actually wasn't the intention of this podcast episode, but I just think it bears repeating because I see so many athletes who come into our program at the beginning and they're like struggling with pre-performance anxiety and perfectionism, and their parents are like I don't know why, I don't know what's, you know, and we kind of have to peel back the layers and we're like okay, well, where are you placing your praise, your emphasis, your feedback, all of those things post game? Are we? What are we focusing on? All right, and so, if we can subtly shift that to things that are in their control I'll give you some scripts in a little bit as we go along with the episode. Those things make a big difference in athletes confidence, their self-efficacy, you know. All of those things go a long way.

Speaker 1: 10:20

Okay, so sorry that was a little bit of a tangent, but where we were going there is have a routine, all right, have a routine that allows her to know like, hey, no matter what happens, my mom, my dad, my parent, they still love me. I know. You're like obviously I still love her, no matter what she does. Athletes get this twisted a lot in their brains and I'm saying this because I see athletes every single day coming into our program and when they fill out these intake forms, they're saying things like I feel like the world is falling apart when I lose, and I'm feeling like I'm losing my joy for the sport and like all of these things. So it matters a lot. I don't think you can ever overstate that. You know what. There's nothing you can do to make me not love you, no matter what you do out there, I've got you, we're in this together. And where do you want to eat? Okay, so I don't think you can overemphasize that with your kids, okay.

Speaker 1: 11:11

So that was kind of all wrapped up into number one understanding what she needs and having a routine. I'll tell you what she doesn't need. Okay, she doesn't need your critiques. She doesn't need you pointing out what she did wrong. She already knows. She doesn't need your opinions or feelings about the game. She doesn't need any of those things, okay.

Speaker 1: 11:27

So I'll tell you right now a little bit about the framework that we teach parents inside our program to help, and this is called the love framework. Okay, l O V E this is a really simple acronym that parents can follow post game to help remind them of. You know what we're doing here, okay, and this is number two. Okay, use the love framework. So love stands for let her lead, that's L. O stands for open the space, v is validate and E is encourage inward. Okay. So we go deeper into these inside the elite mental game on the parent side of the program we give examples of all of this. But the L for let her lead is what I was saying before. You let her kind of be the dictator of how she wants to talk or not. Talk about her competition. All right, you can vibe it out, you can tell kind of what mood she's in, but let her lead that conversation. She might not want to talk right away. O stands for open the space Ties into having a routine.

Speaker 1: 12:26

So opening the space really means if you want to go somewhere to get something to eat, if you want to, you know that car ride home just having space for her to be. And those of you with teens know that sometimes it's in that moment afterwards that they don't want to talk, they don't want to say anything. But it will be at like 1130 at night before you're going to bed and now all of a sudden they're coming into your room and, like you know, wanting to chat about things. But if you come at her right away and you're asking a bunch of questions and you're critiquing and you're criticizing, she's not actually going to want to open up to you and she's probably not going to come later at night to have that conversation with you. She's probably going to be like I don't actually want to be near you at all, and that's the opposite of the goal. That we want is that for her to understand that you can be her safe space in these moments.

Speaker 1: 13:08

Okay, v is to validate. So we talk a lot about how important it is to not just try and fix our kids' emotions in these times when she is struggling post-game. And validating is not the same as agreeing. So sometimes athletes are coming in and to the car and they're like I'm suck, I'm the worst one on the team. That was terrible. Hey. Validating doesn't sound like yeah, you're right, like you do, and you are the worst one. No. Validating sounds something like oh, you sound frustrated, okay. Or just repeating what she's saying, mirroring back Okay, you worked really hard and you really wanted that, and you sound disappointed right now and how things went, okay. So it's just like reframe. Not just reframing, but like being the mirror for her emotion that she is experiencing.

Speaker 1: 13:51

Okay, another great phrase that we teach moms in a program is, especially if you don't want to like, agree with her that she's the worst around the team, saying something like you and I both know that's not true, you know, creating a little space and recognizing like, hey, I don't agree with that, but it would be tough to feel like that. Okay, so the statement might not be true that she's saying, but the feeling is how she's feeling in that moment is a hundred percent valid. And so we're trying to validate how she's feeling, because at its root, confidence is self-trust and your athlete is trusting herself and she's coming to you with real, legit feelings and emotions. And when we try and tell her you shouldn't be feeling that way or that's not how you should be acting afterwards, we're actually undermining her confidence, because how she's feeling is true, and so let's validate that. Okay, e stands for encourage inward. This is where we teach parents to ask these open-ended questions If she is willing to talk about the game or if she wants to talk about the game, because a lot of times athletes are looking for that external validation, especially if you are in the habit of giving her some sort of report of how she did after a game, okay. But we actually want her to look inward for her validation, to productively process how she did Inside the Elite Mental Game.

Speaker 1: 14:57

Athletes learn their post-competition routine. It's like a quick routine that they do within 12 hours of competing to help them evaluate how they did objectively. So taking away the judgment and just looking at the facts like I missed five serves, that's fact, okay. Judgment is I missed five serves and I'm the worst server on the team. No, we don't need all of that. It's okay. I missed five serves. What could have been going on there? And then we can go to a more place of like productivity. What can I work on in the next game or the next training session to improve that? Okay.

Speaker 1: 15:25

So asking these open-ended questions like what went well? You know, what didn't go as expected? What were your goals going in? Did you hit those Were? There was a room for improvement? Who did you help? Who helped you? You know all of those types of things are really really great to ask.

Speaker 1: 15:41

If you want other really great phrases to ask, we have our 25 key phrases cheat sheet. This is like a cheat sheet of confidence building questions and phrases that you can ask before and after your athlete competes. We give this away for free at our free training for sports parents. So if you go to trainhergamecom, register for that training. When you show up live, we give you that PDF for free. So trainhergamecom if you haven't already registered for that free training, it's also where we break down our methodology and our approach to mental training and simple things that you can be doing to strengthen your athlete's mental game. So trainhergamecom is where you go for that. When you sign up for the training, show up live, you get that PDF for free. So just as a little side note.

Speaker 1: 16:17

Another little side note is that during that time when she, when she is with you, maybe she's not feeling great about herself, like, silence is okay. You don't have to fill the silence with a bunch of things. Okay, just letting her know like, hey, if she is communicating to you that it didn't go how she wanted it to go, but just saying things like hey, you know, I know that's not how you wanted it to go, we're going to get through this, okay. Or I'm here if you want to chat. Okay, just very simple and being okay with the silence. I know that it's sometimes hard, but silence is okay.

Speaker 1: 16:47

The last thing I want to do is share with you just a little insight into what athletes are saying inside the program when it comes to what they need for support from their parents and I. The reason I'm sharing this is that inside the elite mental game, there's a section where athletes are considering and reflecting on what support looks like and what they need in the moments pregame, during game, postgame and then they are prompted to actually have a conversation with their parents to share this information with them, and then parents are coached on how to receive that information, because sometimes it's hard to hear, potentially because you're like I'm just trying to help, I'm trying to do my best, and then athletes are coming and saying this would be helpful if you did it this way, but we just have to be humble enough and open enough to realize what our kids need in these moments. Okay, so I just think it's helpful for all of us to have a little insight into what athletes are saying, and it's very consistent what they're saying. So every day, athletes are commenting inside their training portal and saying things that you know, responding to prompts that we give them inside the program. So here are a couple.

Speaker 1: 17:48

So this athlete says after, for post-competition. She said I don't like it when, as soon as I get out of a game, everyone, including my parents, asks me how they thought I did, because after I just need a little space. Okay, so, just, she just needs some space. Okay, let's just give her little space. Okay, so just she just needs some space. Okay, let's just give her some space and likely she'll talk later. Okay. Another athlete said this after competitions I like to reflect on my own If I do bad. When I do well after a competition, I'm more open to hearing feedback and have a better capacity to hear their speech. Tips, slash, long conversation. Okay. So she's recognizing like, after a game, like my parents are giving me speeches, tips, long conversations and especially if I didn't do well, I really don't want to hear it. Okay, I just need some space, okay.

Speaker 1: 18:28

Another athlete said after the game I like to have some space. Okay, there we go Three in a row. Okay, I don't like it when my parents constantly ask questions. Okay, so I'm not saying that you just ignore your athlete. If we follow the love framework, it's clear that let her lead open the space. You're still with her, like she just needs your presence most of the time. Okay, so her presence and just to know that, hey, we're good, I got you All right. This doesn't determine anything about who you are as a person, as an athlete like bad games do not make you a bad person or a bad athlete. Okay, just being that presence and giving our athletes space is one of the simplest things that we can do. One other little tidbit that I will leave you with is something that I share with my community and our weekly tips. We do weekly tips with inside our community of moms who are going through the elite mental game, and last week's tip was about how to develop a growth mindset. Like just little thing that you can do when you're athlete. After she has a bad game. Okay, and that is two things.

Speaker 1: 19:22

You can add the word yet, and you can add the word today to your phrases. So how this might sound is, I know, if your athlete says something like ah, I just like that was one of my worst games. Okay, I feel like I just I cannot hit the line. Okay, whatever, I'm talking volleyball, not reference, but whatever that means for you. Okay, I can't do this, I can't do that. Okay, adding the word yet. Maybe you've heard that before. I know you really wanted to hit the line, you really wanted to try that. You just haven't, you haven't developed that yet, okay. So just adding yet to the end is a really great way to encourage that growth mindset while also validating how she's feeling in that moment. Okay, today, um, adding today is a good one. It's a little bit more nuanced.

Speaker 1: 20:03

I actually found or heard of this example because I saw an interaction with a dad and his daughter at the Olympics and I believe she was a swimmer and she had not a great performance and she was crying and she was saying to her dad like I guess it just wasn't meant to be. And instead of saying like no, no, no, you'll get it next time, or you know, just kind of common things that we say, I think he said something genius. He said it wasn't meant to be today, you know. So it's still validating Like yeah, yeah, you didn't perform how you wanted to perform. We're not trying to sugarcoat it and act like it was your best performance, but just today, that's just today. It's just a snapshot of today. Tomorrow's a different day, okay, next week is a different week. So it wasn't meant to be today. I think it's great.

Speaker 1: 20:49

Or like we lost, or like, oh, that was, we blew it today. Well, you might want to say, yeah, you blew it today, okay, but yeah, no, we fell, we fell short or we came up short today, and so I think that just is a really great and simple way to develop that growth mindset of like today is just today, tomorrow is a new day and it's always a new opportunity that's coming. Okay, that was, I think, more than three tips, okay, so I thought I was gonna keep it to three, but I think I threw a lot into this one. So hopefully you're walking away with a couple of things that will help. Some key things remembering what she needs in that moment and a lot of times it is just a routine and space. Number two, have a routine that assures her love and connection with you, regardless of her performance. And, number three, follow that love framework. So let her lead, open the space, validate her emotions, encourage inward.

Speaker 1: 21:37

Like I said, if you want more on this, if you want to talk more pregame, during game, we have strategies for all of it and we cover a lot of that inside our free training for sports moms and you can head to trainhergamecom to register for your date and time for one of those that we have. It's a really great comprehensive training. It's about 45 minutes, plus we have some Q&A at the end and we give you that free 25 key phrases cheat sheet that you can take with you to competitions just as a reminder of like here's what to say before she competes, after she competes. A lot of moms are like I just like printed out, and one mom was even like I just laminated it and I just bring it with me to remind me of what to say and what to not say. All right, moms, I am Coach Brie, a mental performance coach for girl athletes. I hope that you enjoyed this episode and I will see you in the next one.